Time to get over blaming parents

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

OTHER than actual abuse of course. That is a totally and completely understandably different category.

Most of us on here are parents. With all the best will in the world, our children will grow up and vehemently disagree with aspects of our child rearing. We know we love our kids. And getting our errors thrown back at us in later life will be excoriating. But it's bound to happen.

So why, oh why, do we continue as adults to pore over the past and blame any number of aspects of how we were brought up? Our parents were fallible. Just like us. I read thread after thread on here about it. Most by people making their own mistakes with their children.

Before I have it thrown at me, I had a bit of a horrific upbringing. Almost ended up in care. But given that 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.'

Our generation are no better than the previous one. Thinking we are is arrogant.

The problem with that is that many of the parents in question claim they weren’t abusive or neglectful when they were. Many claim they have “no idea” why their children have limited or cut off contact with them and pretend they are the victim.

With regards to social media use and smart phones, why do you feel it was a mistake? Did you keenly embrace these or did you have reservations at the time? And if so, what overrode those reservations... I'm just curious!

Very much depends on whether it was just bad decision-making or selfishness
It’s usually a combination of both.
My children will be able to point hundreds of fuck ups that I’ve made throughout their lives but they will always know that I always put them first.
And that literally every move I made was for their benefit, not mine.

Can’t say the same about my folks

Posters are posting about how their dads hit them. I think we can all agree that is abuse.

I just allowed too much internet access too young - some of it was because of the aforementioned 3 jobs and some was because of Covid - I don't actually think my DS is particularly damaged by it but I think that's luck rather than judgement. I also allowed a smartphone in primary because again, working too much, needed him to walk home/take bus to after school activities and I wanted to be reassured he was safe, and allowed social media from age 11 (supervised to an extent, but on reflection I really wish I hadn't). If I had been more mindful and intentional about these choices I would have done a lot differently.

I understand that we all do the best we can with what's available to us at the time, but equally I can acknowledge that my parents best was not good enough parenting even though they had their reasons for that.

I think my main issue with it is that not only do my parents take absolutely zero accountability for themselves, their decisions, their actions and absolutely refuse to acknowledge they were anything other than perfect - my mum in particular is quite happy to critique my parenting every step of the way. What I feed, how I dress, when they go to bed, the type of Toothbrush used, how I discipline, the fact I breastfed etc. That particularly galls me. Along with her pushing the narrative that 'lavender makes things up' 'lavender has some imagination' when referring to hurtful and painful memories of her behaviour towards me. When I was a child it was much easier for her to push the idea that I was a liar to everyone I spent time with incase I opened up to them about how she actually behaved at home towards me. As an adult it's enraging.

I fully believe that I will do my best for my son and I also fully believe that I will drop the ball at times, and I hope that when that happens I'm able to treat him with compassion and acknowledge it without getting defensive/ gaslighting him/ or blaming him.

Everybody wants a trauma nowadays. Or an excuse for how they are in adulthood.
Parents are human and make mistakes.

Oh I think a lot of younger people blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their life.

As adults, we have the choice how to be, and need to stop blaming the past.

(I’m not talking about actual abuse - I've worked in child abuse, and that’s totally different.)

Sometimes it does take until you have your own children to truly comprehend how abhorrent your parents’ behaviour was. If you have grown up with abuse or neglect it can take many years to recognise it as such because children naturally assume that their upbringing is normal, whatever their circumstances are. Obvious signs of abuse and neglect were so frequently ignored by other adults - including teachers, social workers, extended family, friends’ parents etc - that the natural assumption was that all families must be like this behind closed doors.

Then as the child grows up and leaves home it gradually dawns on them that their parents were neglectful/ abusive. But often, only when they have children of their own do they realise the true horror of it: not just that their parents could treat another human being in this manner, but do this to their own child, who was totally dependent on them and as such extremely vulnerable and could not escape, and was deprived of the essential love to grow up with good mental health and self-worth. The effects of not doing so are lifelong and take a long time to be fully recognised and processed.

It is very common only to fully comprehend the horror of it when a someone who never felt loved as a child has a child of their own and realises just how much love a normal parent feels for their child, the innate desire to protect and nurture your child, and then finally the true nature of their own childhood is cast into sharp relief. As such, it doesn’t surprise me at all that this was the trigger point for your friend reflecting on and reconsidering her relationship with her mother.

It’s also the case that once you have your own children you have a duty to protect them from abusive people - felt particularly strongly by those who have been traumatised by their own childhoods - and therefore when the realisation dawns on you of just how appallingly neglectful/ abusive parents behaved you can’t really continue to bury it and pretend everything’s fine, you have to address it with your parents and ensure they at least acknowledge and regret what they did. If they won’t show any remorse then little option is left but to significantly limit or cut off contact because otherwise they will continue behaving the same way to you and your children as well.

I know the OP stated this thread wasn’t about abuse but many of those in the older generation who complain about being “judged” by their children will swear they they were excellent parents and were never abusive or neglectful when the opposite is very clearly the case. They don’t tend to be keen on admitting it and moving forward in a healthy way and trying to repair relationships and make amends. It’s usually approached with denial and self-righteousness and excuses and attempts to paint themselves as the victim and change the subject to talk about how hard things were for them.

I think sadly what a lot of people experienced though, is abuse. I think abuse was very normalized, for a very long time. And it’s important that we reckon with that.

what’s happening right now is an over-correction in the opposite direction, for many families. Hopefully our kids will find a more modest center point.

But I don’t think the poring over the past comes from a place of generational arrogance, I think it comes from a place of generational pain, and a desperate desire to do better- but we’re trying to do better without a roadmap- so of course we’re getting off track in places.

As a disclaimer, I did have an outright abusive childhood.

Of course. But there are many forms of abuse and a lot of parents who were abusive deny this and refuse to acknowledge it or even apologise and then trot out these “nobody’s perfect” or “everyone makes mistakes” lines.

That may be, but I also believe the word " trauma" is overused, as is therapyspeak. Everything in the world need not and should not be be pathologised.
Several psychiatrists have written on this, so not just my opinion.

It’s the fact that most won’t take accountability. Like just say sorry you messed up. I tell my kid sorry all the time

True but my parents thought this was normal parenting. Times change and what other things might later be classed as abuse?

No I don't agree with the sentiment here.

There is a huge difference between making mistakes, big mistakes, being selfish at times as parents AND being consistently and endlessly abusive, even in the most hidden and covert emotional ways.

What often happens for adults dealing with highly coercive families and parents is this...they start to question uncomfortable feelings they've had and are growing within them about their parents and childhood. The blinkers gradually come away and many then see a reality that's hard to accept and is a family experience that was abusive - often no one would ever realise or see it.

These parents could and often do include those who perform very well on the outside. Maybe even pillars of the community. Yet, behind closed doors they have absolutely destroyed the mental wellbeing of their offspring within dysfunctional cult like family systems.

So it's not the same. I believe when someone comes here to start asking questions, then the blinkers are starting to come off. I believe they are going to realise what they experienced is worse than what they ever accepted or knew as they explore more and more.

It is not the same as ' mum only bought my clothes from Poundland '. I never see posts ever that seem petty or without signs something unpleasant operated in that family. Coersion, manipulation, gaslighting, seeing children as objects etc etc.

Yep. I know my son has endless complaints. He is often correct when it comes to big stuff like being in the middle of two parents who disagree) separated). Always will I own this and genuinely apologise.

Many families, the toxic ones especially, feed on silence, brushing under the carpet, no apologies.

I think my parenting is much better than my parents, my mum will frequently compliment me for how I’m raising them. But I’m under no delusions that I’m perfect, I suspect I am fucking them up in my own special way as they will with their own. What matters is they know I try and that I love them, just as I know how much my parents love me. Despite them being a bit bonkers.

That's understandable. My youngest gets far too much screentime - again because I'm working and her dad is working. He works from home so any challenges with trying to encourage other uses of time would be left to him and I don't think I can ask him that when he's trying to work. It's unfortunate and tricky to resolve.

Agree
it’s a reason not an excuse.
That said I blaze my own trail now.
lm responsible for me and my life.
Any negative influences from my parents / up bringing I’ve tried to work through .., well still am.
its all a learning curve.

I think this is a really interesting thread and I don’t have time to read it all now so will return. But I agree op and think it has become culturally fashionable to over analyse our upbringing. I say this cautiously as we do need to reflect, experience and process our feelings before we move on, people can’t just move on because they choose to.

For me I thought my mum was pretty great until I had kids, and for the first 5yrs or so I found all this unexpressed childhood anger and resentment coming up. Unwantedly! But I kind of see it all as part of a natural maturation process like you say, we become parents and we start to see it through their eyes. But what we felt during the not good bits still exists. I think there’s just a growing up that has to happen where we look realistically at our experiences in a balanced way - some were shit and some were great (of course there is a whole gamut of experiences and abuse sits in here differently) - feel our feelings, accept it happened and why, and move on.

Sometimes the feelings still come up to surprise us, but we can use this to relate to our own kids and choose not to dwell and solidify a one sided version of the story. There are many ways of seeing each upbringing.

Same here. I have 9/10. My children have 1/10. I hope very much that’ll make a huge difference in how they perceive their childhoods as adults.

There seems to be a tendency to try to draw false equivocations and say “oh, well, all parents make mistakes” or “it’s just how things were”. But actually it is not: plenty of parents in the previous few generations did not subject their children to things on the ACE list and were very good parents.

The excuses made by many people who were abusive (particularly those who think they were amazing parents simply because they fed and housed their children adequately and didn’t physically abuse their children, while damaging them immensely in other ways) compounds the damage that the parents did because it undermines and dismisses the child (as an adult) bravely, finally speaking up about what happened (which takes huge courage) and dismisses and ridicules the impact on them. I just can’t imagine being told I’d caused such pain to my own child and my main concern not being about that and wanting to comfort them and make amends, but rather trying to find some way to spin a narrative to make myself the victim and pretend I was in the right. This denial of the reality is, as several posters have noted, a very common scenario sadly.

IMO. Parents have an obligation and responsibility to do their best. And as long as they do I don’t think we can really hold it against them. My mother did her best, my father did the bare minimum, he made sure we had food clothes and a roof, I don’t resent my mother but I do my father because he could have and should have tried harder but he was and still is lazy and selfish when it comes to other people’s needs. His lack of compassion and care along with his harsh attitude towards me resulted in me marrying someone who was nearly identical to him without me realising it, which then led to years of me being treated badly and ending up with severe depression. So yes parents have a lot to answer for sometimes.

I just looked at that ACE list. Anyone who gets 9/ 10 on that list was abused. I got 1. But this thread is not about that!

It kind of is.

I have had years of counselling to SEE how appalling my parental experience was and still is without good boundaries and now knowing and seeing. We are often blindingly loyal and brainwashed and it can start with a little question on a forum somewhere like here to begin to realise the extent of emotional abuse many have endured.

It often starts with a small reflection on something that just feels wrong. Every post that's ' parental blame ' starts with something small. And then, if willing, the child, now adult will start looking further and start realising what they've endured. This is vital in understanding current relationship patterns and in establishing boundaries with parents who are still alive and will still be the same people capable of the same behaviour.

It's very important to inform and explore it if you are still in any relationship or contact with parents and family who are highly coercive, manipulative and excellent public performers.

So - yes. The threads you talk of are probably the start of a very important unraveling.

Never have I seen one petty post question and explore their parental experience. Not one ever.

So no, it's not time to stop. It is time to continue speaking out.

Absolutely. And it is very uncomfortable for the generations who engaged in this abuse and tried to justify it to themselves because it was so common to see their children parenting their grandchildren differently and challenging these behaviours (which often continue even when their children are adults, so it can come as quite a shock to them when their children refuse to accept it anymore once they have children of their own whom they need to protect from exposure to it).

So often rather than discussing it and acknowledging it, apologising, changing their behaviour, instead they try to blame their child for what they did; or respond with self-righteousness and try to gaslight their child by denying it all and trying to rewrite history (one of one of mine’s favourite phrases was “recollections may vary”, apparently oblivious to the fact that is was only their “recollection” which apparently varied from everyone else’s, as though this meant that objective reality didn’t exist); or paint themselves as the victim; or pretend their child is a “snowflake” and making a fuss about nothing when they try to address the issue so that it can be addressed openly and there is any chance of establishing a functional relationship moving forward, etc. Then such people seem surprised that their relationships with their family are minimal.

Of course we all make mistakes. Everyone’s fallible and will get things wrong. But there are some people who behaved truly appallingly to their children in a manner that isn’t comparable to the vast majority of parenting currently, behaviour which would very rarely be able to take place now without there being external intervention from social services. It is horrific that people who did such things don’t even have the decency to apologise and acknowledge how damaging it was.