To worry about DH taking ADHD medication

[DogsRock100]

DH is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD. I have always wondered if he has something like that, or straight forward anxiety/depression, OR just a bit of a questionable personality (really lovely a lot of the time, awful when his mood switches and he feels defensive). Anyway I think he’s keen to try ADHD meds and I’m keen to get him help to improve things for the sake of myself and the kids. AIBU to question whether the meds will help or make him worse? In terms of the negative things that affect us - moods, his inability to handle frustration, temper etc. Any advice at all would help! Thanks.

Why on earth would the meds make him worse??? I take ADHD meds and they make me normal.

That’s good to know they help you though!! Basically I am not happy with the downsides of ‘him’ - whether it’s his ADHD or I’m making excuses for it in the hope it’s all that, and not his core personality. So I’m worried after reading posts about meds going wrong - increasing the chances of a lost temper for example? What do you take if you don’t mind me asking?

I suppose it depends on whether his moods etc are linked to his ADHD. The meds may help, see how it goes. If it does make things worse he should speak to his doctor as it could just be a different dose is needed or could be a variety of other things.

I have to admit, it’s really key to whether we stay together or not once our children are older. And I also really don’t want my children spending time with someone with poor emotional regulation. So for me, there is a lot riding on this medication and I don’t know whether it’s realistic or not to hope the medication will help him enough in that area?

My adult son is on ADHD meds and the (positive) difference in him since he has been on them is unbelievable. Don’t get me wrong, he can still be a nightmare but so much easier and happier since he has been on them which is about three years now.

And I also really don’t want my children spending time with someone with poor emotional regulation.

They're his children. If he has ADHD, chances are they'll have poor emotional regulation and executive dysfunction. They'll need your help, not judgement and criticism.

Many people with undiagnosed ADHD take anti-anxiety/depression meds every day for their entire lives. Surely it’s better to take ADHD meds as a preventative/protective measure?

My 15 year old has been on meds for about 3 years. I was really worried about it, but his psychiatrist pointed out that if they did not suit him he could simply stop them. They do suit him. His life has changed beyond recognition., I know that they don't assist some people but for others they really are life changing. He may have to try a few types before he finds the one that works best for him. But it's worth a try, surely?

I mean, you picked him to have children with - if he has ADHD then it’s highly likely that at least one of them will too, so it’s maybe best not to be too critical and unkind.

Re emotional regulation- they have helped out of sight for DS. He's very good at self managing now - better than I am in many ways!

My DH was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 70. I'd always suspected it & eventually persuaded him to see someone about it - we paid for him to be seen privately. He takes meds and this, along with an understanding of why he's behaved in the way that he has over the years have really helped him.

It can take some time to get the right dose and the right sort of medication, but overall they're really helpful.

Your DH might benefit from some trauma and ND therapy as well to help alongside the medication to learn coping methods which would otherwise have felt impossible to acheive without the medication because of poor executive functioning.

Same here.

This comment from you worries me though.

Can you tell us more about the behaviours that you've experienced that you're worried about?

I am not saying he is abusive, we have too little information to go on, but people can only change their behaviour if they want to change their behaviour, and whilst ADHD meds make it easier to focus, help you stay motivated, and can help with a lot of overwhelm that causes emotional regulation issues, it won't make someone choose not to exert control, or initiate fear tactics.

You also don't have to stay in a relationship you're not happy with "just because it could be ADHD".

My husband had recently been diagnosed with ADHD not quite at meds yet and DS has just been referred by school for assessment, I hope they both have medication that makes their lives easier, I'm not sure why you wouldn't?
I think maybe what you're frightened of is that you've excused a lot of his behaviours as ADHD , so if he's still horrible taking meds it's actually just his personality and you don't want to have to make the decisions you will need to around that.

I think you are right to question it. I am generally someone who trusts doctors - and my son has a diagnosis of autism - but there is questions being raised about the rate of diagnosis for conditions like autism and ADHD.

Have you seen the book “the age of diagnosis” by Dr. Suzanne O’Sullivan.

I’m not denying that some people have autism and ADHD etc.

What do you mean about questions? Autism and ADHD are well known to be under diagnosed in this country.

https://www.england.nhs.uk/long-read/report-of-the-independent-adhd-taskforce-part-1/

www.england.nhs.uk/long-read/report-of-the-independent-adhd-taskforce-part-2/

I don't think your fears about possible diagnosis and medication for ADHD are well-founded, @DogsRock100 . If your husband is just an abusive arsehole, though, the diagnosis and medication won't fix that.

I get what you are saying - there are genuine cases where there are delays getting a diagnosis and a lack of help.

Maybe have a look at that book- it argues we are over-diagnosing and over-labeling, and over-medicalising distress, difference, and the normal ups and downs of life—and in doing so are creating more problems, not less.

again, i not anti-diagnosis. I did wonder for a while if i had autism but after counselling i realised that my severe social anxiety as a teenager was probably due to issues at home like my alcoholic mother.

ADHd meds helped my dc massively with mood. It stands to reason why as their brains are less busy, they’re in more control, feel
less like failures etc.

These are all really valid comments and I feel like it’s spot on that I’m worried his behaviour isn’t excusable because of his ADHD, and I’m not sure where the ADHD stops and the personality starts. He is basically really nice and lovely a large percentage of the time, and then when a situation gets the better of him when his mood is anxious/low, he reacts badly to everything, gets angry and says things that are below the belt.
So I guess my questions are, is this ever caused purely by the ADHD? And CAN medication side effects make that worse by causing a low and flat mood OR worst case increasing his defensive, angry reactions?
In terms of my children and the comment there, it’s interesting as I have seen neurodiversity signs in both. One doesn’t get angry and reacts well though, the other I am really trying to work with to help her not react in anger. So for me, it’s definitely the angry reactions (talking to people badly) I don’t think are ok even when ADHD COULD be causing it. Either way, I feel very differently about helping her mange that IF she can’t crack it whilst young - it’s just different, unconditional love.

You haven’t read the NHS Taskforce evidence .

The book is complete ableist rubbish written by somebody with zero expertise in the field pushing a book. Saying we are over labelling and diagnosing is not only incorrect but hugely ableist .

I recently started elevate as an adult. On the 20-30mg titration I was much more productive and level but did struggle with insomnia. Or maybe it wasn’t insomnia, I was just sleeping for 4-6 hours a night but was five while awake. Normally I’m a 10 hour a day sleeper so that was a change . But when I went up to 50mg my emotions suddenly became HUGE and I went from never crying/feeling very little to feeling overly emotional in every possible way. Spilt my tea? 20 minutes of tears and big emotions. Over seven days I developed an intense “impending doom” feeling and like everything was my fault. I was coming away on holiday for 12 days so close to suspend the medication totally while away maybe when I’m home try to titrate back up and see if I tolerate it better.

but overall, even with the wobble a few weeks ago, I don’t regret trying add it did actually help and my temper/mood was more stable as I could focus without my brain trying to tone into 7 radio stations while juggling recipes and shopping lists.

Because they dont work for everyone, because some people have side effects which mean they cant tolerate one or other and there is a long process of tweaking doses, times of day, different meds. Its all par for the course but its not a surprise that there is a query about that or concern

Guidance is different from different prescribers, some say to take it all the time, others say there should be a gap inbetween, some say for kids to only take it on school days etc etc et

Such a wide range of direction according to who you ask or are being overseen by. It changes like the wind.

Nobody can tell you how medication will affect your DH - everyone reacts differently.

I'm on medication for generalised anxiety that stems from my autism - I had to try four types of medication before I found one that worked for me. It was a rough ride but I'm eternally grateful that DH has stuck by me throughout. I'm much, much more stable now.