Hanging out the back of it - comment by my colleague

[Candykel]

Urghh the joys of socialising with work colleagues when staying away. We are all managers and have a quarterly meeting which is at our head office site a few hours away. So we always travel the day before and stay overnight. We have dinner at the hotel and usually some drinks after.

There is usually 3 female managers and 5 males. One of us is on mat leave with their cover a man so this week saw 2 women and 6 men.

The mat cover is a bit of a cocky sod and was getting louder with every drink. He asked another manager about a woman who used to be on his team, and there was always some guesswork if they were close out of work. The manager has always denied it and I have no reason not to believe him (nor do I really care!)

Anyway to get to the point. Conversation went like this:

Mat cover - I’ve always thought you went there with her. Did you smash it?
Manager - laughs. No.
Mat cover - that’s a stupid question. You definitely smashed it. You could have gone round there any night and found (managers surname) hanging out the back of it.

I made my excuses and went to bed at this point. My female colleague present did the same, being equally disgusted.

AIBU to make my excuses next time I have to stay away with these colleagues? And have dinner/drinks without them

I would probably have made a joke about some prior decade wanting him back. Light hearted but a clear call out. Then I would report him to HR. He's only a mat cover, they can get rid of him.

As if the drift of his conversation wasn't bad enough, he called the women 'it'?!

This warrants a complaint to HR.

That’s so crass. I’d have gazed at them open mouthed until they felt compelled to apologise

That speech is almost a word for word copy of the comments that the odious Richard Keys was fired from Sky Sports for?

Keys asked Jamie Redknapp about his girlfriend..."if you were anywhere near it, you definitely smashed it. You could have gone round there any night and found Redknapp hanging out the back of it"

Is your colleague Richard Keys?

I feel like I must live in a cave as I’ve no idea what he said means?!

I’ve had to Google who that is. My colleague is a football fan, so I’d not put it past him basing it on that if it’s somewhat notorious.

I mean...think about it for 2 minutes.

This is a job for HR.

Report to HR. We’ll never stop this if we don’t take action, be brave.

Hang on- why are people having a go at the OP for her reaction?

She isn’t the one at fault here.

You sent a message that you weren’t comfortable with it by leaving. But report it.

I agree with the joint approach to HR.

I’ve worked with and managed men for decades. I would have said the only “hanging out” that is going to be happening, is you, out of your arse, tomorrow. You’ve had far too much to drink and you are embarrassing yourself and everyone at this table. Get to bed. Now.
Should you have to? No. Do you have to? Yes. These pathetic gob shites don’t know what to do when challenged. It’s the only thing that stops it.

It's not about calling it out to the pillock, (well, maybe a bit), but more to signal it to the other male managers.

How did they react?

Did they stay drinking with him?
Did they speak to you afterwards?
Those are the important things

Haul them into HR asap. Totally not acceptable .. men like that make me sick

bystander effect. Maybe you didn't do it in the moment but you can report it now and stop this behaviour carrying on..simply saying nothing is not acceptable at all.

Speaking like this about women should be treated same way as making racist comments are. Totally unacceptable.

Oh I’d be making a complaint to HR, what a bell end.

I only said YABU because you shouldn't have to stay away, you should report it so the behaviour stops.

disgusting man

definitely complain. He’s only on a ftc so HR need it on record he’s not popular

No you do not have to challenge it in the moment- who on earth expects 2 women to take on 6 drunk men being vile? That's how women get killed, or become their next target.

Report to HR- SAFELY. Don't put yourself in a dangerous position by challenging a man with those beliefs- it's not like he's going to change.

I would have said ‘you are absolutely disgusting’ before I left. I personally think going straight to senior management on a first offence like this is not the best way to manage it. After saying something, if it happened again I would then escalate. Like @Brefugee ive done it plenty of times in the Army. Saying nothing makes them think it’s ok when you are around.

It’s unreasonable to solely remove yourself from the situation, and not also make clear to others why.

Subtly dodging is not acceptable when you’re in a management position.

Would HR really do something about this? Drinks in a bar after work?

I'd like to think I'd say something like... Are you 12? Grow tf up.

🤮

Yes completely concur with you
It's so difficult confronting awkward or unjust comments etc in the moment
Though in my humble experiences sometimes, walking away & preparing my thoughts to say something profound 1st, is oftentimes more powerful long term & can more effectively, put a stop to further unpleasant experiences further down the line 💚

Report on email to HR, at least hopefully will make sure he doesn't get taken on permanently. What a creep.