To worry about DH taking ADHD medication

[DogsRock100]

DH is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD. I have always wondered if he has something like that, or straight forward anxiety/depression, OR just a bit of a questionable personality (really lovely a lot of the time, awful when his mood switches and he feels defensive). Anyway I think he’s keen to try ADHD meds and I’m keen to get him help to improve things for the sake of myself and the kids. AIBU to question whether the meds will help or make him worse? In terms of the negative things that affect us - moods, his inability to handle frustration, temper etc. Any advice at all would help! Thanks.

I have a son, who is now 27, and he has been on ADHD meds for years. They made all the difference for him. One thing I do remember is that the doctor said when he first started that we would know immediately (within a few doses) if they help and he was right.

I know others have said this, but just reiterating that for me the medication - various types and dosages - made no difference at all. I think the stats say that they help about three-quarters of people; I'm in that other quarter, sadly for me.

Hope you and your DH can find a strategy that works for you.

Can you describe his behaviour in more detail OP?

One of the things I did not expect at all was how much ADHD meds would help me with emotional regulation..I had no idea my whole reality is filtered through my emotions and how much energy I expend on reading situations emotionally.

With adhd meds, it's just like OK what do I want to say / do, OK I'll do it. So much easier.

My husband has just been diagnosed and he’s 60. ADHD is making his life extremely difficult. We have been told there is a 9 month backlog in getting the medication but he is absolutely desperate to try it. Anything that helps his daily life has to be worth a try. That’s our thoughts.

I have ADHD, autism and dyspraxia, and I won't lie, sometimes I have been a nightmare to cope with but I have never been abusive.

I have shouted, and I have been ever so apologetic for it, but I have never name called, given the silent treatment, uttered things under my breath, made snips and snipes about things not being good enough, changed plans to inconvenience other people just because I am in a bad mood.

In fact I have been abused by partners because they could take advantage of my disabilities, then get me absolutely worked up so they can claim I am the one with the issues.

Because I have been abused I have done a lot of therapy and here is what my therapist told me: don't pathologise their mistreatment of you. It can be easy to try and find a problem and go into solution mode but it isn't your responsibility to fix those issues. All you should be asking yourself is: am I being mistreated? Yes or no.

Not yes, but only once a month, not yes, but I was being kind of a nag, not yes, but they say they love me and they are nice most of the time, not yes, but they didn't get enough love as a child, not yes, but they are going through a hard time right now, and definitely not yes, but they may be neurodivergent. Certainly not yes, but they might change.

Just be aware that whilst the person taking the meds might find them helpful to them eg quietening brain noise, you as a family may not see any different behaviour. Particularly if the mindset is "i am disabled". In which case you might find you have an abusive person who happens to also have adhd.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead I mean that’s a difficult read. But yes I see where you are coming from completely and it’s what I struggle with most, because it’s not ok to be horrible even a small percentage of the time and even if very loving the rest of the time. It does feel strange to me as well, the dramatic mood change, it doesn’t feel ‘normal’ for want of a better word. But even if you’re a really anxious person who spirals into a low mood sometimes, you still have control, you can still choose. It’s almost like he doesn’t make eye contact in that mood and just feels really different somehow?!
Either way, I do wish I’d forced myself to answer those difficult questions early doors. Now we are down the line with children, who like their parents being together, and a comfortable financial life and no other issues that this one, it’s beyond heartbreaking that he can’t change those random mood changes. I guess I’m still carrying some hope but it’s a really difficult decision.

Why are you asking random people rather than reading up on it?

A key factor in ADHD is dopamine dysregulation. The meds help with that. It's nothing to do with emotional intelligence.

It's like questioning if he's got the emotional intelligence to be able to benefit from ibuprofen when he has a headache.

@GaIadriel I’m asking because people who have actually taken the medication can reply and share how it affected them first hand. And also if they experienced mood and frustration/anger issues related to ADHD or if I need to accept that’s not related.
Dopamine dysregulation does imply it could be linked to mood and managing frustration could be linked to that. But this is why I’m discussing it, I feel like I’m dealing with a really difficult situation and I want to know how much change to expect from an ADHD diagnosis and meds.
I mention emotional intelligence as a concern. If he has low emotional intelligence for example, that’s going to affect how much work he can do on managing his emotions better even with meds and accepting an ADHD diagnosis.

My DH has recently started ADHD meds... I have to say they have been a help in reducing his anger outbursts and him coping with difficult situations. I think worst case is they don't do anything, but they shouldn't exacerbate anything

My DH has recently started ADHD meds... I have to say they have been a help in reducing his anger outbursts and him coping with difficult situations. I think worst case is they don't do anything, but they shouldn't exacerbate anything

Because its right that people ask and speak about their experiences and observations OP needs to sound it out, bounce it around

Its not the case either that emotional intelligence is nothing to do with how he will respond with his dsyregulation. People with ND of any type need to recognise and have insight into their presentation, just because someone is ND, it doesnt mean every single thing they think, do and say is related to their ND, there is interplay and overlap and its incredibly limiting and black and white thinking to compare it to something like a headache or simple pain response.

@Echobelly which meds does he take? Glad they’ve helped. How did he struggle before - were the anger outbursts when he felt criticised/defensive/frustrated? How was he affected before - sorry to pick your brain and of course only share what you’re comfortable sharing. Just wondering if it’s similar.

Emotional intelligence is not really a fixed thing, though. I think when you say emotional intelligence you're possibly talking about a combination of empathy, self-regulation and (own) emotional awareness.

Empathy is somewhat innate as in you care about other people or you don't, but empathy is also massively affected by stress, so it can effectively shut down or not really have capacity during times of stress.

Self-regulation is pretty much THE disorder of ADHD - so it is helped by medication, but it's also a skill that needs to be learnt and practised, and it will be harder to learn a skill which has essentially not been practised for years and unhelpful compensation mechanisms have replaced it. So is emotional awareness.

I do think that I can be grumpy and critical and defensive and sometimes even angry when I'm stressed and dysregulated, and that happened much more easily and frequently before I was medicated. The "moods" you describe to me sound very much like dysregulation to me, and the way it was described to me is that dysregulation is a nervous system state, that affects all people but someone with extenuating factors like excess stress/neurodiversity/MH disorders such as anxiety, trauma - they will experience dysregulation to a greater degree.

ADHD is a neurotype which affects things like attention/awareness and cognitive capacity and self-regulation. Medication can help manage the symptoms of ADHD. The neurotype itself won't change but possibly the medication will help reduce the dysregulation, so it might be that he has fewer "moods".

I don't know your husband of course and I'm pretty sure my ex (in hindsight) probably has absolutely raging ADHD and was also an arsehole and I cannot imagine that changing even if he ever did get diagnosed and medicated. I guess you just have to wait and see?

I first took methylphenidate (Ritalin) over 20 years ago. After about 15 years off I started again last year (Concerta, the slow release version). It helps a lot although I mainly notice when I stop. I realise how scatty I was before.

A lot of my frustration came from continually having to push myself to get things done. It felt like an uphill struggle.

Emotional dysregulation is a symptom as well. You have to put in the work as well, but meds will just work on their own in some ways.

Diagnosis alone isn't the key always. I remember a very good friend of mine saying to me "but do you really need the medication? Now you know that you're 'over-reacting/over eating etc etc because of the ADHD surely you can just not do it?" Or words to that effect. I love her dearly so didn't react as many would have.

You don't always have control, no, you can't always choose.

My son is hopefully getting meds soon , hes been on fluoxetine for years, how do the meds work with anti depressants ? Im really worried about how he will be.
We are all going to a family wedding long haul at the end of March and im really concerned about how he will be.
Any advice would be gratefully recieved !
We are with clinical partners .

I've been on setraline for years (of course, I probably didn't need it, had the ADHD been diagnosed sooner) but don't have the headspace to titrate off it right now. I have taken my dose right down to 25mg from 100mg however. I don't think the 2 have impacted each other.

DD has been on anti depressants on and off for years, before the ADHD diagnosis. IMO, they have never done anything for her; and the only drug we saw, improving her symptoms was the methylphenidate.

@BlueandWhitePorcelain how did the methylphenidate help her if you don’t mind me asking? Thanks.

Flueoxetine didn't do much for me. Ritalin was a game changer.

It improved her concentration on work, so she didn’t make silly mistakes. It reduced the fidgeting, impulsiveness and emotional volatility - but these symptoms started to come back in the evenings, as the dose wore off.