To worry about DH taking ADHD medication

[DogsRock100]

DH is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD. I have always wondered if he has something like that, or straight forward anxiety/depression, OR just a bit of a questionable personality (really lovely a lot of the time, awful when his mood switches and he feels defensive). Anyway I think he’s keen to try ADHD meds and I’m keen to get him help to improve things for the sake of myself and the kids. AIBU to question whether the meds will help or make him worse? In terms of the negative things that affect us - moods, his inability to handle frustration, temper etc. Any advice at all would help! Thanks.

Stimulants are counterintuitive with ADHD - they provide calm focus and regulation. They have improved my life and general stability so much.

Agreed. Which is partly why a nice cup of tea in the evening before bed calms me right down

He's on equasym now. His main issues were executive function around things like reading post, ironing shirts. He withe didn't do stuff for ages or had a sudden burst of doing things, often at inconvenient times!

Over-the-top angry reactions - they pass quickly but seem disproportionate and lose sight of others having feelings. It seems unconscious, almost like it's not part of him - he'd never, for example, threaten anyone with his anger as someone who was just being abusive might. Since going on meds he realises his angry outbursts felt like 'my brain was a pingpong ball in a tornado'.

Also at work, when in management times, he had trouble keeping jobs - he be seen as a troublemaker, rocking the boat too much etc, and we think that has been an ADHD thing.

So you're not happy with him having ADHD, although you suspect he doesn't have ADHD and just a bad personality.

You're not happy with him taking medications to treat the ADHD, and it looks like he will get short shrift from you if it takes him a while to get the right dosage or drug and it temporarily negatively affects his mood.

You describe him as having low emotional intelligence, despite the fact there's a very good chance he's actually dealing with undiagnosed and untreated ADHD.

And you are wondering why he feels anxious, depressed, criticised and defensive.

I'm guessing you consider yourself to be high on empathy and emotional intelligence...

Indeed. My well medicated RSD is prickling me from a distance and I don't even know the OP, let alone have to live with her.

And in fact it appears that those with ADHD actually tend to have very high EQ, as they're so hyper-sensitive to those around them through years of being criticised because of who they are.

I think you need to read up on ADHD and overwhelm. When a person feels overwhelmed, they will lose their temper because everything is too much. It is past the point of control. I speak from experience. And yes sometimes it does look like it is an overreaction to something small but you have not seen the 3-4 other things on the road to the overwhelm.

Secondly, if he is diagnosed, what have you got to lose with him trying the meds? There might be an improvement and if there isn’t at least you know and can make a decision.

Following with interest- will you update when he starts?

Mine sounds very similar. He was diagnosed as 'hyperactive' as a child, and now self-diagnosed, but not considering any meds or therapy.

Definitely worth him exploring. My DS is doing so well on them. I only wish he had had them earlier - the delay was because of his father who didn’t want him on them… a man who almost certainly has it himself and is now slowly realising that. (Had my ex realised that years ago and sorted out his chaotic way of being, perhaps I wouldn’t have left him…)

Thanks for the helpful messages. @Echobelly that’s really useful. And sounds similar, along with some other traits which I’ve wondered if they are to do ADHD (such as struggling with small talk with people and also getting very fixated on something only he is interested in and not realising the other person isn’t interested when I can see it clearly).
Regarding the temper, and the lovely general mood into angry mood - this is my biggest issue by far. It affects relationships and leads to him being prone to conflict when in the wrong mood. THIS is my concern with any meds that COULD increase irritability.
@Barrenfieldoffucks and @AlltheHedgehogsontheWall I know you’re criticising me, but I do appreciate where you’re coming from. Let’s also be clear he can’t read this and this is confidential so I’m having to be very blunt about him to get useful feedback. You’ve got the wrong end of the stick. I am VERY happy with him being diagnosed - the hope that has kept me going in this relationship fully encouraged that even when I could see he was quite sceptical about the whole “letters” thing initially. I know deep down I shouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who is disrespectful and angry when in a bad mood. I am praying meds might help. I am worried I’m excusing a more serious personality disorder or someone who has a nasty side with ADHD. Perhaps you understand now, perhaps you don’t. But regardless I’d love any more feedback on whether ADHD can realistically be the key problem in this scenario with the behaviour I don’t want to tolerate (I don’t doubt he has it - as a good friend said, he’s textbook) and what are the reasonable hopes for medication.
We spoke yesterday about it all, in a supportive way, and I did tell him I hoped this would all help us stay together. He is well aware he has upset me at times enough to not make the relationship work. He hopes medication will make him feel better and reduce his anxiety and overwhelm. We are on the same page there. It’s very sad. Where do we stop accepting poor behaviour as ADHD.

@ocelot3 thank you, which meds is your son taking? How did the ADHD affect him would you say - and your husband potentially too? Thanks again.

I have severe adhd (diagnosed a year or so ago!). Part of adhd is emotional dysregulation, we feel things more powerfully than other people. I also get overstimulated frequently but I’m getting much better at managing that and telling the people around me what I need.

Medication has massively helped to quieten my brain and stop the anxious spiralling. I can now find the space to write a list of things I need to do whereas before my brain would just get stuck in “thrashing” mode flitting from one thought to the next but not settling on one long enough to finish the thought!

@LoveSandbanks which medication do you take? Thanks so much. I’m trying to get my head around the different types and amounts. I also want to tread carefully with him and let the doctors lead so he doesn’t ever get sceptical and defensive about the process - as my gut says it’s better for him to feel in the driving seat on this as he doesn’t like feeling controlled. He’s very much on board with meds though and said he wants to take them, he said that directly to the doctor as well, I just worry he won’t do what I would do and track it and try and work on myself alongside it etc.

I take 70mg of Elvanse (a stimulant medication).

I haven’t turned into some magical organised person. My house is still untidy but we are a family of five and we ALL have ADHD so I guess it needs more than one of us on meds 🤣

@DogsRock100he is on Affenid. Without it he cannot sustain concentration on schoolwork and kind of drifts off in his mind or half answers the question giving statements ‘somewhere on the topic’ but not quite on point. He will find it impossible to start work and socially will ignore comments from other people and just not respond which presents as rude. Now he is much more motivated, engaged and organised with schoolwork.
My ex had such a long list of irritating habits to live with it would be long to write. But some include: finding it very difficult to get work-related preparation done and spending hours doing something that would take me half an hour; never doing such work in one place or on one desk creating piles of papers and mess in many places around the house - therefore always losing things; not noticing mess and dirt so rarely contributing to household cleaning; not checking emails and therefore doing no family admin - if I didn’t do it it simply didn’t get done whatever was allocated as his responsibility; failing to do things like pay house insurance or MOT and not even remembering that they needed to be done; when going to the shops often forgetting to buy items we agreed we needed and having to go back.

@DogsRock100just reading back your recent post some behaviours you mentioned are also part of the way my ex presents. So generally, a sunny personality but wracked with anxiety over social small talk situations and can be gauche in such scenarios, defensive if criticised, tends to respond emotionally but then process an issue about half a day later. Crucially, no awareness of the toll on me of doing absolutely everything to sustain family life.

My dd took medication for ADHD as a child, though hasn't in recent years as an adult. The medication helped her focus and she was less impulsive (she was very impulsive as a child but not now as a non medicated adult) BUT it didn't change her personality! It was easier to have focused reflective conversations with her and it felt like she listened better.

I also know a child now with significant autism and ADHD - meds keep him calm and focused at school, but if something angers him, he can still get extremely angry and verge into violence.

Your husband will still be the man you know now and meds don't stop emotions. Everyone with ADHD is different since they are all individuals. I know less about how the meds impact adults, but I think you could well be pinning too much hope on your DH getting meds.

By the way, I once accidentally took my dd's meds. The effect was to make me hyper focused on what I was doing. I also felt spaced out and detached from myself. Couldn't wait for it to wear off! Which isn't to say that's how it feels if someone does have ADHD.

My dd couldn't really articulate how they made her feel, but she gave them up when someone told her she was more fun and bubbly without them.

Hmm @anotherlife I’m not sure feeling spaced out is a good thing especially if it doesn’t even help with the anxiety/low mood crash and frustration/anger responses. THIS is what I’m worried about. He can already stay hyper focused on a task - as in put a lot of effort into one task he’s chosen to do, in fact he becomes obsessive in that sense. I wonder if my AIBU question should have been as direct as ‘to hope anger and anxiety is caused by ADHD and can be managed by meds”. I am really worried he can’t or won’t try hard enough to change that side of things, and worried meds won’t help him feel better anyway and have bad side effects.

Taking it as a one off when you dont actually have adhd is a totally different body response to taking it when you do. Once you tritrate to your correct dosage it should not feel any different you just feel like you have a bit more clarity as it HELPS with the brain spinning in all directions, it does not stop them. I am not sure about this anger business as I was never an angry person anyway and if he is that is his personality type so I cannot imagine meds will change that. The meds are not a fix all for everyone, some meds suit some, no meds suit others but they are not going to change the person he is.

@Suednymph yes it’s like he’s a very nice, caring person but then when he’s frustrated, he often can’t cope and my issue is that can turn into anger and saying harsh things/being confrontational. It’s especially when he’s feeling defensive or under attack in some way even if he actually isn’t. Faulty flight or fight wiring almost. It’s his anxiety as well, he definitely struggles with that and when he’s having a low mood episode, he’ll handle the same situation completely differently to when he’s in his usual relatively positive mood. That’s what makes it so hard, especially as we now have children together who love their family. I don’t want them seeing him when he’s at his worst though and grumpy about things, but in reality they’ll see that regardless of our relationship status.

That's exactly how I felt. My thread was already far thinner than everyone else's, and it didn't take much for me to feel complete and utter despair and anguish, which would often manifest as anger or irritation. Because no-one could understand whatever it was I was feeling or thinking or trying to do. As I said, it made me feel like I wanted to tear my own face off, it was physically painful. Even worse when others looked at me as if I were unreasonable or irrational, then I felt even less understood and more shut down. And if be hyper sensitive to every shift in tone or atmosphere, kicking the RSD into overdrive and leaving me needing to almost pick the fight to get it out into the open and sorted, even if it were nothing to do with me in the first place.

I could hyper focus before, not always on the right things, and haven't seen any change in that
I'm certainly not spaced out, far from it. Just more able to do the mundane things that my executive function couldn't cope with before, calmer, more rational, more able to see the positives, more able to count to 10 and think about whether or not the time etc is real and likely to be to do with me etc.

Just more capable, more adult.

But you can't shield kids from grumpiness etc, and to what end? It is perfectly normal for kids and adults to experience a whole range of emotions. One of mine used to get very sad about the bigger things in life, and we would talk him through how emotions are fleeting and can't hurt you etc.

He isn't inherently wrong to be grumpy for example, and I'm sure you are too. Are you planning on staying away from your kids when you're not feeling on top form? Just in case?

This is such a good description especially wanting to tear your own face off!

I'm prescribed a 10mg fast acting booster which I can take later in the day if needed. I don't always take it but it's useful on days where I start work really early and main dose wears off in the afternoon/early evening.

DD asked her psychiatrist for an extra dose later on in the day, especially as she had to work until 8 pm some days. They refused to give it to her! I can’t remember why.