Is this inheritance set up unreasonable?

[Burntt]

Couple have been together 8 years.

Thinking of buying a house together/getting married. Blended family and need to have the wills discussion before financial entanglement.

Person A. 2 kids from previous relationship. One is disabled meaning they can’t really work anymore now a full time carer. Kids primary age.

Person B. 2 children from previous relationship now teenagers. Well paid job.

One shared child.

Person A owns a property and will rent it out for some income but it’s pennies compared to person B salary.

The new house will be both on the deeds and eventually spilt evenly between all children in the wills.

Other parent of children B also a high earner and has no other children. While we cannot know how that will go it’s likely children B will inherit well from both parents. Children A will get nothing from their other parent.

The question is about person A property and inheritance likely to come from grandparents.

Person B thinks the rental and both sets of inheritance should be split equally between all children in the wills. Person A would likely use inheritance to get a second rental and the rent would be joint money but once A is dead both rentals divide by 3 children (2 previous and shared child).

I’d like some outside perspective without having to talk money with friends and family.

Hi OP,
I agree that you should keep your own home ringfenced for you. This is so you have somewhere to go back to if your relationship fails but yes this can also be ringfenced inheritance for your kids.

Where I disagree is expecting your partner to pay the bulk of the new house in terms of the mortgage over the years and then be expected to split it equally with your kids.

I think your partner should either buy alone, pay the mortgage alone (which it sounds like he will be anyway) and then own the house 100% and be able to leave it to his kids or, if he needs your deposit to purchase, you should ringfence your contribution e.g. if you pay 10% deposit you own 10% of the house and can leave that 10% to your kids. The other 90% (his deposit and his mortgage payments should be his to leave to his kids).
You would need to hold the house as tenants in common rather than joint tenants.

If your partner can own the new house entirely that would make life easier if you split up as his home would remain his and you would move back into yours. You may not be able to claim universal credit if you have part ownership of a house you don't live in, but forcing a sale or an ex to buy you out is difficult so you are left in a tough position.

Are you planning to marry? If you don't get married any savings (including inheritance) will be passed on under your will or the laws of intestacy so you can leave them to your children. The same is true for your partner and his assets.

If your partner died his will needs to specify a certain amount of time for you to live in the house before it needs to be sold to pay his children their inheritance.

You need to consider leaving money to your child with a disability under a vulnerable person's trust. If his grandparents leave money directly to the grandchildren they should also consider this.
https://www.gov.uk/trusts-taxes/trusts-for-vulnerable-people

If you are not getting married you don't need to worry about inheritance being split 5 ways (with your partners kids) as long as your money is kept in your own account and not a joint account it is yours to leave as you wish.

I think you would be best to not marry. Then you can keep your house and any savings/ inheritance for you/your kids. Your partner would have their house, savings, inheritance for their kids.

One issue that could arise is your partner asking you to contribute to running the household if you inherited say 100k - they might think it's unfair to pay everything while you save it. To be fair any claim you had for universal credit, if you had remained single would also stop if you had this level of savings.

It might be better for your parents to leave inheritance directly to the grandchildren (remembering that vulnerable person's trust if possible) and your parents could just leave you £10k or something to treat the family.

You could also think about joint life insurance with your partner to buy time if one of you died. This would again affect entitlement to universal credit while you had significant savings.

Thank you for taking the time to write all that out. It’s very helpful and gives me lots to think about

But are you actively trying to be fair to all kids? Because it seems what you want is to protect your assets for you & your kids, while B kids are described as being fine because they will have support for uni education, a good mother etc. B’s kids may well have many issues in the future which an inheritance/gift would help with.

Your children & particularly your disabled child should be your first priority, but B’s kids should be his.

You have mentioned uni a couple of times. Just thought I would say that if you lived together your BFs earnings would be counted for the kids maintenance loans. If he earns an amount to stop you getting child benefit as you said, uni maintenance loan will only be 4.5k a year. Halls rent alone will probably be double that a year.

I had it the wrong way round! The one expected to be sharing between all 5 was the one not unreasonable. Thank you

I think it would be fairest for you and B to own the joint house unequally (so if you put in 50k deposit which is 20% of the cost you own 20% of the house) and the you can both keep inheritance for your own kids. It's a bit shit for B's kids to be expected to finance the shared house via their dad but you won't share with them when they've had to make the sacrifice

If I was B I would want to leave my house to my children.

B’s kids should not be disadvantaged by A’s circumstances. What is fair is not always what is equal.

OR If the new house is left between all the children, so should the rented house.

You can’t engineer or depend on factors outside your immediate set up, e.g other potential inheritances etc.

The reason I fell in love was because he put his kids first. He’s always payed more than he has to. Always cancelled dates in the early days if his ex asked to swap days. He is a really great dad.

I thought it was fair keeping the grandparents money for the respective grandchildren and dividing the house equally. I was surprised B thinks it’s fairer to go all in with everything. I have a few examples in my family of my approach being the norm. I half siblings from my dad side who are only getting a share of the family home nothing from my mother’s assets she inherited. That why I came here to ask what others think is reasonable.

@Winter2020 s post is an excellent summary. I would just add that when someone dies, the partner can freely change their will entirely. Indeed, they can change their will without saying anything to you, while you are alive.

You could go the the solicitor together and draw up valid wills you both like. One of you could make another appointment the following week to change theirs to something they prefer. So if you need something specific to happen, it mustn’t be dependent on someone else’s will.

MiL has twice been told about what will happen to ‘her inheritance’, and twice it hasn’t happened. She is still upset about it donkey’s years later.

If you were paying 50/50 on the mortgage and bills it would be fair to do as you suggested. So if he is going all in from his side then he's expecting you to go all in from yours.

Fwiw I wouldn't blend finances with someone with kids as I rightly want to also keep any money I have for my own dc.

This is so difficult and I think really hard to properly get what is fair in this situation and the impact marriage will have - there are positives and negatives for both of you for that

one thing I do wonder is if actually given your DS care needs your parents shouldn’t think about actually putting into trust their income directly for your children so that is protected because I think sharing that is unfair.

I really don’t know I think you both need individual and joint legal and financial advice about how to proceed

Yeah that’s why I mention uni. He plans to pay his kids rent through uni as his parents did for him. I won’t be able to afford to do that for my dd and yet she will get the lowest loan because her step dad has a 6 figure salary. Im no stranger to poverty, i had no family support through uni, it meant I had to go to a local uni after working a few years and missed half the experience because I was so poor. I worked like mad and saved like mad to buy my house then married a financially abusive man, then all my spare money went to legal fees of the divorce and child arrangements. When I moved in with my youngest dad we had a few good months then I had to stop work and had no money and he didn’t share his money only paid for the house as our budget was based on us both earning. I’m fine with poverty I love family and company and value safety and security more than things and experiences. I am never going to earn well ever again my parents money is all my dd was going to get from me. It just a fact she needs to do uni and set herself up in life because no one else can help her. She’s primary age and may not even want to go uni! Perhaps that’s why I’m clearly a bit overly protective of her inheritance. B had financially supportive parents growing up and he has clearly benefited from that with a good degree and good job (he works hard that true too!) I have lived a life financially similar to what my dd will live through. My own parents funded/part funded two of my full siblings through uni and my brother will inherit more than the daughters. I was trying to avoid dd feeling as I do about my parents and brother

Yeah I am beginning to think this. Best senario is I don’t inherit anything and it jumps strait to my kids. Trouble is B expects to use his inheritance as a joint asset, he isn’t one to save he likes to live a good life so while I’m sure I can get him to leave his parents money just to his kids the likelihood is he will have spent a chunk of it on the family home/holidays etc.

Seems very much a case of what’s yours is yours and what’s his us also yours

you want to keep your house, but him to buy a new one and pay for it but then it’s equally yours and you want your children basically get more. I’d never accept that if I was b

I disagree I think it is two people whose priorities have to be different - B wants to live his life - leave something to his children if he can but is working on the assumption they will be ok

OP has to make sure her child is looked after when she has gone and for the longer term future because she needs to

and balancing out that is going to be tricky and will need proper advice and communication

marriage/joint tenancy may not be the right thing either care fees could eat it up and whereas that is fine for B OP not so much

I’m seriously wondering what B gets out of this relationship.

I don’t think there is a way for both of you to do what you feel is fair or expected for your children.

I wouldn’t marry or move in together. Keep finances separate and then have completely separate wills doing what you want with your own money. It means whoever dies first won’t inherit or have any protection from the other one (this seems to really only impact you financially) but it also means you will both die knowing that what you want to happen to your money, is what will happen to it.

If you stay together, you can still spend plenty of time together split between your properties. B can pay for his children to go to university and you can keep your house and benefits. B will be disproportionately better off financially that you for the rest of his life, although he sounds like the kind of man who will help you out anyway but when he dies. However, it will be his children who will benefit from that.

I would think you both just leave money to your own children (three each). Will some of it initially go to the surviving spouse? Or at least the right to live in the joint home?

Or you decide it's all joint money it all goes to the surviving spouse and is then divided 5 ways after A and B are both gone.

What other money any of the children may or may not get is irrelevant really. Some of them may be well off in their own right by then or some may have children of their own you can't try to predict all of their circumstances in the future.

So he has no money or assets and will likely spend any inheritance he gets? You have assets and no way of earning enough to get them again? You would be mad to marry him and give away half as well as being able to claim UC etc. if he didn’t share money with you last time why do you think he would now?

How would your parents react if they knew you would be giving away their money to your boyfriend’s children? My sister is in a similar situation and my parents have said they will disinherit her if she marries as they want their money to go to her children not others.

I think that is incredibly harsh I just think the brutal truth is that the OP has to have a different approach to life because of their different circumstances one is asset rich the other is much higher salary for month to month spending

I also think that is wrong as B needs As assets and equity just as much

the real problem is this is so tricky to see a way that everyone can be ok with it

I think that in trying to do right by your dc you are losing perspective on your step dc a little bit.

Realistically, you talk about the benefits to you and your dd of having them around, but aren't acknowledging that they will lose out too, in the same way your dd does. They will have to adapt to the restrictions imposed by your disabled dc, and will lose out on their father's time and attention if he is more available to you and your dc.

If on top of that they end up losing financially, they would have to be saints to not feel at least a little resentment.

If you want to foster the spirit of 'we are all one family, and we all gain and lose equally by being together' then you have to make sure that that really is the case. I get that you feel like your responsibility is to your dc and they have a good mum whose responsibility they are, but you need to change that mindset if you are going to make it work for everyone.

Or you could just keep things separate, and have a nice but more distant relationship with all. It's a perfectly valid option. What isn't valid is to make changes so that you and your dc are no worse off (financially and practically) but they are.

Fortunately my parents weren’t like this. They knew we will split our estate equally between my one child and my bloke’s three. My son says if we did it any other way he’d equalise it. Not all families are obsessed with “blood”.

Do you only value money in a partner then? Conversation companionship humor shared responsibility for children and housework as a team all mean nothing if one partner isn’t paying in as much?

Do you feel the state should provide school places to disabled children to ensure their parents can work or is that taking the piss too? Because I’m in this situation because there is no help for my disabled child. I was working and contributing fine until the disability lost him his school place so I lost the ability to work. Do you have children who can attend school? Are you taking the piss by relying on that for childcare while you work? I have been fucked by circumstance and no provision for my child. B has been actively involved in this child life since he was 1, at one time living together and he loves him like his own children. While we are not officially together and not living together he still will ask for contact with this child because he misses him and loves him. He spends an evening a week with him at least- that’s time with my son I make use of the childcare and give my dd my time.

is it so absurd that a man can want to be with a woman because he loves HER or is money the only love language? Is it so ridiculous that having stepped into the father role for a child because you love him and want to spend time and can see his own father washing his hands because he doesn’t want a for a son you then miss that child and want to work in the issues that led you to split up in the first place?

as I said I don’t want his money. I just don’t want my children being disadvantaged by his income blocking them from child benefits and financial support through uni - then when their mother finally has money from inheritance having that split between them and step siblings who were financially supported much better all their lives and through uni and almost certainly beyond because B is such a generous man like that.

B will likely agree to my initial suggestion or be happy with his initial thoughts if I come back saying yeah I’ve changed my mind. I just wanted peoples opinions on what is reasonable from an outside perspective. I don’t need telling I’m not worth being with because of the financial impact having a disabled child has had.

Thank you that’s a good point. My sons needs do tend to dominate and that will have an impact on their time with their dad. We planned on his weekend with is older kids I would be responsible for my kids and our shared toddler so they can do teen stuff and go places you cannot go with a toddler and high need disabled kid. But the dynamic in the home needs careful thinking over too so I’m grateful for the point thank you. Maybe we wait a couple more years till they are off to uni or something

That is the basics of it but it sounds a bit harsh. He has no assets because he left the family home for his ex then continued to pay her mortgage for a few years. I do think he should save more it’s madness to me not to squirrel away money for the future but he’s always had money and would rather enjoy his life now and spend it on the kids. He has a very good pension so if he never bought a house he would still be ok.

he wasn’t financially abusive. He didn’t share his money with me when we lived together previously because we rented a house and had a lifestyle that relied on both of us working. I then had to stop work and he took on all the bills but unless he stopped paying for his older kids there wasn’t enough left to pay for my car or anything disposable for me. It broke us because he had never lived with no spare money like that I resented he was still buying lunch at work and coffees etc while I ate through all my savings and lost everything I’d worked for. We have done counselling, he hadn’t considered that it was his income that kept me from getting UC and child benefits back then. All he could see was suddenly I wasn’t contributing and he had less money. now know if we are to live together I need access to funds. We sat down did a spreadsheet and I evidenced I live on very little spare money and how much I would be loosening if we buy together. He understands now and also we will be buying a house we can afford on just his salary not relying on my income too like before.

i was really angry for a long time he couldn’t see I’d like a coffee with friends too and he and he was upset I left him and took my son who he loves. But it was Covid year, I’d moved across country for his job and as he works in a hospital he was out such long hours working all the way through that and I had to move home for my family support I wasn’t coping. We understand each others side of it now and things are much more settled with my boy. Also we won’t be moving away from my support system and there isn’t a pandemic keeping me from making new friends