Time to get over blaming parents

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

OTHER than actual abuse of course. That is a totally and completely understandably different category.

Most of us on here are parents. With all the best will in the world, our children will grow up and vehemently disagree with aspects of our child rearing. We know we love our kids. And getting our errors thrown back at us in later life will be excoriating. But it's bound to happen.

So why, oh why, do we continue as adults to pore over the past and blame any number of aspects of how we were brought up? Our parents were fallible. Just like us. I read thread after thread on here about it. Most by people making their own mistakes with their children.

Before I have it thrown at me, I had a bit of a horrific upbringing. Almost ended up in care. But given that 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.'

Our generation are no better than the previous one. Thinking we are is arrogant.

But some parents don’t learn isn’t that the issue?

Everyone makes mistakes but it helps to learn from them.

Now I do think some people navel gaze and focus on things that aren’t a huge problem and you can also have a parent that is bad in certain ways but great in others.

We are much more child centric now, I think that’s better but maybe we are bit too child focused.

The older I get the more I see my parents as actual people who had their own stresses and struggles rather than just being the people who were supposed to magically know what the best thing for me was in every scenario.

Becoming a parent has made me realise how hard it is to get things right and how sometimes you just do what you can and hope for the best.

My parents were very good people though. Self sacrificing and loving. I can understand people feel differently if their parents harmed them, even if it wasn’t exactly abuse or neglect.

A lot more younger people question if they want to be parents and the resources needed to be good ones. People didn’t really do that in the past.

I assume his son wanted him to apologise, not produce a classic non-apology.
If you smash someone’s plate, you say you’re sorry, you don’t say ‘Well, it’s smashed now, what the fuck do you want me to do about it?’

When someone tells someone how seriously they’ve hurt or damaged them, no one is expecting a time machine trip to rectify it, they’re hoping for an expression of contrition, or at least responsibility. They certainly don’t want to have their own successes in adult life cast up to them as a sign they can’t be ‘all that damaged’.

I don’t think ‘blame’ is the right word, either. I certainly don’t ’blame’ my parents for my seriously neglected upbringing. They were both dragged up, lost one parent very young, and grew up in deprived, dysfunctional environments. My parents did their best, like most parents . Unfortunately, their best was totally inadequate. The kicker is that they have no idea how terrible their parenting was, because they’re withdrawn people with no friends and few sources for comparison. They will die without ever realising.

Totally agree but don't think children should be blamed for their parents' limitation in their choices at the time because they had children. For instance, I couldn't do x y and z because I had YOU or emotionally dump on their children. This is very common in my social circle among my fellow millienials and even Gen X. Other times I get the survival mode in parenting because it's fucking tiring in fact I understand a lot more of my mothers struggles since I've had my own children but emotionally dump and guilt trip your children for your own ineptness when it came to taking action is not the child's fault.

I don’t know anyone who feels this way except in really seriously bad circumstances. I am estranged from my mum (my dad’s dead but he wasn’t really around anyway). Everyone around me seems really close with their parents. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m definitely the odd man out.

That said, I suspect there is a lot of judgement of adult children who are estranged from parents without actually understanding what happened. I think most people probably think it’s odd that I’m not close to my mum. She is a ‘nice lady’. She’s polite and helpful. She tells everyone how sad her life is that her daughter tried to blackmail her for money and then cut her off when it didn’t work. What a sad, shallow reason not to talk to your mum and prevent her from seeing her grandchildren!

That’s not true btw, no money and no blackmailing. She’s NC with her entire biological family. Her partner’s children and grandchildren are all NC with them both too. Funny enough, because they also tried to blackmail them for money. How lucky they have been with such horrible children!

Actually, the real reason is that she facilitated contact between a convicted paedophile and my children. Thankfully, best I know, they were never harmed, but he has re-offended with other children (not mine) since because she has been his cover. She thinks it’s fine as they weren’t really hurt and their parents consented. 😳 I was also abused as a child (not by the same person), and she doesn’t really care. My childhood was outwardly very ‘naice’ - holidays, ponies, lots of material things, but dysfunctional. She didn’t take me to school for about a year because she couldn’t be bothered. We didn’t have normal food. I used to eat ice cream for breakfast.

No one knew back then how upside down life was and, with the exception of a few close friends who know the truth (and also are no longer her friend), no one looking in from the outside would suspect now that she is anything but a nice old lady with a mean daughter who has bought into some new age psychology BS and cut her off for something frivolous. It’s because people don’t really announce this stuff on a t-shirt and you never really know what’s going on behind closed doors, even with people who seem otherwise quite pleasant.

'Best for whom??' Resonates with me massively!
My parent would say they did their best, but thats because they operate on a baseline that they are right all the time, and refuse to take any advice, do any research, and would double down rather than admit they are wrong. I refute their claim they did their best, because I refute the idea that they gave it much thought at all - they simply did what they thought was best based on nothing other than their own assumptions. They did not pay attention to the personalities and behaviours of the children in front of them, how we responded to their parenting, how we responded to our other parent, what got positives outcomes and what got negative ones.
Them saying they did their best is like... someone deciding they need to drive to the shop, and not doing any research on the route, not paying any attention to the route on the day, not paying attention to traffic, not paying attention to someone shouting at them from the side of the road that there's a brick wall in their way, them driving into the brick wall and damaging it, then saying 'I did my best'. For reference, my parent is a driver, and would pay attention to all these things when driving, but couldn't be bothered to put anywhere near the same level of effort in their parenting.

My parents were fab but made some mistake parenting teens which they freely admit. I was careful not to make those mistakes so I didn’t - but I just made different ones!

Made me sad too

Although I do cook sometimes, often I don't. So I guess someone could turn round and say that's one of my failures

I hope I make up for it in other areas

I agree. I think that ultimately you’re responsible for how you deal with what happens to you.

However, when, as a small child, neglect and/or abuse forces you into certain survival behaviours, or you simply don’t grow up in any way understanding your own needs and wishes because you learned to suppress them, that is a deeply ingrained behaviour that is very hard to shift in adulthood. You’re likely to have deepseated problems with addiction, forming relationships. You can, with enormous effort, work on these, but it’s like learning to walk after a stroke.

I used to hate the phrase “forgiveness will set you free”.

But it was true.

However even after forgiveness, which came of its own volition, unforced and unexpected, the sad black hole in my solar plexus remained. The anger and resentment were all gone. But the sad remained.

Systemic coaching (and thankfully I had no idea how woo woo it was going to be until afterwards, or I wouldn’t have done it) let me put that final burden down.

Now I get to love them, miss them, honour them in all their human gifts and flaws.

It’s a much, much more peaceful way of life.

40 years was a long time to ache for what they couldn’t be, but better late than never.

In some ways it was a gift. Better me than my son at the mercy of the concept “children are resilient so parents should prioritise their happiness and the kids will adjust”.

There are people who had very damaged parents and a damaged upbringing as a result. And there are the rest of us who mostly had parents who tried their best but probably screwed up.

In both cases, I believe that the answer is not to go to your parents seeking help. What can they do? if they're the former, they don't know/don't care/can't take responsibility/wont' take responsibility. If they're the latter, they did their best but can't fix anything now.

I do believe that it is helpful to explore what happened in your childhood, how it shaped you and how that impacts you. And to interrogate, for yourself, whether your behaviuors and responses are appropriate or whehter you should change them. I had some therapy in my mid 20s and it was hugely helpful - allowed me to see that the things I'd been damaged by with my parents were things done with good intentions and within their own capabilities and that overall, they had been good parents and had tried their best. Doesn't mean they don't still anoy me or upset me sometimes, but that reframing was very helpful.

Absolutely agree and I’m finding this current trend from 20 somethings of humiliating parents for not spotting autism - when they likely are themselves too and had zero help plus there was zero knowledge available - abhorrent.
I work my arse off for my kids, put them first always, and if they turned round in their twenties and complained about a tiny aspect of my parenting, taken out of context of course and with zero acknowledgement of their own part, I would be gutted.

I think this generation have a lot more understanding especially with nd and it leaves a bitter pill for those who suffered just a generation back without the support, knowledge or understanding that’s there is now.
It was perfectly normal to expect a bloody good hiding to mould you into shape if you displayed signs of nd.

My grandfather told me he wasn’t even allowed to be left handed and was forced to sit on his left hand to fix this behaviour, again something we later understood to be normal for his left handed children’s upbringing.

Every generation is a bit softer than the last and people blame their parents rather than what was normal at that time.

I can't relate that any of that.

'And getting our errors thrown back at us in later life will be excoriating. But it's bound to happen.'

Never had any conversation remotely like that with my parents. Never had a need to, it never even occurred to me! So it is not necessarily 'bound to happen.'

I am sorry you had a difficult childhood, OP. Truly. We all deserve a great start in life and adults have a duty to be responsible and provide that.

I know I was very fortunate.

Edited with a thought I have just had: my mum had a difficult childhood and always said that she was very conscious of the things she felt her parents got wrong for her and 'broke the cycle' (her words). My fathers parents separated and this made him probably the most loyal man I have ever known. Difficult times for my grandparents, though having babies at the end of a world war.

I’m sorry to hear that but I think this is kind of the point the op is making. You have a genuine reason to be upset with your parents, and so adults going on about their neglectful childhood - because their parent didn’t say the right words after they came last at sports day or whatever - is minimising true neglect.

I spent many years thinking I had been emotionally neglected etc etc (those being the buzzwords I applied to my situation). However, reflecting since I've had my ADHD diagnosis, I think I was a very difficult child for my mum to cope with. She wasn't particularly warm and cuddly as a person, but I was also spiky, overactive, very VERY different to her with no real point of contact for us to bond over.

I also have rejection sensitivity. So I now think that a lot of the problems that I previously ascribed to my neglected childhood were a perfect storm of personalities to which I more than contributed.

I judge my parents positively. I think my DC will have a lot of issues with my parenting and think I was abusive. I am not the parent I want to be. I get very cross sometimes. I’m usually a very calm person and pre-kids I had never felt anger. But I have one child with ADHD and constant very challenging behaviour and as I was a well behaved child I have not experienced receiving discipline. I am in disbelief at the disrespect my child shows me, they make every day hard work and stressful. So my parents did a wonderful job providing a warm, happy, peaceful home…. But they did not have a child like mine. It’s a different kettle of fish. I wonder how they would have handled this.

Becoming a mum has healed so many small wounds, and amongst them is that I have a renewed feeling of grace towards my own mum. I am trying to avoid some of the things she did that made me feel guilty/ashamed etc. but also when I'm trying at my wits end and snap or raise my voice, I recognise that I am part of a global and ancestral community of women just trying (and occasionally failing) to keep their sh*t together and I am no better or worse 🤣

Mysogyny and the patriarchy are being challenged. Women have more access to education and contraception. It will impact parenting.

I agree all humans are learning and will make mistakes, we all need a growth mindset, a willingness to learn. Shutting down communication doesn't help.

So true. I have to laugh at some of the smug posts " I am not like my parents". You probably are.
And again, I am not talking about abuse!

My main issue with this is that my parents refuse to acknowledge the awful things they did, and have never apologised. The impact that it had on our lives therefore feels dismissed so it is not easy to move on from it because they have no remorse, particularly as this means that they continue to behave in a similar manner even now. Of course none of us are perfect and everyone will get things wrong but being defensive and dismissive about it shows a lack of respect for the other person.

I have no doubt my children will criticise some things I’ve done someday because everyone reflects on their childhood as they grow up and become parents themselves. However, I always apologise to them if I’m in the wrong and would do so if they raised any issues as adults. I’d be sad I’d upset them and listen to them, try to see it from their point of view and hope that they could forgive me, rather than try to justify myself.

I think some humility and remorse goes a long way and unfortunately many of the current generation of elderly parents of adult children respond to any attempt to discuss things with self-justification, dismissiveness and disdain.

Agreed. My DPs were typical 70s/80s DPs. They were both good and bad, but ultimately they did their best and they raised us to be independent, functioning members of society who work and pay their taxes and some of us have got married (happily) and had kids and we are, in our turn, doing our best. I have a sibling though who struggles with their MH and blames our DPs for most of their ills. IMO, sibling would be better off working on their MH and not spending so much time alone, stewing and being bitter.

When I was in my 20s I made a decision to put our DPs mistakes in a metaphorical box and stick it in the attic. It was one of the best things I ever did and I'm a much happier and more well-balanced person for doing so. We can only do our best. Our DPs loved us, they weren't always good at showing it and they made mistakes, for sure, but they did their best and still do and for that we're extremely lucky.

This! Just wait for it.....