Work night out

[worriedmum8686]

Work in a place with around 60 others so obviously everyone has their own groups they stick too.

I am good friends with a woman and have been for around 5 years however the last year or so she has become very hard work. Snappy with others and when we go on nights out as a group she cries and brings the mood right down. She isn't depressed or anything she really is just loves attention. She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are. Anyway I am close to three other women in the place and we have decided to go on a night out in a few weeks but they don't want other friend to go. Now she does eat with us at lunch but again the conversations are always very negative.

We cannot say that we are going out as last time we did she barked at us where's my invite so we ended up saying oh yes of course you're invited and along she came and cried most of the night. She also is very rude with one of the other women in the group and tells 'funny' stories about her at lunch which aren't funny and are more to embarrass her. Any time anyone confronts her about her behaviour she runs off to management and says she is feeling picked on.

are we really awful to just not mention the night out and hope she doesn't find out or am I being a terrible person

You're going to have to pick a side, there's no middle ground here.

I know which side I'd pick.

You are allowed to make plans with your co workers outside of work. You dont have to invite every single person in the office. I dont enjoy spending time with people who are constantly negative and bitchy about other people, thats not my idea of fun so I would not invite her.

She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are.

This leapt out at me. Why do you assume she is never busy 'like the rest of us'. If she is single, all her life admin and housework will have to be done by her, and she might have responsibilities other than children that you know nothing about - children aren't the only family members who can need care.

It does sound as though your attitude to her is dismissive. She's clearly unhappy. Of course, her happiness isn't your responsibility, it boils down to whether you want to be nice to her or not.

it boils down to whether you want to be nice to her or not

This person is bitching about other colleagues and trying to embarrass them - that doesnt sound very "nice" to me...

You are not coming out of this well. Your 'single/no kids so not busy' attitude is awful as is your assumption that she's not depressed despite the fact that you say she's changed a lot and is always crying. She's better off without you.

I think one of the key points of adulting is learning to be the type of person that other people like to be around, or be happy spending time on your own.

So no, you have no obligation to invite people to your night out who have proved with past behaviour that they’re likely to spoil it.

But as a side note, if you say her emotional outbursts are a recent thing, do you think she’s peri/menopausal? Might be worth a discussion as it could be that a few months on HRT and she’s back to her normal self.

No, I would not invite her, she sounds very unpleasant.

It does sound like something is going on with her though, peri menopause etc

Wow. As a single woman with no children I didn't realise I couldn't be busy. I must remember that dealing with multiple medical appointments for my own health, helping with chronically ill relatives and babysitting for various family members does not make me busy despite how it feels.

But she is never busy. She refuses to mind her nieces and nephews as they mess her house, she doesn't date, parents are in good health, no hobbies. It wasn't a nasty comment I was saying something factual she is always 'free'

She has always been snappy and cutting to people. She in her words 'takes no shit'. I have just found it in the last year or so more unbearable. Everything is an issue, any staff night out planned by others she has always tried to change it to suit her and I would have went along with it to keep the peace now I just cannot be bothered. I have three kids work full time and I am very busy so when I go out I like to have fun I don't like to sit in a corner talking about other people.

I have turned down invites before because she wasn't asked but I have felt like I am isolating myself. She has another friend in the place seperate from me and they go out two three times a year together and I don't bat an eye lid but when I mention about doing it she huffs and the last time actually went to the manager like she was telling on me

So don't be friends with her. You're an adult. One of the perks of adulthood is being able to choose who you associate with.

Are you probably going to upset her? Yes. But she has somewhat brought it on herself now hasn't she?

You lost me at

She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are.

You sound judgy and unpleasant.

She isn't depressed or anything she really is just loves attention. She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are.

Wow.

I understand your "not busy like the rest of us" comment.

There is NO WAY I am as busy now the kids are older, am single (wayhay) than I was when they were younger, I was married and working.

It is just a fact.

OP didn't say she sits on her backside all day - but there is a huge difference between being married, having kids and working full time and ... not

Dont invite her. She sounds a fun sponge and self obsessed. Her fault for being a drain

Sounds like you just don’t like her, so you need to stop pretending you do - that’s two-faced.
Be polite and courteous, but stop behaving as though you are her friend when in fact you are not.

But she isn't ever busy she is always 'free' she never has plans with anyone even though she has other friends outside of work no one ever is available to make plans with her. Which in itself is telling I think.

And she does love attention everyone thinks it about her. We had a workshop in work and the girl taking it was being witty to people answering questions having a bit of banter back and forth she had done it with around 5 other people. Then when this woman answered a question and the girl tried to have some banter she got up and walked out told our manager to never bring her back again as she embarrassed her. Everyone in the room was baffled but again not surprised as behaviour like this is common so to me is attention seeking behaviour

I don't want to be two faced though. I would love to be able to say I am going out with x y and z next week without any repercussions but she will be so annoyed.

Why would you "love" to say that?

Why would you tell her anything? That is just hurtful and even if she is a pain, she doesn't need to know

She’s not your friend. She’s a colleague (who you don’t like very much).
Why do you have to tell her anything?

You need to stop treating her in any way that she thinks you are a friend - don’t seek her out at lunchtime, don’t confide in her about anything, just treat her like any other person you don’t know very well and have no interest in.

I meant in the sense where it didn't need to be secretive that as adults we can all accept different people have different friendships

Being private and not shoving "we are all going out next week" in her face is not being secretive.

That's your own personal circumstances though, not everyone's life is the same.

Well yes obviously I wouldn't be doing that.

bit she went out with another girl from work last month spoke to me about where they were going posted it on insta...my reply ah great have a brilliant time.

For me to go out with people other than her I can't talk about it because she will be mad.

Be careful, if she’s the only person not invited in a ‘team’ (I know you said there’s 60 people but I don’t know if it’s split into small sections) then work can sometimes take a dim view on them being excluded especially if you arranges it during work time. That’s not to say that they should or that legally they have a foot to stand on but I’ve had this in a few work places and it was deemed as bullying - no formal action as like I say I think that would be shaky ground. If you’re all in agreement though surely it’s easy to just not tell her? And not post on social media etc. There’s always one peevish person that wants them to find out and ‘accidentally’ lets it slip though isn’t there? I worked with someone who I really liked and had similar interests as, we became friends and did things outside of work. Someone new came to work with us and she just was very different to us which is fine but we didn’t bond the same way. I didn’t have a problem with still occasionally doing things with my friend at lunch time (coffee shop) without inviting the other as it was an established friendship. But the friend started to make it obvious that she wanted the other woman to know she was excluded and started making comments about what we had done at lunch time whilst we were working in front of the other woman, making it seem like more fun than it actually was etc and it made me so uncomfortable. It was mean and childish and ultimately I left that workplace and ended the friendship because it was a side to her that I didn’t like and the whole scenario became toxic and awkward. Tread carefully.

But my original comment was based on this woman's own circumstances I know that she has a lot of free time and isn't busy as the rest of us in work so I know she will be free to go out the night we planned even if we didn't say anything until the day of to her. I didn't say every single person has no responsibilities