AIBU to ask husband not to take job that would make me solely responsible for childcare during the working week?

[Veganornotvegan]

My husband and I both work full time 5 days per week Monday to Friday, typical office hours. We both do a combination of in office and WFH (average 2 days in office / 3 days WFH per week) but exact days vary week by week depending on our diaries. Both of our offices are approx 20 minutes away.

Our toddler son is in nursery approx 10 minutes away.

We currently split drop offs and pick ups between us 50/50 (I typically do pick ups, he typically does drop offs) but we communicate daily on this if we want to swap for any reason and this works well for us.

My husband wants to take a job which would be a little extra money (not significantly more, and whilst we are not rich by any stretch, we are comfortable (and not in the middle class way where comfortable means rich! Just comfortable)) but accepting the job would mean he would be out of the house 7.30am until 7pm every day. These longer hours would mean that I would have to do all nursery drop offs and pick ups, as well as all dinners, and bedtime prep for our toddler (which we currently split). I would also have to do all kids sick days as I would be significantly closer to the nursery than my husband, so it wouldn’t be fair to expect our child to wait 90 minutes to be picked up by dad, when I am 10 minutes away (nursery is in between our house and my office, so whether I’m WFH or in the office I’m still only 10 minutes away.).

WIBU to ask my husband not to accept this new job? As a household we would walk away with only a little extra money, which arguably we don’t need, but I would have to take on more of the childcare responsibilities. My husband isn’t unhappy with his current job, he’s just bored, and this new one would be more interesting for him.

Once the basics are covered, we need money for quality of life. What I'm seeing is that husband is trading your and your joint child's quality of life for something he thinks will improve his

As someone who worked while husband is out of the house approx 14 hours a day at a City job, I’d say absolutely don’t do it. You sound like you both have a great work / life balance now and actually respect each other and enjoy spending time together - that’s a rarity among the friends I have. In my experience, if you become a solo parent 5 days a week while juggling your work, the resentment will build, you’ll be exhausted and your quality family time will definitely be eroded because you’ll be seeking out your own solo time. Your husband will likely also be pretty exhausted by that commute and you’ll end up in an ‘I’m more tired’ rut of life treading you down! If you don’t need the money, I’d say it’s a no-brainer for him to turn it down!

Whilst your child is still very young, this would be extremely selfish of him, unless the job was a LOT more money , which it sounds like it isn't

A 90 minute commute is hard
You are right you will lose what you have now

And the fact he'll hardly see his child? Does this not bother him?

So this new job would mean:

-He won’t see his dc during the week
-You’ll be left to parent his children all week, including having to take time off work when they’re ill.
-You don’t want to do this extra parenting.

It would be extremely unfair of him to even consider this job offer, if you make the above clear to him.

This new job sounds like a recipe for a divorce or a breakdown.

So im guessing, if you don't get funded hours due to your income, and both earn nearly identical salaries, you are on 100k+ a year?So approx 20k extra for him in this new job?
So yes a large amount, but you clearly don't need the money. I would say it's not worth the extra commute time.
(I would suggest 200k a year combined income is not just 'comfortable' btw 😂)

Two things strike me:

1. For me, it wouldn't be about the help you could buy with the money, it would be the price of sacrificing daily interaction with your child. As someone whose parent left the country to pursue a higher paying job when I was a kid, for similar status based reasons, it does very much put a dollar value on your relationship.

1. You wouldn't just be parenting on your own during the week - you'd be parenting a child who no longer sees their other parent Mon - Fri which would be an even bigger dynamic shift.

Him taking that job is a terrible idea for the family and he needs to realise that

Ask your husband to consider the big picture. State how long you would be prepared to pick up all the home slack.
Suggest a move of house or him finding another job closer to home after two years.

It might be that you will all move and buy closer to more interesting work.

I’m guessing that you both thought there would be the option to wfh a few days a week when he applied and that meant it would work. But now the company requires full time office work.

Id say no on that basis. A 3 hour commute every single day is huge. He will be tired and less willing to do his share on weekends.

I would say to him that this experiment proves he is marketable so you’re happy to support him in doing some serious job hunting, not just applying for a position he saw but visiting a recruiter etc. Work
out what the maximum commute plus days wfh he would need o do to keep the work
life balance that you both have and suggest he applies for those kinds of roles. If you are not worried about money then it doesn’t matter if the new role is at a higher salary so that opens up more options.

And yes, while he is looking, get him to do 2 weeks doing it all at home so he understands what he would have been asking of you if he had taken this role.

I wouldn't want to do this - with all the extra work. Especially as only minimal increase in salary..
Assume he's added in all the extra commute expense both in money and time to his commute?

If he's bored, can he not concentrate on finding a new job closer to home...

Also long commutes for ever more are tiresome... (I did 5 hour commute 3 times a week for years... 🙄)

Op - if you're planning on having another child at some point how will this new job work when you are exhausted/have morning sickness in 1st trimester and heavily pregnant during the end of it and still having to look after your 1st child all alone all week? I was a SAHP & my DH worked 12 hours days in London or Bristol when my DC were younger and those were long, hard lonely years. Plus my DH would have nights out after work or weekends away too (I also had separate weekends away). So we all saw even less of him then. He had hobbies too at the weekends - he played football up to the age of 50. The money was ok but I look back now and do wonder how I coped tbh. No family support nearby. All domestic things down to me. Its not just about kids being off ill either - I've barely had a day ill in bed in last 22 years because I was doing the school run (by car when it was secondary school as too far to walk). Would you ever dream of telling your DH you were thinking of accepting a new role like this and he'd suddenly have to do everything for your kids all week & youd be gone 12 hours a day? No? then neither should he.

For perspective, our financial situation sounds kind of similar, we have substantial savings, we add to them every month, we don’t have a huge mortgage etc. I recently took a job for more money (going from fully remote to 4-5 days in office plus long haul travel 4 weeks a year) and progression opportunities because I was a bit bored. Also have young DC. DH still fully remote. I am early 80% more than I was before and I like the work fine, but even that much more money has not been worth the loss in quality of life. Everyone is having to just rush around more. I don’t get much exercise or have time for friends and hobbies because I’m constantly trying to make up for family time. DC doesn’t get to see me much. I am grumpy with DH. And my commute isn’t nearly as long as your DH. I am out of the house 6:15-4:30 most days. I would not give up flexibility with young DC unless you really have to.

Absolutely don’t do this OP. My ex DH’s career went from strength to strength when my two were little whilst I did 100% of everything plus worked. I was burnt out skint and resentful and the kids barely saw their dad. I wish I’d put my foot down back then but I was unfortunately a complete doormat. He’s now on six figures whilst I’m trying to build up my career as a single parent without the support that he had from me!

Aw sounds like the current arrangement is idyllic while your little one is so young!

I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask that he looks again in a couple of years when LO is at school ❤️

Also just seen this update - if he reallllly thinks about it, losing this precious period of your little one’s life wouldn’t be worth it alone. This time won’t come again and what wonderful memories for your DC to look back on!

I would say "I cant do all the mornings and evenings with dc I am shocked you would ask, and that you are fine not seeing your child Mon-Fri" dont get into the money conversation because 20%extra after commute etc is decent but still doesnt make it any more practical for you to do all of the childcare.

If his current job was awful or had no security i might be willing to try but it would be last resort as it a lot for you.

My DH works away Mon-Fri & sometimes is away for months at a time, i’m responsible for drop offs/pick ups/sick days for our 2 kids in nursery.

It has definitely affected my career progression. On days in the office I have to arrive later than everyone else & leave early in order to do nursery runs. I am lucky my boss is accepting of this, but it would seriously inhibit my chances of getting promoted & i’m well aware other bosses may not be so accommodating. Managing sick days alone is a nightmare & I often end up trying to juggle wfh with kids in the background (avoiding telling work where possible) as i’m constantly worried they will get fed up of it.

Are these things that would be possible in your role? If I had a more people facing role then I know this wouldn’t be feasible.

It can also cause a lot of resentment between me & DH. Especially as I am inevitably the one who also then catches all the kids illnesses & has to try to continue the juggling whilst ill!

Unless it’s 20/30K a year plus, I’d say no. Not worth it. You’ll end up being basically a single parent … I’d also be wary (unless he is an epically considerate man which I would be surprised at as I think they are very rare!!) that setting this pattern in your marriage when you have a young child will allow it to carry on as time goes and you’ll end up being parent no1 forever. I doubt very much he has thought about being ‘extra’ present at weekends etc because he is absent in the week. He won’t be seeing his child much really; or you. I’d tell him to refuse the offer; they may well come back with better terms which you could consider again. Good luck x

Jesus Christ. I adore my child, but the idea that a parent, particular a mother, can’t want for literally anything outside of being a mother, and they’re a terrible mother, who clearly must not love their child if they want to share the parenting with the father that also created said child, is a toxic, outdated belief, one which is rooted in misogyny!

my husband used to work away most weeks. Of course we can do it, lots of people are single parents 100% of the time. It’s hard and lonely though. I love my children dearly, but there would need to be a big up side to it all. It doesn’t sound like there is particularly

no, no and no

You understand why he wants this job. Dont you?

Absolutely not