MIL getting me down

[Avocad1sh]

I’m not a very confrontational person, but I really feel like I need to say something to my soon to be MIL. Either that, or I need DP to say something, but she doesn’t bother him as much as me. He can ignore her, whereas everything she says gets me down.

We have been together for 10 years and she has always been like this with everything in our lives, but the examples I’ll give are recent ones to do with our wedding.

She likes to give her opinion on everything, and she likes to try and control our decisions as if she gets a say! Problem is, every single opinion is negative. We chose our wedding venue and she wanted to have a look around it. While we were there I was looking at a flower display of the colours and types of flowers I really like and were considering. She walked over and said “see, I would never choose these flowers, they are awful” I said aww I like them because I like colour. It’s a spring wedding so I’d like some colour and these are pretty. She said “just no, at my wedding we had white and sage green and I stand by that. I just think that’s the way to go” I responded by saying no, I like colour and will be having colourful flowers.

We went to her house a few days after viewing the venue and she told us she doesn’t understand what we see in it and just can’t picture the day there at all. We told her the venue gave us a feeling as soon as we saw it that it was “the one” and every other place we looked just didn’t compare. She was gobsmacked and continued to tell us “I just don’t get it” she also didn’t like another wedding we went to because the wooden beams were “too orange” she’s just never pleased. She has to pick fault with everything.

She asked me if my mum will be wearing a hat. I said I don’t know, but probably. She responded by saying “ugh I hate hats!” I said well that’s ok you don’t have to wear one. She said “I do otherwise she will upstage me”

I briefly mentioned to someone else that I quite like off the shoulder or sleeveless wedding dresses and she butted in to tell me she doesn’t like them.

unrelated to the wedding, but the last example that I’ll give is when we bought our house we were sampling shades of paint on the wall. We finally chose one and began painting and she came round to help clear some things out. As she was leaving the room she stopped and said “actually.. I’m not sure I like that green you know” NO ONE ASKED YOU!! and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, we do! Your opinion is not needed, we have already chosen the colour. I responded saying well it’s a good job it’s our house and not yours.

DP tells me to just ignore her, the things she says don’t bother him at all. It’s just going to create drama by saying something to her but I can’t take it any more. Everything we decide about the wedding, she shits on. I told DP to just stop telling her what we are doing so that she can’t pass judgement. Any other advice please?

You poor soul. Your mother in law sounds like my mother.

I've found that a combination of 'mmmm, I can see why you'd think that', and 'oh well, it would be a funny old world if we all thought alike', while blithely doing my own thing, works well. It has the benefit of driving them up the wall, because it gives them nothing to take against, or prolong the dispute.

As well as turning her contrariness into a drinking game. (Fair warning, you're likely to get well pissed if you do this. . .)

I couldn't tolerate a second of this and I'd be telling DP you want nothing to do with her, you don't owe her a relationship. If he doesn't accept this and tell her exactly why I'd seriously reconsider marrying him.

Imagine what she'll be like when you have a child?

Sounds like my mother - I just ignore.

What a truly dreadful person your future MIL is. She is negative, interfering and overbearing and you must find her completely unbearable.

TBH, I'd tell her that if she makes any more comments about how awful your wedding arrangements are, she won't be welcome to attend.

It would probably be best if you are completely no contact by the time you have any children.

Stop caring. Do the ‘hahaha, anyway…’ ignore and move on.

Honestly, these sound like completely ignorable instances of a rather bossy, tactless woman being bossy and tactless.

My MIL is very similar, but I don’t give it a second thought, any more than it would occur to me to take her advice, or pretend I was considering it. . I quite like mine, despite the bossiness and tactlessness.

100% this. Imo just don't engage or even properly answer her.

Dont cut her off (drama plus difficult with DH plus possible regret etc - and she might be going through something and will change) but don't give her energy or even really listen to her if she's like this.

Your convo about flowers- don't waste your energy! Just say Hmm after the first comment from her and move away. satisfying power move.

Poor you! She may well get worse in the lead up to the wedding. My MIL was a complete pain in my wedding preparations. My tactic was to give her a role- I literally asked her to take care of the flowers in the church and at the reception. I wasn’t bothered about the flowers and it created a way for her to channel her energy and feel very important. I then shut her out of every other aspect of the planning. That won’t work for everyone though.

You may just need to create a lot of distance and exclude her from any process that is jot finalised. If this doesn’t work, you could try the direct approach and say something like, ‘That’s a bit direct/rude’ or ‘You have a strong opinion on this, but it’s very important to me…’ or ‘that’s not a very helpful thing to say’, etc. And then push back each time while asserting your boundaries.

I’m afraid this is no easy fix if you want her in your life.

She sounds awful and I agree with you, however you just need to be forceful and shut her down.

she doesn’t like the paint - “good job it’s not you living here Maureen”.

she doesn’t like your wedding dress “good job it’s not you deciding Maureen”.

the hat conversation - “that’s your choice Maureen”.

doesn’t like the venue - “good job it’s not your decision Maureen”.

just shut her down with a short sentence and don’t engage in any more conversation. You need to find your voice and ignore her.

Strict information diet required.

See her as little as possible.

Move far far away before having any children.

She doesnt have to get it. She doesnt have to like it. Its not her wedding, its yours and your future husbands. Shes had hers. I think its time for him to step in and tell his mum to wind her neck in. If shes this opinionated over a wedding then youre in for a hell of a ride when the babies come!

It's not like she's commenting on life changing things or things that actually really matter to anyone but you so I'd ignore her.
However I would start putting in boundaries with my words as otherwise, if you have children then there could be more serious impact.

YANBU, my MIL is the same. Opinion on everything. I do just ignore her though. I avoid as many gatherings as possible without it being obvious. Let your DP see her - go out when shes around. Protect your mental health from her as much as possible

Your responses and approach are all wrong, its not about being confrontational, youre giving her too much leeway. Opinions are like ar*holes, everyone has them, and usually they shouldn't be shared...

Youre dealing with someone who treats everything as her domain, gets her sense of importance from judging, and masks control as “preference.”

A big problem you have is also DP. Their ability to ignore it combined with the lack of boundaries + over-sharing just keeps giving MIL ammunition to wade in.

1. Stop giving MIL information. Full stop.

MIL only criticises what she knows. So cut the supply.

And DP needs to get on board. If he can ignore his mum, he can also stop feeding her intel that you can’t emotionally shrug off.

1. Don’t defend, don’t justify, don’t explain

your interactions give MIL the rope to keep tugging.

MIL: “I hate those flowers.”
you: “I like colour because spring….” (explanation = open door)

Instead:
“Noted.”
“We’re happy with it.”
“That’s okay. It’s already decided.”

Then change the subject or walk off.

3. Use one boundary sentence — and repeat it

“We’re not looking for input on this.”

“Thanks, but this decision is ours.”

“It’s sorted.”

“We’re doing it our way, but thanks.”

calmly, without debate. If MIL pushes again, repeat it verbatim.

4. DP does need to step up — but strategically

stop protecting DP from being uncomfortable. If his mum isn’t bothering him, great — but she’s hurting you.
and partnership means he acts even if he doesn’t personally feel the sting.

DP only needs to do two things:

1. Stop telling her details.
2. Back You Up in the moment.

MIL: “That venue is awful.”
DP: “We love it, and that’s what matters.”
Then he ends it there. She can huff, but she hears the message.

MIL’s disapproval is about control, not taste. You'll never get her approval so stop trying.
Once you stop trying to win approval, it becomes much easier to shrug off.

You’re not crazy — she is draining you. Stop giving her the information she uses to pick things apart, stop explaining your choices, and have one line ready for every negative comment. And DP needs to back you by keeping details to himself. You don’t need her approval — you just need space from her negativity.”

f you don’t put boundaries in now, she’s going to trample the wedding, the house, the baby situation one day… everything. The wedding is your first big chance to reset that dynamic.

I think she’s envious and attention-seeking. I would say ‘well you don’t have to like it because it’s not your decision.’ Never ever ask her opinion on anything or show her anything.

I understand @Avocad1sh It’s the relentlessness of it.

If you take no steps to deal with it (and one expects that this would last for the rest of her/your life), everyone else will sail along through life blithely and you will trudge through life seething with resentment and unhappiness. Why should you live like that?

It’s DP’s mother. Men don’t really put themselves out until they have been put out. He needs to be made so uncomfortable by you that he shuts her down. My line (because I can be unbelievably blunt) would be “you sort her out, DP, or I will and it won’t be pretty “. And I would follow through.

This is what DP does and tells me to do the same. I just find it so hard. If my own mum was like this I would’ve stopped bothering with her years ago because I can’t stand to be around the constant judgment and negativity

Maybe my specific examples seem ignorable but this goes on every single time we see her. For years. About anything and everything we do. When we were looking for a house we found one we absolutely loved and DP was so happy to be putting an offer in, he called his mum to tell her. She started shouting at him down the phone (she was on speaker in the car) saying she wasn’t happy with the area, it’s too far from his friends and asked what he would do on a Friday night if he wanted to meet up? She said she really wouldn’t be happy with us moving there. Then two days later called us again to say she drove over the house to check out the area and she doesn’t like it and isn’t happy about it.

We got a second cat and she told us we are stupid and started getting stressed out on our behalf about how much more work we will have to do and what about holidays etc etc. she is way too involved in all of our decisions and I wish DP would learn to just stop telling her about our lives

I don’t get it
You don’t need to.

I hate hats
Don’t wear one.

im not happy about…..
we are.

I've got one like this too. It must be so miserable to be so negative and have every thought that comes into your head be a complaint. I just look at her and blink and say nothing, makes it awkward haha.

Ok. You have been unintentionally trained to people please. As a result you care that this woman isn’t pleased by your choices.

That’s the problem. She’s an opinionated tactless woman who is not going to change because it bothers you.

You have to change your perception and reaction. You have to stop being hurt that she doesn’t like your choices. You need to view her like the weather- something to work around and dress for. Don’t take her places or show her stuff. Your DP can if he wants to.

When she says something is awful, you don’t have to answer. If you want to answer you can just say ‘oh’. You don’t have to persuade her to agree with you, or justify your choices.

She’s like the rain. Take basic evasive action when you can, and just get on with it.

I get it, it's exhausting. But she's not going to change so you have to.

I agree just shut her down. But you could also go further and pre-empt her and/or make a bit more of a deal o fit, "Maureen, of COURES you don't like the venue - you don't like anything we choose. I'm used to it. <tinkly laugh>"

"Maureen, we're ging to this restaurant for my birthday on Friday. Don't worry, I already know you probably don't like it but it's okay, becuase I do."

"When we chose the paint colours, it was a toss up bewteen which one you'd hate the most but based on past experience, it's probably this one because it's the one we liked the most."

That's not a MIL problem, but a future husband problem. 🤔
He needs to back you up and shut it down NOW. 😠
He may be okay with her busting boundaries, but when kids come on the scene, it will be become unbearable. 😭
Where is your FIL? Or is your MIL alone?
Has your future hubby got any siblings?
Do they all enable this controlling behaviour, disguised as her point of view?
🤨

The solution is a 'MIL diet' with tips to protect your sanity, such as:

1. Limit your interactions with her.
2. Limit your responses with succinct answers/ shut downs.
3. Limit giving out any further information to her.
4. Limit everything on your part and tell him to step up. 💯

He doesn’t have any siblings, his parents have been divorced for about 12 years now. His mum has a new partner who is really nice and laid back

I agree with this. She’s so blatant, it’s just a joke. She doesn’t sound as if she’s deliberately trying to undermine you or insert herself between you and your husband - she just seems unbearably opinionated and critical. I can totally understand why it’s getting on your nerves but perhaps don’t allow her to be quite so involved with your life.