Bully not invited to my childs party

[Mellyt3lly]

Hi, My childs is having a birthday party soon for there 9th birthday. We are handing out invites next week. However yesterday at school. Another child aggressively and completely unprovoked attacked my child, which left my child completely petrified and had to be sent home early with potentially broken fingers (thankfully all ok)
Now ive been told by my child that they dont want to invite this other child to the party with what I think is a perfectly acceptable reason but this would mean the whole class is invited apart from one. I have no way of giving out invites any other way. AIBU to just send the invites into school.

You can’t expect the teacher to give out invitations or put them in a book bday. Sorry but they have other things to do.

Not the point of the thread, but a one off incident is not the same as bullying.

YANBU. 9 is old enough to learn that you reap what you sow. Hurting someone to the extent that broken bones are suspected isn't a minor scuffle in the playground, and I'd be happy to explain that to the parent of the child if asked. I wouldn't want the person who attacked me at my birthday party either!

Amazed anyone still hands
out paper invites. Am about 10 years out of this stage even we did it by WhatsApp

I would hope a teacher wouldn’t hand out invitations or put them in bags, unless there is an invitation for each and every child in the class. Otherwise the teacher would be partaking in the exclusion of a child.

Find an alternative way.

DD got a paper invitation a couple of weeks ago. They’re mostly on WhatsApp but some people still like pen and paper.

This child has done more to other children hence using the term bully 🤷‍♀️

In my child’s school the teachers do not hand out invites even if the whole class is invited. Your child is 9 presuming in year 4? Why hand them out himself! I have had to get to to my child’s school before the gate open and then stand and wait for all the kids to walk by and my child handed out invites. For kids at breakfast club etc he just handed them out at break.

This is how they do it at this specific school, I dont really know what else to say, its how its always been done there 🤷‍♀️ xx

That's just how theyve always done it at thos specific school xx

We dont have whatsapp groups or anything, I dont think any of us have barely even spoken to each other in the last 4 years 🙈 xx

where we are by age 9 it’s just usually special friends not whole class but wouldn’t expect teacher to do it. Child can do it before or after school.

Off topic, but I haven’t seen a paper for years. Everything is done by whatsapp, send digital invite to each parent, create a group for people who can make it. Fair enough you don’t want to invite the bully, but the paper invite to teacher seems odd/pointed.

Is the party being held in 1995?!

Paper invites are the only way we do it here haha I didnt think that was strange until I wrote this post 🙈 xx

Are you in an English state school?

It's fine not to invite the bully, but if the school say you have to then not hand out the invites at school, you then have to abide by that. While there's no way your child should be made to invite someone who broke their fingers, there's also no reason why the teachers should have to cope with the fall out of you not inviting one child.

YANBU. Don't invite the bully. Also I highly recommend martial arts/self defence classes. It gives children confidence and keeps bullies away

It’s unusual to invite the whole class once they are over 8yo I think.
I think it’s fine not to invite the bully. Can’t he hand them out himself?

It isn't like you are leaving him out for no reason.

I worked in a school and there was a child who lashed out at everyone all through lower primary. In year 3 a child handed out invites in the playground to his entire class except this one child. His one to one TA said he needs to see that his actions have consequences. There is a lot of emphasis on making good choices, about children being aware that they are choosing a certain behaviour and if their default is lashing out then they need to learn to pause between feeling angry and their next action. After all 10 is the age of criminal responsibility in England, I believe it is different in Scotland.

I would talk to the teacher and explain why you have done what you have done. It isn't unjustified, it isn't random it follows a physical assault on your child.

Do they still actually have book bags?
I genuinely don't know what my school would do in this situation. To be honest though I only work with younger ones in KS1 where teachers are generally involved in handing out invites. Based on my own children, from potentially year 3 and definitely year 4 onwards it's not dealt with by the school and invites are handed out by the children themselves so you are putting your child in a difficult situation. Also no matter how discreetly you try and hand out invites it is likely the one child will notice being missed out. Our KS2 classes don't have class TAs so not sure when you would be expecting a teacher to place invites in bags without raising awareness, but also ensuring children know to check as that also could be an issue with you not hearing back as not everyone checks bags.

I am surprised by this stage you don't have numbers from previous parties or have a class WhatsApp to get numbers from.

Is he a bully or was this a one-off? I am assuming that they have known each orhers since reception. You give the impression this was a surprising incident as before it you were going to invite the whole class. So i am thinking it was a one off. If it is a one-off then the other child is not a “bully”. Bullying is when there is repeated harrassement, ie more than one incident.
of course it is really unpleasant. But i wonder what happened between the two children? I am not trying to defend the other child but i am trying to find out what happened. Has there been any repair between the two children? What is the school saying? What has the school done for resolution?
i would want a lot more details and a more nuanced answer than “he did this and so he is not invited”.

Perfectly fine to invite who your child wants to. But no you cannot hand out the invitations at school, unless you can personally hand it to each parent discreetly. It’s not fair to ask the teacher to do this if that was your intention - I don’t think it’s their responsibility at all.
Is there no class contact list?

At 9 DC can hand invites out at the end of school to people you haven't managed to invite via WhatsApp. Invite everyone you have contact details for, and ask them to send you anyone's details who they have in the class. There shouldn't be many left for DC to manage at the end of school, just ask the childminder to wait while DC hands out the couple left.

Whole class or less than half