Bully not invited to my childs party

[Mellyt3lly]

Hi, My childs is having a birthday party soon for there 9th birthday. We are handing out invites next week. However yesterday at school. Another child aggressively and completely unprovoked attacked my child, which left my child completely petrified and had to be sent home early with potentially broken fingers (thankfully all ok)
Now ive been told by my child that they dont want to invite this other child to the party with what I think is a perfectly acceptable reason but this would mean the whole class is invited apart from one. I have no way of giving out invites any other way. AIBU to just send the invites into school.

I wouldn't invite a bully, it's not fair on the birthday child, it's not fair on the other guests when the bully tries to ruin the party and attack them.

I would also be very clear with the school that I want confirmation they keep the bully out of my child's face and keep my own child safe.

Not unreasonable. This is how they learn that behaviour has consequences.

Obviously don’t make your kid be around
someone who almost broke his fingers. Unfortunately a consequence of almost breaking someone’s fingers is not being invited to their party.

Will the teacher let you hand out invitations if not everyone is invited?

The bully definitely shouldn’t be invited, actions have consequences and you don’t get to nearly break a peer’s hand then get included in their party, that would be ridiculous. What are the school doing to keep your son safe from further attacks? I’m so sorry it happened.

Definitely don't feel it necessary to invite this bully to the birthday party. Just hand out the other invites and if anything is said, remind of the bullying and leave it at that.

YANBU. 9 years old is more than old enough to know better - this is a valid consequence.

that would be the Find Out part of FAFO

People will say it's bullying not to invite one child out of a whole class, or to befriend the bully and all that tosh.

Just invite who your child wants to invite. And if the child or their parents want to make a thing of it? laugh at them "after what happened?" then walk away.

Yanbu to not invite him.

I do think you would be unreasonable to send in invites for all but one as you are now giving teacher an issue to manage which is not theirs. Particularly if there is a school policy on the matter.

Just because it makes it more difficult for you to deliver the invites does not mean you should abdicate responsibility to the school

Don't put a bully before your own child. Not inviting them is the right decision.

Unfortunately I dont pick them up from school they go straight with a childminder so I have no other way of handing them out 😞 x

Normally I would be one of those people who would say that you can’t leave one child out. But this incident took place so close to the birthday that it seems like a natural consequence. You need to feel confident to stand your ground with the teacher or any other parent who might raise it with you but “Unfortunately, Judas attacked Little Brefugee last week and really hurt them so we’re no longer able to include him” is a completely reasonable thing to say.
And it’s more important that your child feels that you are on their side. I hope they have a very happy party.

I have no issue with leaving one child out. If your child doesn't like them and doesn't want them at their party, that's good enough for me. I don't need potentially broken fingers as proof of anything.

9 is quite old for this behaviour.

Yeah I understand that's shit and I don't know what the solution is. I'd be in a similar situation if this arose for me, but I still don't think it would be right to do something that could potentially be disruptive to the class and maybe exacerbate the situation.

Is there a class WhatsApp that you could get all the other parents contact details off and let them know the party details?

It's quite likely that the teacher will refuse, as she will have to deal with the disappointed bully.

Most teachers would surely say no to handing out invites to every child but 1 anyway wouldn’t they?
If the teacher will do it then yes sure go for it. If not then you’ll have to take a couple of hours annual leave and hand them out at the end of the day, or try and get numbers from WhatsApp etc.

Send the invitations into school with a note asking the teacher to put them in book bags, rather than letting your child hand them out. Explain that whilst you don’t agree with what the child has done, you don’t want to be intentionally cruel.

YANBU

But give the invitations to your child to hand out.

I'm a primary school teacher and I wouldn't give out invites that left one child out (either would any of my colleagues). You have a right to invite whoever you want but you would need to do it out of school.

No problem with you not inviting the bully, I think it would be unreasonable to do so.

So it seems it’s just the invites that are a potential issue.

Do the school have a policy that they will only give out invites to the whole class? I’m a bit amazed teachers would give out invites in year 4, tbh, I didn’t think that was common after year 1. If their policy is to give out invites to whoever you want to invite, then I don’t see the problem. Presumably they do it discretely if they don’t insist on whole class only. But if they do have a policy you’d be breaching then you can’t ask them to. Could your DS give the invites out instead? He could do a few a day so it’s not quite so obvious (nor such a big task), starting with his closest friends.

I think most teachers won't hand them out, anyway -- at least that was my memory at both of DS's primary schools, that it was a school policy.

I don't think I ever sent paper invitations, though -- maybe once? There was always a class Whatsapp, so parents would just compile an individual party Whatsapp group called 'X's Party' using the numbers from the class group, and do the invitations on there. No lost invitations, faff about giving them out, and also much better and quicker RSVP rate!

Accidently pressed YABU but you are not! I wouldn’t invite them & wouldn’t want them anywhere near my child either! I would be vocal about why one child was left out if anybody asked but they’ll probably be relieved!

We don't have a class WhatsApp, but by this age do you not have phone numbers of other parents in your sent / received messages from rsvps to their/your other parties?

That might get a big chunk of contact details then you can ask Tommy's mum for Timmy's parent's number etc?

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

That's probably the easiest time to only give invitations to the majority of the kids, when you can explain the recent bullying and injury accident is not acceptable.