MIL getting me down

[Avocad1sh]

I’m not a very confrontational person, but I really feel like I need to say something to my soon to be MIL. Either that, or I need DP to say something, but she doesn’t bother him as much as me. He can ignore her, whereas everything she says gets me down.

We have been together for 10 years and she has always been like this with everything in our lives, but the examples I’ll give are recent ones to do with our wedding.

She likes to give her opinion on everything, and she likes to try and control our decisions as if she gets a say! Problem is, every single opinion is negative. We chose our wedding venue and she wanted to have a look around it. While we were there I was looking at a flower display of the colours and types of flowers I really like and were considering. She walked over and said “see, I would never choose these flowers, they are awful” I said aww I like them because I like colour. It’s a spring wedding so I’d like some colour and these are pretty. She said “just no, at my wedding we had white and sage green and I stand by that. I just think that’s the way to go” I responded by saying no, I like colour and will be having colourful flowers.

We went to her house a few days after viewing the venue and she told us she doesn’t understand what we see in it and just can’t picture the day there at all. We told her the venue gave us a feeling as soon as we saw it that it was “the one” and every other place we looked just didn’t compare. She was gobsmacked and continued to tell us “I just don’t get it” she also didn’t like another wedding we went to because the wooden beams were “too orange” she’s just never pleased. She has to pick fault with everything.

She asked me if my mum will be wearing a hat. I said I don’t know, but probably. She responded by saying “ugh I hate hats!” I said well that’s ok you don’t have to wear one. She said “I do otherwise she will upstage me”

I briefly mentioned to someone else that I quite like off the shoulder or sleeveless wedding dresses and she butted in to tell me she doesn’t like them.

unrelated to the wedding, but the last example that I’ll give is when we bought our house we were sampling shades of paint on the wall. We finally chose one and began painting and she came round to help clear some things out. As she was leaving the room she stopped and said “actually.. I’m not sure I like that green you know” NO ONE ASKED YOU!! and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, we do! Your opinion is not needed, we have already chosen the colour. I responded saying well it’s a good job it’s our house and not yours.

DP tells me to just ignore her, the things she says don’t bother him at all. It’s just going to create drama by saying something to her but I can’t take it any more. Everything we decide about the wedding, she shits on. I told DP to just stop telling her what we are doing so that she can’t pass judgement. Any other advice please?

I think this response is great.

You can’t control her behaviour but you can severely limit your exposure to it.

There's some fantastic advice on this thread!
I had a MIL like yours but I bit my tongue for the sake of peace. It helped that she made similar comments to others, so I didn't take it too personally.
It's absolutely correct to just politely put her in her place by stating that you like such and such, end of. Finish the conversation and move on.
Don't let her get too involved, she will learn eventually. Never let her know she's needling you, just state facts emphatically and move on.

Another option, which might be a bit more confrontational, could be to ask her why it matters. She says she doesn’t like where you are planning to move to.
You calmly ask why that matters.

It will probably confuse her and you might need to ask again why it matters if she doesn’t like it. But maybe she will realise what she thinks doesn’t matter without you having to spell it out more forcefully. She won’t like it, your husband probably won’t like it but it might work

Stop inviting her to things like viewing the wedding venue. Only inform her of decisions once they are made, eg flowers, and once the wall paint has dried. Don’t tell her about your dress - it’s none of her business - say “you’ll have to wait and see”. Let her stew about competing with your mums hat if she wants to but just ignore.

I have had this with both MIL and mother with our wedding, then subsequently pregnancy, baby and parenting. The only way I survived was to not involve them in anything until after the event or until after decisions were made. Draw your boundaries now OP.

She sounds awful and a lot like my MIL! I’ve found over the last 20 years that as little interaction as possible is the only way. My DH doesn’t really see what she is like so I feel unsupported by him and have had to muddle through myself.

My MIL has only ever worked part time and had been retired for many years without ever investing much in hobbies, interests or friends and I think she has become over invested in the lives of her grown up children as a consequence.
I just shut her down at every turn now, change the subject or don’t comment at all, I’m not interested in her opinion anyway so I try not to take it personally, nothing I decide would be to her liking anyway.

Certainly in my MIL’s case, it comes from two things — (1) having grown up the eldest of 13 and having essentially had to be an extra authority figure while her permanently-pregnant mother blatantly favoured the boys and let MIL run herself ragged, which meant she had to develop a big mouth and sharp elbows, and (2) adjusting to the fact that she’s no longer the matriarch of a clan with a key role in all decision making. Her children and grandchildren (and a couple of great-grandchildren) are leading their own lives, doing things she doesn’t understand and doesn’t like, and not consulting her. She’s struggling with irrelevance.

Obviously it’s annoying, but I just ignore, as does DH.

My mother is like this. I don't think she's liked or approved of a single thing I've done since I turned 18! (and even before that).

People like her and your future MIL can't get their heads around the concept that other people have different tastes/opinions to them. In their eyes, their opinions are the 'right' ones and everyone who doesn't agree with them is 'wrong'.

Like other posters have said, all you can do is put her on an information diet/not invite her to anything where she can give her opinion. Obviously it would be better if your fiance could do the same, but as someone whose partner is also an only child, I know how difficult it is to get them to stop oversharing with their parents. In my case the problem was only half solved by my MIL dying...

OP is enabling her. He needs to stop running decisions by her and giving so much info to her. She has too much control in your life because she is being given the control.
the fact she mentioned being upstaged is quite telling.
do what other posters have said- limit contact with her. Shut down with short sentences. Don’t invite her to look at property, wedding venues etc.
a bigger problem is getting your DP to do the same. He’s so used to doing this that before you know it he’ll be 30/40 years old and mummy is still heavily invested in your lives.

Very good points there. I didn't understand my own mother’s unrelenting negativity within the family until I was in my thirties.
In her case there was a specific and untreated trauma behind her acting this way, and if we understand these things it makes them very much easier to accept (stating the bleedin’ obvious, I know!) But humanising certain behaviour which angers or repels us makes life calmer, for sure.

As luck would have it, my SIL is also a downer, in a kind of reflex action way. She’d no more enthuse wildly about something than she’d fly to the moon. Never seeks to praise or celebrate, but has to find some fault.
It’s so very marked a characteristic, it’s actually a beloved and very amusing trait now in the family, like a very strange way of holding a teacup might be!
She’s one of my favourite people on Earth, kind and generous and talented, but my gawd she can’t half strike an unwanted tone.
It’s always best either to ignore it, or laugh uproariously.

Just keep smiling and nodding op, you don't need to offer a verbal reply, just an absent minded 'yes' and smile, you will take all of the power away from her words

Dear me.
stop inviting her for these things and any question should be met by « I haven’t decided yet »…
« Really…but the wedding is tomorrow! »
« I better go and figure it out now, you are right! »

and off you go.

You are wanting some validation from her. Quite normal. And she doesn’t give it to you. And she probably never as it has been 10years she is like that?

Just stop waiting.

Mine can be like that, and it's down to the fact she is insecure and jealous, but also because she's not in control and not the centre of her son's world.
We just say things like "Oh well, you've not got to wear it/live there etc.

No what I’m saying is my DP is inviting her to things, not not. DP is the one sharing things with her. I was annoyed when he invited her along to the wedding open day because I knew how she would be. Someone else asked me about my wedding dress and she just butted into the conversation. Even with the paint. We didn’t ask her opinion, she was in the house doing something else whilst DP was painting and she just commented on it. I have never asked for her opinion or validation

Every time she says something like this simply respond with “cheese burger” and then promptly start a new conversation about something else.

OMG... are u marrying into my family and having my MIL as ur MIL too? Lol

My MIL is really negative and likes to stick her oar into everything as well. Ive tolerated it over the years but no more. I just tell her what i think nowadays and i couldnt care less about her opinions. Stand up for yourself otherwise she will drive you insane.

This person is ruining your life and likely to go on doing so UNLESS your DP starts sticking up for you. There is a point in every relationship where the choice has to be made : mother or future wife. It sounds very much to me that she is getting areal kick out of shooting you down. He needs to start getting on your team. Telling you to ignore all this is truly insensitive. He has to make his choice, sooner the better !

Honestly.......

Your problem is your soon to be husband

Hes not taking how you feel seriously and is therefore causing the issues to get worse

He needs to help you by having a chat to his mum to tell her to stfu AND he needs to stop telling her information

If he doesn't step up, IMAGINE what it'll be like when you have children. Dear God, she'll be super toxic

Get DP to sort it FOR YOU. He might be fine with his mum being an interfering old bitch

You're not fine with it and YOU SHOULD BE DP's PRIORITY now

Completely agree with @MrsPrendergast here. Ignoring etc as others gave suggested would work if DH-to-be did the same but he doesn't - he invites this negativity and conflict into your life. That needs to stop. It will only get worse with children on the scene in future.

I’d give her one of those cold-eyed stares that Meghan Markle does so well, then smile sweetly at your fiancé, say ‘anyway, moving on’ and sashay away.

She will not change. Either be ready to ignore it or don’t walk down the aisle.
She will get worse when you have kids.
if you confront her she will likely cause more trouble.

She sounds like my mother. I went low contact, that let to tantrums and guilt-tripping. In the end I just didn't find the relationship worth bothering with anymore. She was already a martyr and a fun-sponge when I was little and she though she could still treat me the same way in my own house as an adult.

Well, no. Live is too damn short to allow such people in your life if you don't strictly have to.

i feel for you, she sounds just like my MIL. I tried to ignore it, tried to placate her, did the whole “hmm our tastes are very different”, nothing worked.
The best approach I have had is by saying “when you do [insert here], it really upsets me”, then when she tries to argue/dig here heels in I just say “I’m not negotiating with you. Your behaviour is deeply upsetting, please stop.”
Then I just repeat it again and again and ask to change the subject. She stops eventually and either changes the subject or flounces off. It’s annoying but you need to shut it down, every single time.

A tube of super glue maybe 😆😆 but honestly some women just have to pee on everyone else’s parade; just go along with her & agree with everything she says the do it your way it’ll shut the old trog up

"Thank you for sharing your opinion" then carry on as you were.

I'd be very blunt:

'I bet you won't like these flowers, but we love them'.

'I bet you'll hate this wall colour, we love it!'

Pre-empt her! She'll hate it!

Or if you miss the opportunity to do so, just hard stare (channel your inner Paddington Bear)!...

'Oh? I don't really care what you think Maureen'.

'I don't recall asking for your input Maureen'.

'Who put 50p in your slot Maureen'.

'It's not your dress/car/house/wedding Maureen'.

'Why on earth do you think we care about your opinion/what you did/what you like?'

No emotion just a hard stare, deadpan then walk away/talk to someone else.