MIL getting me down

[Avocad1sh]

I’m not a very confrontational person, but I really feel like I need to say something to my soon to be MIL. Either that, or I need DP to say something, but she doesn’t bother him as much as me. He can ignore her, whereas everything she says gets me down.

We have been together for 10 years and she has always been like this with everything in our lives, but the examples I’ll give are recent ones to do with our wedding.

She likes to give her opinion on everything, and she likes to try and control our decisions as if she gets a say! Problem is, every single opinion is negative. We chose our wedding venue and she wanted to have a look around it. While we were there I was looking at a flower display of the colours and types of flowers I really like and were considering. She walked over and said “see, I would never choose these flowers, they are awful” I said aww I like them because I like colour. It’s a spring wedding so I’d like some colour and these are pretty. She said “just no, at my wedding we had white and sage green and I stand by that. I just think that’s the way to go” I responded by saying no, I like colour and will be having colourful flowers.

We went to her house a few days after viewing the venue and she told us she doesn’t understand what we see in it and just can’t picture the day there at all. We told her the venue gave us a feeling as soon as we saw it that it was “the one” and every other place we looked just didn’t compare. She was gobsmacked and continued to tell us “I just don’t get it” she also didn’t like another wedding we went to because the wooden beams were “too orange” she’s just never pleased. She has to pick fault with everything.

She asked me if my mum will be wearing a hat. I said I don’t know, but probably. She responded by saying “ugh I hate hats!” I said well that’s ok you don’t have to wear one. She said “I do otherwise she will upstage me”

I briefly mentioned to someone else that I quite like off the shoulder or sleeveless wedding dresses and she butted in to tell me she doesn’t like them.

unrelated to the wedding, but the last example that I’ll give is when we bought our house we were sampling shades of paint on the wall. We finally chose one and began painting and she came round to help clear some things out. As she was leaving the room she stopped and said “actually.. I’m not sure I like that green you know” NO ONE ASKED YOU!! and it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, we do! Your opinion is not needed, we have already chosen the colour. I responded saying well it’s a good job it’s our house and not yours.

DP tells me to just ignore her, the things she says don’t bother him at all. It’s just going to create drama by saying something to her but I can’t take it any more. Everything we decide about the wedding, she shits on. I told DP to just stop telling her what we are doing so that she can’t pass judgement. Any other advice please?

OP you haven't commented on the children situation. Are you thinking about having kids? If so this is going to be a nightmare if you don't get your DP onside.

“Got anything positive to say?”

You seem to be doing just fine. You respond pithily from what you’ve said and basically tell her you’ll be doing as you like so I would just carry on. You can’t change her.

a. Share minimal information with her.
b. when she shares an opinion look at her searchingly and say 'oh. thats interesting'. And leave it there.
c. If she gets insistent, tell her you have noted her concerns.

Had the same with my MIL 20 odd years ago. I used to just say “ahh, what a shame eh?” And when she would elaborate or witter on further with her negativity, I would just say, “ no, I mean a shame you think that’s ok to say out loud” in a pitying tone, as if embarrassed for her. She soon stopped.

100 per cent this. they don't need to know anything why did she need to see your wedding venue ? nothing to do with her house she not living there nothing to do with her
a colleague of mine works with me has something similar this week her mother in law was criticising her choice of colours to paint her living room. why tell her nothing to do with her at all ? she doesn't live there no opinion required

Maybe just laugh every time and say 'OK negative Nancy' 😂

If DH finds it easy to laugh off, maybe the answer is to just ask him not to pass on the negative stuff as it stresses you out.

I'd probably start a mental game of noting the objections. Better than letting them get to you.

You will NEVER win with woman…even if you did she wouldn’t acknowledge it so save your sanity and try to stop caring. At the moment she just sounds annoying but if you ever have kids things could get toxic, set boundaries now.

I think whatever you do you need to set VERY FIRM AND CLEAR boundaries BEFORE the wedding, both with her and with your DH. Seriously op you need to sort this out now and let your husband to be know that you can't get married until he takes you seriously on it and steps up.
It's worth considering how he has been affected growing up with this his whole life. Especially as an only child. Is he a doormat? (I don't mean that horribly... I just wonder if he lets others make decisions for him after a lifetime of this).

This

No, we don’t want children anyway. But I agree she’d be a nightmare!

You've got your hands full there op.
What will it be like when you have kids....I dread to think

My Mum is getting much more negative as she gets older and her world shrinks, her mother was the same I just mostly reply with that’s ok or oh ok to anything she says. Ie I hate hats, that’s ok. Your mother will upstage me, oh ok. My neighbours are idiots, that’s ok. They do this, that’s ok. Sometimes I throw in a you do you boo just to really annoy her. The one that shuts everything down is Well that’s none of my business. She can be infuriating and honestly somewhat unlikeable at times so it’s all about letting it roll off my back. She has learned if she says anything I don’t like about my family that’s where I draw the line with my politeness and tolerance. I will not subject them to her pettiness and have never really ever left her alone with my children. (Not that she’s interested)

I find the stock response ‘you may well be right’ shuts everything down …

So your DP was super excited about buying a house, called his mum and she just completely sh*t all over it! Why on earth would he want to tell her anything again? Surely he knows how he will feel after.
I’d keep reminding him that if he calls her, he will feel like crap.
And if he invites her to things you and him will have a falling out.

My now DH once tried telling me that’s just who she is. I told him that if we are going to have any long term chance we need to be a team. Against the world if necessary. Against her if necessary. He either stands up to her or I reconsider whether this relationship has any chance of longevity. We’ve been married over twenty years, because he got it, and started standing up to her.

She gets away with it because everyone gives her too much leeway.
No one tells her off, cos they want to keep the peace, etc, but, she needs to hear it that she’s a pain in the arse.

If she sulks: fine.
If she starts an argument: who cares.

I know it’s easier said than done, but she’s not going to become more easy going once you’ve had a baby.
She’ll be doing all kinds of overstepping, all while she disrespects you, and you say nothing in order to keep the peace.

Apologies, I didn’t read the full thread, so, i didn’t see that you don’t want to have children.

You know she’s going to do it so….

Minimise her involvement
Don’t tell her anything
When she is around, expect her to criticise (and learn to ignore it or do something like say ‘I wholeheartedly agree’ then do it your way anyway’)

whatever you do… don’t get drawn in!!!

Fab advice

Your dp needs to step up and be told he has to stop over involving her as its ruining every happy event

Thanks everyone, there’s great advice been given. I appreciate it 🙏

I wouldn’t sugar coat it. I’d reply with “well, that’s quite rude to say”.

It’s universally, undeniably rude, how dare she do that, who does she think she is?!

Your MIL sounds like my mother, and as someone who has spent years in therapy recovering from her behavior and my father's enabling, I can tell you that this will only get worse.

It's very difficult to constantly turn the other cheek or ignore someone who is this negative and controlling. The problem is that even if you were to stand up for yourself, your DP will not.

I'm sorry, OP, but your DP is the real problem here. He is very enmeshed with this overbearing mother, and at his age and phase of life, he shouldn't be telling her all the details of the life he is building with you, especially when he knows it will just invite her unsolicited and negative opinions.

Your life will not b more peaceful until your DP learns to establish some major boundaries with his mother--something he has to be both capable and willing to do for the sake of your relationship.

Until he can do that (if the day ever comes), then for your own mental health, I'd let him handle all visits and conversations with his mother If she stops by, you can be out running errands, etc. I'd certainly limit my time with this woman unless she can be respectful that her son is now an adult with a life of his own.