Is this inheritance set up unreasonable?

[Burntt]

Couple have been together 8 years.

Thinking of buying a house together/getting married. Blended family and need to have the wills discussion before financial entanglement.

Person A. 2 kids from previous relationship. One is disabled meaning they can’t really work anymore now a full time carer. Kids primary age.

Person B. 2 children from previous relationship now teenagers. Well paid job.

One shared child.

Person A owns a property and will rent it out for some income but it’s pennies compared to person B salary.

The new house will be both on the deeds and eventually spilt evenly between all children in the wills.

Other parent of children B also a high earner and has no other children. While we cannot know how that will go it’s likely children B will inherit well from both parents. Children A will get nothing from their other parent.

The question is about person A property and inheritance likely to come from grandparents.

Person B thinks the rental and both sets of inheritance should be split equally between all children in the wills. Person A would likely use inheritance to get a second rental and the rent would be joint money but once A is dead both rentals divide by 3 children (2 previous and shared child).

I’d like some outside perspective without having to talk money with friends and family.

He will be putting far more into shared house. But with inheritance (which is never garenteed) my parents have more.

and I’m almost ashamed to say this because I feel such shame living in benifit but if we don’t merge because I’m a carer and have a disabled child we have UC which I lose if we merge. I will also loose the maintenance obviously so for me financially it’s not much different. I live in half what I used to get working either way. My kids will loose uni funding so they may be worse off in that seance but my non disabled child will benefit as I will have someone fit to cover me taking her to clubs and play dates etc that she cannot access now due to her brothers needs and only me to meet them

Are there grandparents on your step kids side, from either your OH or his ex wife?

my son was 1 when we met and his disability hadn’t stopped me working. It all came to a head when we had moved in. Covid hit at the same time his job is medical so he worked right through long hours and we took the financial hit of me stopping work. Before we understood my son’s disability it was absolute hell, he was smearing poo and extremely challenging. I was pregnant and overwhelmed and he was overwhelmed.

my son is still very high needs but we know how to support him now. He has his diagnosis I can get carer allowance and DLA for him. We have been to councilling and processed a lot. It was really hard on B. He loves my kids he has been amazing but from his side he had to really step up in those days while the child’s own father spent all his energy being difficult and abusive. Now ex has dumped his disabled child we don’t have that stress. Money we can budget for before buying a house. And I’m not pregnant our shared child is almost school age now

Yes two sets and they are the only grandchildren in the family. I’m not sure on their maternal grandparents but I know they are home owners. My kids just have my parents, they do have paternal grandparents but they don’t have assets are social housing tenants on benefits and sadly don’t have a relationship with them beyond Christmas and birthday cards. There are also something like 16 grandchildren on the dads

Isn't it all irrelevant? If someone dies it goes to the spouse, no? Who is to say that they will honour the children in the will when they are not their own? For sure, make a will but I think it all boils down to the survivor and what they chose to do later down the line.

I’d make equal small bequests to the children but the bulk to my surviving spouse.

If I’m the surviving spouse, I’d leave an equal split to the children.

He’s generous with maintenance in the fact he pays more than CMS calculators say he should

Is he paying twice that amount to his ex to care for his older children, or is he already screwing over his older kids too benefit your older kids?

You should buy your house together as tenants in common (each holding 50% share) rather than joint tenants, that way you can each leave to your children. If you are joint tenants yoyr share will pass to tge other joint tenant. You could give right of occupancy to each other if you feel necessary.

Nope person A property and inheritance should be split between their previous children and the joint child. Person Bs stuff should be split the same way. It’s unfortunate if one persons family or ex partner can contribute but that’s life.

and I also wouldn’t merge households sorry, you will lose everything living with this man. You don’t know that I’n a years time you won’t split and you’ll lose everything. Stay in your house with your benefits and everything included.

If the breadwinner is funding everything now, his kids should benefit from everything later.

If both A and B die when all children are adults ..
Person A's property is split up between his/her three children equally.
Any inheritance from A's family is split up the same.
A's share of house B is split between B's three children only.
and ..
Person B's property (the new one financed by B) is split up equally between person B's three children, as is any inheritance left to B from family.

If B dies, while still married with small children, A is allowed to reside in house B (if possible financially) until child of A & B reaches age 21 then house B is divided between person B's three children.
If A dies while still married with small children, A's house is left to A's three children, A's half of house B is left to Person B (who has paid for it).

Leaving new joint house only to B's children, as I have suggested above, is in consideration of the fact that B has generously provided a family income to A and all of A's children.
A remains on the title so can reside there but it is not fair that her older two children inherit any of that house when B paid for it and also their living expenses.

Why? Person B is being expected to share all their assets between all 5 children.

Understandably A wants their assets and inheritance kept out of the shared pot. If they were going 50/50 on the mortgage and deposit of the new place then that house could be split 5 ways between the children, or 6 ways with the shared child having 2 shares. Then the previous house and inheritance going to As children & Bs children gets their inheritance.

However, if A doesn't want to merge all in and is not paying an equal share towards the new house then B should protect their children in the same way and agree upon a split for the inheritance of the new house before committing to do this together. If they are paying 80% of costs but their children only get 50% of the share while A keeps all of their previous equity for their children then it isn't a fare divide

I think the proposal seems to be the latter - A keeps certain assets for her kids but B’s kids father contributes more to the shared house yet that is spilt 5 ways. That isn’t fair on B’s kids surely?

What age is your disabled child? Can you not work whilst he is in education? I have a profoundly disabled child and I still work whilst he is at his specialist setting. It’s not just about the money either - it’s about self worth, and having something outside being a parent carer.

Yes he pays more than CMS for his older children too

He’s not in education. There is no school place that will meet need and keep him safe. He has an EHCP but the LA don’t care to fulfill it. I’ve won at tribunal and with the ombudsman and the LA still don’t fucking care. It’s ruined my life. Just look at this thread all the judgment I get because of how that impacts my earning potential. It’s done huge damage to my self worth yes and all the shame piled on me by those who just can’t comprehend children are failed like this. But my child is not rare there are dozens in my LA alone being denied a school place. The special schools are for either severe and multiple learning difficulties or SEMH. My child has no diagnosed LD so they won’t let him in the normal special school (they refuse to assess him and I’ve paid private and his behaviour and needs are such the assessment couldn’t happen). He cannot go to a school for academically able disabled children because they don’t cater for his significant self care needs.
he gets 2 hours of tutoring a week and 2x2 hours forest school. Provisions I have to drive him to because the transport assessment said he needed a driver and 2 carers for car transport to be approved and the LA said no won’t pay for that. So while I do work a bit from home around him I literally cannot work a normal job as I have my son all the time

Don’t move in. It makes you more dependent on him and the dynamics change. You will be very vulnerable. What you currently do is working. Don’t rock the boat.

Also, GPs can, and possibly should, write their will to protect the inheritance for their GC. They may for example go directly to GC.

However, the disabled child receiving an inheritance complicates their support as well. They won’t be eligible for some things, or their support needs will be taken from their inheritance until it’s eaten up. You need advice on that. It may be safe for their lifetime if they are left a home, not if they are left cash.

The more you post it's clearly obvious that moving into together and buying a house is a bad idea and a significant financial gamble for both of you in very different ways.

Just to clarify I’m not expecting him to share his inheritance between all 5 children. That was his assumption that he would and that I would share mine. Whereas I’d assumed the shared house would be split equally but our inheritance from our parents would eventually go to the respective grandchildren. We had a conversation realised we had different points of view and agreed to think on it then discuss again. I came to Mumsnet to do my thinking.

I don’t want his money; if we are to live together as he wants then I will need him to pay for that house. I’m no better off either way really it’s him supporting me or UC but because my parents have more money than his my children get less if we split inheritance 5 ways. His children would benifit from an equal split. There is an argument to be made he could buy without me stop wasting money on rent and build a better inheritance for his kids than they would get as things stand now. I can’t know what he would have done if I wasn’t involved, but he’s rented the whole time I’ve known him spending all that he earns and probably would have continued like that until he found a woman he wanted to buy with

Yes it really is. That’s why I won’t sell my current house to pay equal share into a shared house, if things go wrong I need not to be left with nowhere to go. It’s the companionship and practical side where we benifit. We can’t go out on dates even if we could find childcare to have my son I’m so exhausted I go to bed as soon as the kids asleep. We see each other when we swap shared child and on outings with the kids. If we live together we would have more time together, if I get to sleep in one weekend morning id be able to stay up in the evenings more. I love cooking and family meals family games etc and don’t have that currently because my disabled kid is particular with food and can’t join in a board game. Step kids are lovely polite kids and a joy to feed and would join my dd in family games. I could go out socially knowing my kids are cared for by B which I cannot do now as every single baby sitter comes once and won’t come back which is too unsettling for my boy. Also my boy loves his step dad, he’s been rejected by his own father, he has no school place no friends no one but me and a sister who resents him for the impact his needs have on her. He would love to have more people around him, and my dd would benifit massively from me having the ability to take her to clubs and things she can’t do now.

its literally just the money and wanting to be fair to all kids that complicates this

I wouldn't consider it without getting married first tbh. You are putting yourself and your children at too much financial risk.

we will get married is the plan. I just want to hold off on that initially to be sure we will work living together and not split up again. After we are settled and things are working the plan would be registry office just to get the legal site sorted with minimum stress

If you keep you property to be inherited by your kids, what do you envisage happening to the house that B has mainly if not solely paid for? And if you don’t sell your house how will you pay a deposit towards this house?

I am very sorry to hear how your disabled child has been treated by the system, and would never judge you for not working. And B sounds like a good kind B, good for him.

But I feel for B’s kids. They’ve had their dad give by the sounds of things, a lot of time & energy to other children. You have already invested in property. This purchase will be B doing the same but it doesn’t sound as if they are getting that property.

So you have the benefit of keeping your assets while benefitting from B’s income. That doesn’t seem fair to his kids.