AIBU to step back from my husband’s hobby event after all this?

[CitrusWhite]

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair. I’ve kept quiet, avoided taking over and being the default organiser like I did with our wedding, kids’ christenings, birthdays etc. and told myself that if he wants the title and the praise, he can do the legwork!

Still, I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

One of the decorations is a balloon arrangement we need to make 15 of. We needed to test one last night or tonight so I can make the rest the day before the event. Yesterday I’d done a 13-hour day and had a long drive to and from the office. He invited a friend round to discuss event plans without asking me, even though I needed to be part of it. I sucked it up and got on with it, even though I was exhausted.

Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement so I know what I’m doing when I make the bulk of them. He couldn’t find a suitable pump, kicked off, and said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been. His argument being that he has had a busy day and looking for a lump is physical whereas last night I just had to talk - as though his physical exhaustion is worse than my mental exhaustion.

All I actually said was that we should’ve done the balloons last night, and that I’ve already put in a lot of effort and money for his hobby event, not mine and we need to do this test run as we wont get anither chance then it will be done last minute and we will bith be stressed. He insists he’s had a long day and it’s apparently fine for me to sit with a glass of wine while he looks for a pump, but he’s completely dismissing the work I’ve put in sourcing favours, raffle prizes and decorations of which I am sorting during wfh days around housework and school pick ups too (his job is FT office).

Right now I’m thinking: leave him to it. Let him run his event however he likes and remove myself from it entirely. In my head that’s the sensible option, but deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend - the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

AIBU?

If you need more attendees contact local newspapers and online papers to ask if they’ll write an article advertising the charity event. Even a quick one online might help.

You have doormat syndrome. Many women who write to mumsnet have it. There's no point in offering you advice, as you will continue to be a doormat.

This makes absolutely no sense, the £1500 you’ve “spent” could have gone to the charity your supposedly fundraising for. You’re both as bad as each other him for planning it and you for going along with it. The phrase “more money than sense” springs to mind.

Yabu, you say say you’ve avoided taking over, but you’ve obviously massively helped. It’s his hobby event and you’ve paid, wtf?! Just why? Step back. Let him crack on and do Temu centrepieces, sounds like they’re going to be few people to see anyway,

Who cares if he fucks it up apart from you?!

Seriously, let him get on with it and stop his access to your joint account if he's going to blow it on tacky centrepieces.

Tell him you want your money back and tell him you wont be participating or pumping anymore money into his ego trip. And you want your money back.
In short: tell him to shove it up his arse 😆

Utter madness. Fundraising events shouldn’t make the organiser fork out circa £2k of expenses and not be able to recoup it.

You are absolutely insane (a) spending £1500 of your own money on this and (b) banging on about balloons. Let your useless h deal with the will thing yourself while you rest.

What were you THINKING??

He doesn't sound great, but TBH you sound like a bit of a martyr. Let him do it himself.

You lost me when you said it was his thing for his ego and so he can sort it out… then you sorted it all for him? And you’ve funded it.

You should’ve donated the £1.5k to the club and left it at that.

This thread has blown my mind. How on earth did this happen? £1500 is so much money, like a months wage money and it wasn't even a gift aided donation to the Charity! 😑

Your first mistake was getting involved at all.
why would you do the balloons?
As for paying for it.. are you a complete mug ?

you are a saint. my husabnd doesnt help with very much even if its not a hobby/ego thing but soemthing really important. it was always all on me and I had a terribel breakdown. im only sorry I didnt insist sooner. please look after yourself and dont take responsibility for him

Sanctimonious twat. (Your H, not you.)

God no way would I be going!!!!

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.*

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair.

Being chairman involves forking out £1,500 a year? No wonder they were happy to let your DH to have the role. That isn't an ego boost, it's a mug's game. Run far, far away from this club.

The whole thing sounds ridiculous. Yes I would walk away from it.

And i would be more concerned that club members will think he is cooking the books to have spent so much money. Make sure you keep all receipts and evidence of payment.

So you've given £1500 to charity? I'd call it a day there

I’ve said YABU because he’s being a dick and you should leave him to it, quite frankly. Who cares if he’s embarrassed? That’s on him.

Everyone’s going to be critical because it’s an easy thing to do online…. But… the money’s spent now so you and DH need to both put your all into it to pull it off. Then reflect on all of this afterwards when some time has passed. You’re completely within your rights to feel unappreciated but have that conversation after the event. Just focus on getting as many people there as possible! Good luck!

Do you have A contact at the charity? Are they promoting the event too? Do they have social media where they can promote it? Are they aware that you’ve spent so much personal money?

your DH is obviously completely out of his comfort zone and burying his head in the sand. You are taking over and he’s taking the easy way out by letting you. He’s behaved like a shit. It’s time you told him.

I voted YABU because you've already helped much more than you should have. Asking if you have reflected on your behaviour is the kind of thing that would ruin a relationship for me. It's beyond condescending.

YANBU at all but do you realise he’s setting you up to take the blame for anything that goes wrong? He sounds like a pompous twat to me.

I think you should leave him to it but that means actually leaving him to sort out whatever decorations he wants, regardless of the cost and regardless of any embarrassment you feel over it.

He sounds ghastly. Verbally abusive and completely focused on appearances. The event is the least of it.