Hanging out the back of it - comment by my colleague

[Candykel]

Urghh the joys of socialising with work colleagues when staying away. We are all managers and have a quarterly meeting which is at our head office site a few hours away. So we always travel the day before and stay overnight. We have dinner at the hotel and usually some drinks after.

There is usually 3 female managers and 5 males. One of us is on mat leave with their cover a man so this week saw 2 women and 6 men.

The mat cover is a bit of a cocky sod and was getting louder with every drink. He asked another manager about a woman who used to be on his team, and there was always some guesswork if they were close out of work. The manager has always denied it and I have no reason not to believe him (nor do I really care!)

Anyway to get to the point. Conversation went like this:

Mat cover - I’ve always thought you went there with her. Did you smash it?
Manager - laughs. No.
Mat cover - that’s a stupid question. You definitely smashed it. You could have gone round there any night and found (managers surname) hanging out the back of it.

I made my excuses and went to bed at this point. My female colleague present did the same, being equally disgusted.

AIBU to make my excuses next time I have to stay away with these colleagues? And have dinner/drinks without them

TBH? you need to challenge it in the moment.

You should have called him out there and then.

That is a particularly vile expression.

I know it’s hard to do it in the moment - but men like this need calling out on their behaviour every single time. Make it not ok for them to speak like this.
you absolutely shouldn’t have to. But if it goes unchallenged it’s assumed as acceptable.

Gross! I would’ve walked away too, it’s hard to challenge and these kind of men don’t change. It’s not worth the effort trying to challenge them. They’re just repulsive human beings. The fact that he felt he could say it in front of everyone else just shows what a cocky creep he is. I would’ve walked away too and I would report to HR but not sure what your company set up is.

Yup🤔

You and your female colleague should report this - it crossed a line. Report jointly, you will have a stronger case.

Disgusting. Perhaps a joint email to HR?

'Smashing it' and 'Hanging out of the back of it' both mean having sex, right?

This is inappropriate language for work, and that's putting it mildly. For one thing I assume the 'it' refers to a person. Or maybe a vagina?

Anyway ignore the idiots on this thread who are telling you that you should have handled this yourself. These men aren't your uncles or sons or whatever, they're your colleagues. It's not your responsibility to train them in manners and respect, it's HR's.

You can still email manager to express your disgust at the inappropriate, sexism and derogatory conversation, and his failure to shut it down. Men also need to call out other men on this.

We did exit by saying along the lines of ‘on that note…’ with a clear roll of the eyes but he was well oiled and I’m sure didn’t care less.

I would say two complaints independently articulated is stronger, and cannot be ignored.

Why does nobody seem to use words anymore?

YABU to not call them out.

Report this conversation to HR as soon as possible. Disgusting misogynistic behaviour.

Hard disagree. Your son or your husband yes. Your colleague, no.

I think 1982 is looking for him…

I’d have been a bit stronger than “on that note …” but I’d have certainly left so that he couldn’t start a to and fro about it just being “banter between a couple of blokes” or whatever.

It was certainly not between a couple of blokes even though they were the only ones talking because you and your colleague were present and part of the group.

I’m one of those managers who has to stay away, mostly solo, but occasionally with colleagues, that type of ‘chat’ or ‘banter’ isn’t appropriate with work colleagues. He needs to be reminded of how to behave.

Rubbish.

The colleague clearly felt it was fine to be disgusting.

He should've been called out on it there and then.

OP, you say you're a manager. How would you have dealt with it, if it had come from someone you manage?

Obviously YANBU but could somebody please explain the origins of that phrase to me.

It's not rubbish. You can say something if you want but not everyone has that level of chutzpah and it's not fair to call a woman out when she doesn't challenge a drunk man who has clearly displayed misogynistic behaviour.

You're just wrong to insist she should have done that. Maybe you would. And that's fine.

i hope the male manager he was directing the comments towards also reports as inappropriate behaviour.

I would report it to HR.

No. That amounts to "boys will be boys, we'll leave you to it"

You need to say something at the time "it is inappropriate to talk to and about colleagues like that."

But since that time has passed you must go to HR about it.

Easy to say ‘challenge it’ when you’re not the one away from home, in a professional capacity, with a group who are drinking. It would very likely escalate and become unpleasant and why should people have to deal with that?

I would report the inappropriate behaviour.

Don't assume i have never done this. I have.

I used to do it in the army too. I don't put up with this crap in the office, or on biz trips.