AIBU to step back from my husband’s hobby event after all this?

[CitrusWhite]

DH recently became chairman of his hobby group, which means he now has to organise the annual fundraising event. So far it has put us nearly £1,500 out of pocket. I gave him money from my annual bonus for a room deposit of £500 and allowed him to use family money, so about £1,000 has come from me personally.

This is his hobby and, frankly, his ego boost as chair. I’ve kept quiet, avoided taking over and being the default organiser like I did with our wedding, kids’ christenings, birthdays etc. and told myself that if he wants the title and the praise, he can do the legwork!

Still, I’ve sourced and paid for a few bits to make it look good because he’d happily settle for the cheapest, most basic options.

One of the decorations is a balloon arrangement we need to make 15 of. We needed to test one last night or tonight so I can make the rest the day before the event. Yesterday I’d done a 13-hour day and had a long drive to and from the office. He invited a friend round to discuss event plans without asking me, even though I needed to be part of it. I sucked it up and got on with it, even though I was exhausted.

Tonight I told him he needed to do a test balloon arrangement so I know what I’m doing when I make the bulk of them. He couldn’t find a suitable pump, kicked off, and said I was being BU and “lazy”. He gave a nasty tirade about how awful I was being and then texted me 10 minutes later asking if I’d “reflected on how awful” I’d been. His argument being that he has had a busy day and looking for a lump is physical whereas last night I just had to talk - as though his physical exhaustion is worse than my mental exhaustion.

All I actually said was that we should’ve done the balloons last night, and that I’ve already put in a lot of effort and money for his hobby event, not mine and we need to do this test run as we wont get anither chance then it will be done last minute and we will bith be stressed. He insists he’s had a long day and it’s apparently fine for me to sit with a glass of wine while he looks for a pump, but he’s completely dismissing the work I’ve put in sourcing favours, raffle prizes and decorations of which I am sorting during wfh days around housework and school pick ups too (his job is FT office).

Right now I’m thinking: leave him to it. Let him run his event however he likes and remove myself from it entirely. In my head that’s the sensible option, but deep down I know it would be a huge blow to him and it would be embarrassing for him if I didn’t attend - the point I am making maybe not worth the fall out.

I also don’t want to show up to an event full of tacky Temu centrepieces and have people assume I played a part in that.

AIBU?

Honestly, leave it totally up to him and his ego to stand or fall according to his own actions and efforts. It's up to him. Don't prop up something shoddily built. Tell him you'll attend, but the rest is on him.

Right?! He shouldn’t have to use a single penny of his own money. Leave him to it OP!

I said YABU because what are you doing??? A grand and a half of your own money on making a party for his hobby group look prettier?! If you've got that kind of money to throw away then just donate it to the golf club directly (or to a more deserving cause). If you don't have that money to spare then what on earth were you thinking.
And now on top of that you're dicking around with balloon arches, instead of just picking a nice frock, finding the bar and smiling a smile that doesn't quite meet your eyes at all his little chums.
His hobby, his title, his event, his balloon arches, his fragile ego, his responsibility.
Drop the rope!!!

Massive step back time. It’s never too late to become someone who doesn’t set themselves on fire to keep someone who doesn’t respect them at all warm.

‘I was very unhappy about how you spoke to me. You don’t seem to realise at all that it’s not my hobby and I’m not just an extension of you. Work it all out yourself, you’ve taken me far too much for granted, I won’t lift a finger for this hobby ever again unless you’ve convinced me you love and respect me, looked after me when I’m stressed and tired instead of yelling at me to do more that’s just for you, and put a fair value on my contributions. I don’t see anyone else lining up to organise your event and get yelled at for it.

Jesus. I would not spend £15 let alone £1500 of family money on this nonsense.

Nor a minute of my time.

I can't believe you've paid out of your own money, let alone £1500! Are you nuts??

Whatever the hobby is, its not the 60s at a cricket club. Just leave him to do it, don't do anything and stop spending money on his ego trip.

Utterly bonkers

You can't just opt completely out now this year.
Smile and be encouraging. That is your main job.

DH needs to see his event through and you need to assist where you promised. Hope it is successful.

Don't spend on any more splurges.
The fewer ballooons, the better.
Suggest DH asks for free balloons etc. for the charity in exchange for free advertising/exposure.

Don't put any of your money in again - except a donation to the charity..

I became involved in several big glitzy fundraising events when I was working in the USA. The people I rented from were keen fundraisers and they really do things in style there. I was asked to do a "motivational" speech based on having overcome a poor background. I had not taken any glitzy dresses with me so I hired one. A couple of weeks after the evening a cheque for $1000 arrived and all my expenses were paid. I was asked to do one in another city and a limousine was laid on for me. It was a real eyeopener into how these things are done over there.

You can't just opt completely out now this year.
Yes she can and I would!!

he sounds absolutely horrible.

I voted YABU because you should of just stayed out of it completely in the first place

Your DH is crazy because sponsorship should be done by local businesses and local people who run a business and are members. Get those people to cover the costs ,the people get a fee advert and thanked. I hope you get your money back. I would not use my money for any organisation. I don't think much of him spending well over a grand. Do not use any more of your personal money in the future. The club needs to refund you .Your husband isn't a good organiser if he has not got sponsorship sorted. Let him learn from that but you need your money back.

Absolutely this. You say you were letting him sort it - and then you write about balloon arches and all the extra things you are doing!

Kindly - OP you seem so emedded in this, you can’t see that your words/thoughts don’t match your actions. You are heavily involved in this. And you don’t need to be. And shouldn’t be.

Drop the rope. Use this as a lesson to yourself to let your husband handle this, and for you to resist getting involved, for WHATEVER reason. As I bet if you think you aren’t involved in this, your ‘not involved’ in alot of other areas in life is also very involved.

I would be totally out and also expecting an apology after him speaking to you like that. You're lazy after going out of your way for him! Apparently you are his slave (that gets to pay for the honour!). He can fuck right off, I wouldn't want to discuss the event ever again let alone attend the bloody thing. There are consequences to treating people like shit.

I interpreted this as the OP having some sort of balloon decoration business, even though she doesn’t say so explicitly.
She talks about trying out the balloon display, and is really keen it doesn’t look shit and that people may think that’s her work.
I can’t find another logical explanation as to why she doesn’t want the balloons to look crap, unless she is connected to them in some way🤷‍♀️

YABU! You've over committed yourself and money to something that is

1. Not your hobby
2. Not something you should sensibly be paying out of pocket for
3. As an ego boost for a man that doesn't respect or appreciate your efforts
4. All because you also care far too much about people's perceptions.

Drop it now and let 'Mr I am Master of All Events' run his show. He will soon realise he's not that great and he doesn't get rewarded for speaking to you in the manner he did.

This is nonsense. The funding is insane I'd tell him to jog on based on that alone.

I would of course help my husband if he needed it but he wouldn't act like a twat about it and would be incredibly grateful.

If he thinks you are lazy then be lazy and get your money back.

I thought golf club but I don't think they'd be as daft as OP's DH.

I think what happened is when we first discussed it, he wanted it to be better than other people's events, naturally I think there will be a desire by every chair to have their event be the one people are talking about as the best they ever went to. We have attended a few over the years and you can see the wife has supported the husband, its very much expected that wives attend and you can tell it has been a team effort.

Because he wanted it to be the best, I supported with the room deposit and interpreted being the best as the things people will remember - a stunning room that people want to capture in photographs, great prizes and useful favours that wont just be chucked in a drawer. Maybe my ego came into play too because historically its clear that wives have been involved.

This is not our usual world, but when we are there I play along as the dutiful wife so as not to embarass him, its not a big deal to do this for a few hours usually. When we were doing some prep a few days ago, it was lovely and he had said "we are in it together" and of course in those moments it was exactly how I hoped we would support each other, as a team.

I think he is miffed that I had tried to arrange something special via my job at low cost but due to red tape its not been possible, I think he thinks I didnt try but there are procedures and I cannot side step the usual processes and costs (think along the lines of a travel agent being able to get a free holiday donated from a supplier but the employer not really being part of it therefore a grey area on if its even allowed and ramifications).

Right now I will be doing nothing further to help prep. He was supposed to send me some essential information I am supposed to know on the night and he hasn't, so duck that if he thinks I am stressing out to remember it all on the day. I guess I am a get ahead person where he is a 'it'll be alright person'. Maybe this is where he realises its only ever been alright because I made it that way. I guarantee he will be stressed on the day running around to get stuff done that could have been done already I.e. venue said they could do some stuff but he wont get it to them in time!

Absolutely. Step back. Try to get money back even though he will claim it's from mutual 'pot'.

Step back.

don’t get involved.

at the event if necessary make clear it was all your dh. Or be ill. Your choice.

I am a Rotary member and know members from other Rotary clubs and this is not normal for Rotary at all. It isn't a hobby either. We spend our time fund raising for various charities (and have fun doing it as well).

I would like to know what the mysterious hobby is. I don't understand why it is a thing on mumsnet not to mention husbands'/partners' hobbies.

Go to the treasurer and explain that you have spent £1.5 of your bonus and family money on this event and would like to see some of these expenses covered from the proceeds.

But... you're the one who pushed him to spend more on the event, so I think you have to take some responsibility for the budget and time and effort created unnecessarily. Do fundraisers really need loads of balloons? Why?

Do fundraisers really need loads of balloons?

No they don't. They aren't children.