AIBU to step back from my husband’s hobby event after all this?

[CitrusWhite]

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair. I’ve kept quiet, avoided taking over and being the default organiser like I did with our wedding, kids’ christenings, birthdays etc. and told myself that if he wants the title and the praise, he can do the legwork!

Still, I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

One of the decorations is a balloon arrangement we need to make 15 of. We needed to test one last night or tonight so I can make the rest the day before the event. Yesterday I’d done a 13-hour day and had a long drive to and from the office. He invited a friend round to discuss event plans without asking me, even though I needed to be part of it. I sucked it up and got on with it, even though I was exhausted.

Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement so I know what I’m doing when I make the bulk of them. He couldn’t find a suitable pump, kicked off, and said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been. His argument being that he has had a busy day and looking for a lump is physical whereas last night I just had to talk - as though his physical exhaustion is worse than my mental exhaustion.

All I actually said was that we should’ve done the balloons last night, and that I’ve already put in a lot of effort and money for his hobby event, not mine and we need to do this test run as we wont get anither chance then it will be done last minute and we will bith be stressed. He insists he’s had a long day and it’s apparently fine for me to sit with a glass of wine while he looks for a pump, but he’s completely dismissing the work I’ve put in sourcing favours, raffle prizes and decorations of which I am sorting during wfh days around housework and school pick ups too (his job is FT office).

Right now I’m thinking: leave him to it. Let him run his event however he likes and remove myself from it entirely. In my head that’s the sensible option, but deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend - the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

AIBU?

Does anyone really care about balloon arches? You're making work for yourself that there is no need for. Cut the dramatics and let your dh do his role.

TBH I would see one and think "what a waste of money and I hope my donation hasn't gone towards paying for one"

I attend and help at a lot of fund raising events and we don't waste money on fripperies like that. At afteroon teas, lunches and dinners there might be small flower arrangements and candles on the table, but that is as far as we go. (This is in response to the Rotary comment upthread).

Why are you so invested in this, OP, and why on earth are you spending your own money on a fundraiser?

The whole point of a fundraiser is, to, y'know, make money, not lose it. If the club can't self-fund these things and actually turn a profit then the problem is people thinking you need sodding balloon arches and fancy events.

You both sound weird. Who spends £1500 of their own money? Cheaper to make a donation and claim gift aid 😂😂😂😂

Is this a freemasons thing? The whole "getting a position is an opportunity to pay" and dumping work on the wives of members sounds suspiciously similar.

If so, I think it's hard for people outside of that world to understand the pressure members are under to meet the totally unreasonable demands.

Absolutely step back. This sounds like a mad amount of money and effort to have spent.

Goog grief, @CitrusWhite , why are you involved at all?

I think this sentence says it all: I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

You've elected to become involved in something that has little to do with you. You have 'organised' for specific things to happen and now you expect your DH to step up and play the parts that your organising tendencies have set out for him.

This seems like a situation in which you have voluntarily taken on unnecessary 'mental load' which now makes you feel resentful and exhausted.

If my DH was organising such an event, I wouldn't remotely be involved in any of the planning. Perhaps he might ask me to blow up balloons or whatever, but this is so different from your situation. It sounds like YOU have decided that there must be a 'balloon arrangement' at HIS event and now you are upset that he is not following your schedule for the balloon planning: Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement. Sheesh.

And the money! Good grief. I might bake a few scones if I was organising a fundraiser. I wouldn't stump up £1500!!!!

Leave him to it.

I work in charity fundraising and am a chair of trustees. You should claim the cost back. Good practice is to have everything costed, and in this case a monetary donation with Gift Aid would be more valuable than a donation in kind. E.g. if you donate £1200 it would add on another £300 in Gift Aid.

That's providing the charity is registered for Gift Aid...

But also, he clearly went above the usual budget which should have been agreed in advance with the treasurer. So get your £1000 from your DH and let him decide what to do with the rest.

Show up on the night, don't help with the prep.

Claim from where?

This is all rather batshit. If I had any hobby that expected me to fork out 1.5k for a fundraising event, I’d leave it. It’s all way too much effort surely. The fact it’s his hobby and he’s expecting you to do everything is insane too. Just tell him where to go, it’s all pretty idiotic.

If there is nothing in the charity's bank account, then claim it from what the event raises. There is a treasurer, and a bank account, right?...
What is the charity's reserve policy amount?

If you don't understand charity finances and he doesn't understand charity finances then you need a sit down with the treasurer.

Disappointingly, he has not had the extra support he expected he would have had over his predecessors so numbers are as low as ever

Then he should reflect on how awful he is.

No man on earth would have me funding him, doing labour for him, being chastised and called names by him.
Don't give his little hobby one moment of thought. Hobbies are for the individual, no one else's problem. And people who choose to behave badly means no one likes them.

This all sounds crazy. Its nice you are doing a charity event . But paying for everything seems very odd. Why don't all the members chip in?
And yes all the wives may support the husbands but personally I would resent the way he has spoken to you and wonder how much strain it is putting on your marriage. Is this all worth it ?

You offset expenses from takings that is just how it works isn’t it. When I did PTA and a year 6 event yes we spent money out of our own pocket but receipts were kept and the money claimed back and very detailed records were kept

charity rules are strict there has to be a treasurer

Is this a charity or just a hobby group? It seems that nobody has a bloody clue how it works. Firstly the committee should agree a budget and it should be adhered to. Secondly, the ticket cost of the event should cover the costs that have been spent (from which you recoup your agreed outlay) and hopefully have some left over for your chosen charity. In addition anything raised on the night should go to the chosen charity.

You can’t just decide to throw a Kardashian style party just to make yourselves look good, and then complain about the cost.

The organiser certainly shouldn't have to pay to arrange the event. As others said there must be a treasurer surely you can speak to, to recoup costs? I go to a small local martial arts club and even we have a treasurer!

I'd missed this sentence when I first read the OP:

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

It really does sound as if you have one of those planning, organising mindsets, and that that has prevented you from just letting somebody else's event happen without the benefit of your oversight.

Of course, when it comes to family things like christenings, etc, it is INFURIATING when male partners expect women to take on the mental load. But for something like this, I'm thinking that it is not your DH's indolence and haplessness that has dumped a mental load on you. It is your own restless, anxious need to have control over a situation that has nothing to do with you, but which you have decided is a source of negative or positive judgement of you by the people who attend

said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been

the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

But you have already had 'fall out' - his nasty tirade and horrible, despicable bullying behaviour. Do you mean that if you don't make this event a success for him you will suffer even worse 'fall out'?
If so, he is an abusive cunt. You need to re-consider your marriage.

deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend [...]

Why are you concerned about him being embarrassed? Is it because you know he will take it out on you?

I also don’t want to [...] have people assume I played a part in that.

You are far too concerned about other people's opinions. Why care if people judge you?

I get the feeling this isn't a charity, it's just a hobby group with no formal constitution etc in place.

It'll just a bunch of mates who (for instance) go cycling of a weekend and have a fund raiser each year to raise a bit of cash to go on a jolly for a week.

Same which means the fundraiser must be under £5000 otherwise it has to be a charity

Pop his pissing balloons and don’t allow him to spend another penny of family money.

i agree.

And i can see why he’s got the expectation that you were going to help - you volunteered/ interfered! You have definitely created this situation in part yourself.

You're right, I misunderstood - it's a hobby group doing independent fundraising for a separate charity, so they can't claim expenses from the charity.

Still - the cost of the event should still be subtracted from what they donate to the charity. 100% of profits should go to charity, not 100% of proceeds. Whose bank account is linked to the ticketing?

I do have some sympathy with the OP - unless you are well connected, can pull in favours, and have a good attendance with a decent ticket price and a good auction/raffle, it's hard to raise a lot of money with an event.
I've attended some events that fundraise for my charity, and it's hard to look happy about £100-500 that barely covered our charity's time/cost, let alone make meaningful change for our beneficiaries. They say it's all about building long term relationships, but...

You do need to get your money back. From what people have said on here there is no way they would have used their money for any event like that. Fripperies such as balloons are not needed. Your husband needs to learn from this and he needs to learn quickly as he doesn't seem to have any skill in getting things for free and giving local places a free advert. You could give him a few days to return the money and let it be known it will be a police matter if you do not get your money back. Please let us all know that you will never do the same again, It does not sound like he appreciates the fact you have helped him. I urge you not to get involved in the fund raising ever again. The organisation needs to repay you. Tell them you need the money back urgently. To be truthful I don't know why you used your money. I certainly wouldn't. In future your DH needs to say No in a loud voice and let someone far better at fundraising take over.