Time to get over blaming parents

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

OTHER than actual abuse of course. That is a totally and completely understandably different category.

Most of us on here are parents. With all the best will in the world, our children will grow up and vehemently disagree with aspects of our child rearing. We know we love our kids. And getting our errors thrown back at us in later life will be excoriating. But it's bound to happen.

So why, oh why, do we continue as adults to pore over the past and blame any number of aspects of how we were brought up? Our parents were fallible. Just like us. I read thread after thread on here about it. Most by people making their own mistakes with their children.

Before I have it thrown at me, I had a bit of a horrific upbringing. Almost ended up in care. But given that 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.'

Our generation are no better than the previous one. Thinking we are is arrogant.

I think many of the current parents who are so sure their own parents got it wrong and they are getting it right are going to get a shock when their children are grown up and critical of their upbringing.

I couldn't agree more. None of us are infallible. We all make mistakes.

I do agree. A lot just try their best. We are still allowed to moan about it though. Not go NC but me and my sis do have a whinge now and then.
I love my parents and appreciate all the good things too.
My dd age 17 has also started moaning about some of the things I have done. I said sorry and I was just trying my best.
I do agree it can get out of hand though.

People are allowed to moan and complain on a public forum about what they want. Your childhood shapes who you are so it's understandable people go back to that. Let it go

The parenting of this current generation is significantly different to the previous, never has parenting been so child centered and our children spending so much time passive, alone and sedentary in front of screens.

I was absolutely certain that I wouldn't make the same mistakes as my parents I didn't I made a whole bunch of new ones with my dd and I'm sure that I've made different ones with my ds (8 year age gap) i just haven't had them thrown back at me in an argument yet.
Kids don't come with a hand book and being human we make mistakes all.we can do is learn from them apologise and not make those mistakes again

Absolutely agree. Very few people have perfect parents. Generally I’ve found if you try and walk in their shoes, it helps. All parents make mistakes but mostly they have good intentions and only the knowledge that was available at the time.
My mum died this year at a grand old age, she’s been fairly difficult for various reasons but when I looked back at her life, those problems, hopes, dreams, unfulfilled aspirations….understanding is helpful to peace of mind.

Yes, like you I had a pretty horrific time with addicts for parents so find it hard to sympathise too deeply with some of the complaints about parents.

Though everyone is entitled to feel how they will and get whatever support they might need.

Sometimes it’s easier to blame someone else rather than work on yourself, which I say from experience!

Interesting OP… I grew up with emotionally distant parents (but not intentionally abusive) which made us as a family pretty dysfunctional.

I have said to myself many times over the years and to my siblings that “they did their best with what they knew” and that they were products of difficult circumstances themselves. But, I don’t know whether I actually believe it!

It’s been 20 odd years and my self esteem is rubbish and has been my whole life and I’m seeking therapy to now work on myself. I don’t want to be a victim and place blame on my parents… but occasionally I do think I wouldn’t be so messed up if my parents hadn’t made me this way! But ultimately, whatever my past, I have to work on myself now to improve things. I think reminding myself of that stems the blaming.

I’ve often thought this when reading threads about parents, sometimes they can’t win. There was even someone the other day moaning that their parents used to feed them pasta with sauce from a jar as though it was a terrible thing!

I’m pretty sure future generations will have something to say about our approach to screens/internet access.

I always say that my opinion about what a good job (or otherwise) I did of raising my kids is not the pertinent one - that would be my kids.

I am profoundly aware of just how flawed my parenting of them was, I so was not the perfect parent.

The difference between me and my mother, is that I am aware of this, prepared to own this, prepared to listen to them and accept their narrative, and to apologise for my shortcomings.

It would have helped my sisters and me so much if my parents could have done that. (And I say mother, because Dad was mostly absent as a parent, especially emotionally - even more so than Mum.)

And also parents tend to follow the fashions and styles of the day. How I was brought up in the 60s was perfectly acceptable back then (be good, be quiet, speak when you're spoken to was prevalent among my parents' 'set') but fashions in parenting change.

In thirty years' time people are going to look back on many of the current parenting fads and think 'what were they DOING?' But it's just parents copying other parents and doing their best, trying to get by.

To add to that, I know my parents would (and did) say that they did their best.

To their mind, they did. My question would be, their best for whom?!

They both had terrible traumas and struggles in their early lives. I know that, I sympathise with that, but my sympathy ends where they used that to shut down any possible dissent or questioning of what even they could not deny was some extremely fucking shitty parenting.

We have exposed our children to so much information that they are never going to be happy with that they have. They will always find something lacking because someone online had something they didn't.

Too much choice devalues your own choice. Too much information devalues your own opinion.

If you had a choice of just two cars, you'd pick the best one for you and be happy with that decision. If you had a choice of 22 cars, you'd drive yourself to distraction trying to pick the best one, and then you'd still think you should've picked a different model.

Well that might be true to a certain extent, but my parents were awful. My father was violent and my mother did nothing to stop him beating us.

Some parents are equally unable to let go of what they had aspired to for their kids. My dad picked my A Levels and stopped me doing the degree I wanted, yet constantly bemoans all the "effort" he put in (I have very few memories with him outside of him doing the above, he was not hands on). If he wants to bring up what a failure I am at every opportunity, I feel it fair to remind him I have no passions left because he stopped me doing what I loved at 17. Just because he paid for me to study what he wanted doesn't mean I have to be grateful. I'm happy enough but I could have had a happier life and will never do that to my kids. It's good to remember what fucks you up sometimes, to stop the cycle.

I really wish I could just forget the shit-ness of my childhood, but every single day something happens in my life now and I am triggered back to a childhood event. I believe that many had it worse than me, so it must be my personality type. I have had loads of therapy but I just wanted to say on here that honestly, no one chooses to keep going on and re-playing what our parents (and in my case, siblings) did. No one. Me, and it seems, others, just can't forgive and/or forget.

Agree completely.

I once had a chat with BIL when I was staying with him about our parents. I agreed that my mum and dad hadn’t been great, but disagreed that I would ever say anything to my mum because she was a widow, I got in very well with her now and it would make me feel better for approximately 1 minute and would make her feel pointlessly crap.

He went ahead and berated his parents for what he say as their various failings with regards to him. His dad summed it up well. He listened very carefully and said at the end, “I’m really sorry you feel that way, but what do you want me to do about it now?You’re 30, married, emigrated abroad and have a great job.”

so it was a complete non-apology then, @Ddakji

The very first sentence of the OP says she’s not talking about actual abuse.

I’m sorry for what happened to you but that’s not what’s being discussed.

Why would he apologise? He hasn’t done anything wrong (and hadn’t done anything different from with his siblings, of whom DH is one - oh yes, BIL also berated DH for this, that and the other including not helping him with his uni application, despite being away at uni at the time and having done his own uni application by himself).

Surely this more a question of personal resilience and outlook or understanding of life. Yes, some people can acknowledge their parents limitation’s and hopefully good intentions and do not overly personalise the mistakes made. Other people are less able or willing perhaps to do this, probably for a multitude of reasons.

And some people have childhoods where there was food in the cupboards, clean clothes etc, but they were neglected emotionally or under-prepared for life in some way. This can create a conflict between reason, thinking ‘I was taken care of’, and feeling ‘but I was unloved’ and that’s harder to align.

Parents and early caregivers form the earliest examples of relationships for us, there’s a power dynamic there too and usually an abundance of time spent together so how could they not be used to help further our sense of who we are and how we are? I’m not sure apportioning blame is always a helpful response, although undoubtedly sometimes it is, and maybe the past can provide an explanation instead.

The UPF thread made me sad. We are all mostly just doing our best.

I think people are allowed to process feeling of being angry or let down about how they were parented.

I think they are still allowed to do this if their parents were doing their best.

I also don't think all parents are doing their best.

I think it’s important to let people acknowledge that stuff that happened in the past was wrong (as no doubt attempts to discuss with parents end in refusal to acknowledge wrongdoing).

However I agree it’s a waste of time letting it dictate the rest of your life, or spend time agonising over things as an adult.

As an adult the person in control of your life is you, so make the most of that.