Work night out

[worriedmum8686]

Work in a place with around 60 others so obviously everyone has their own groups they stick too.

I am good friends with a woman and have been for around 5 years however the last year or so she has become very hard work. Snappy with others and when we go on nights out as a group she cries and brings the mood right down. She isn't depressed or anything she really is just loves attention. She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are. Anyway I am close to three other women in the place and we have decided to go on a night out in a few weeks but they don't want other friend to go. Now she does eat with us at lunch but again the conversations are always very negative.

We cannot say that we are going out as last time we did she barked at us where's my invite so we ended up saying oh yes of course you're invited and along she came and cried most of the night. She also is very rude with one of the other women in the group and tells 'funny' stories about her at lunch which aren't funny and are more to embarrass her. Any time anyone confronts her about her behaviour she runs off to management and says she is feeling picked on.

are we really awful to just not mention the night out and hope she doesn't find out or am I being a terrible person

I wasn't replying to your post, I was replying to another poster.

Be careful, if she’s the only person not invited in a ‘team’ (I know you said there’s 60 people but I don’t know if it’s split into small sections) then work can sometimes take a dim view on them being excluded especially if you arranges it during work time

But this woman has also been going out with other colleagues from work and didnt invite the OP so she wouldnt have a leg to stand on here. People are allowed to meet up with work colleagues outside of work

You re allowed do choose who you socialise with
Ignore anyone who says anything different its jut woke nonsense

we aren't all in the same team. We are in different sections but just all get on. I am close to my team but we don't socialise outside of work. So it's not like one department is going and she is the only one not.

see what you have described is exactly it we were close and got on but recently this side has came out that I am finding so unpleasant and it's when
i have got closer to other people and tried to integrate us all as one big group but she has this really bitchy side.

for her birthday one of the girls got her a little card and a bottle of wine and she said to me when the girl walked out 'ha that's strange why would she have done that' and made a face. but would be expected to be invited on a night out with her I just think all these little comments there has been no need for at all and it's made me rethink the friendship

What kind of banter?

Just making silly jokes

Like of the answer to the question was listening she would say sorry what did you say. Like it was that tame and the girl was doing it to lighten the mood of the workshop and had done it with others so she wasn't singled out

If I were you I'd try to distance myself from her - she doesn't seem to fit in the group anyway. Honestly, if I had a rare night out I wouldn't want someone crying or being down on a regular basis. Just go and if she finds out and kicks off then doesn't want to be friends it would be a win from what you say.

She sounds like my ex friend, it takes a while for their true colours to come out. Just go and make sure you’re all in agreement not to mention it if she’s going to be funny or upset or complain. Morally it’s not wrong is it if you’re all in different teams. We’re allowed friendships.

Same. You aren't allowed to be busy if you don't have kids?!

I have explained this comment a few times now. I apologise if it has caused offence 'the rest of us' were the ones in my work not everyone just the ones I am talking about. So in comparassion to us she isn't busy- her evenings are her own no school pick ups or clubs to go to, no homework's. At weekends no clubs to bring kids to, no parties, whole juggling housework and shopping. Anytime you as her what's your plans it's always 'nothing'

Am thinking this is where being ‘good friends’ has been muddled with ‘have known someone a long time’. I think that it sounds as though you aren’t really her friend? You don’t seem to like her or actually ‘care’ for her - and you don’t have to. She is a work colleague that you have made efforts over 5 years to be friendly with. This is one of the reasons many people don’t actually chose to socialise with people from work at the outset, as it’s difficult to extricate yourself when you wake up and realise you don’t really like them and have nothing in common with them. For eg, she is single and doesn’t have kids- that you’ve highlighted this doesn’t mean (as PPs suggest) that you are judging. It just means that your married/mother identity an important part of your life and how you function in the world … but you and she cannot relate over this?

I think as PP above says, you need to chose a side. I think you clearly would like to go out for a drama free night - so don’t invite her. But you could occasionally do something low key - after work drinks for an hour - which you can expressly invite her to so that she does not feel totally excluded.

I’d also suggest that she may actually be clinically depressed after all - negative comments/bitching/hypercriticality etc, crying when out drinking etc all suggest she is very seriously low and/or perimenopausal. If you feel she has changed since you first met - that she didn’t used to be like this - then I would [if I were her friend] sit her down over a coffee and tell her you are worried and has she been to see her GP?

I understand OP - I have a friend who is the same (but nice!). We are both mid-40s, I have a DH, DS and help out with my widowed mum a lot. I am often ‘busy’ unless booked in advance.

My friend is single (and doesn’t date), childfree, doesn’t care for parents, or her niece. Just the way things are 🤷🏼‍♀️

It absolutely not a fact. People with energy, social skills and broad interests and horizons can be just as busy. You chose not to be busy, some people don't. To assume all single, childless women have nothing important in their lives to fill their time is at best stupid and at worst offensive.

L

OP you have dug a hole commenting on single people being less busy. Obviously it is true because they’ve got all the time in the world to dispute it.
Rational people understand what the context of the statement was.

Struggled to care about the rest of your post after you wrote this:

She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are

You’re within your rights to do things with other friends and not invite her. If she doesn’t like it, well that’s her issue.

But making such shitty assumptions about someone in their 40’s purely because they’re single and don’t have kids, honestly isn’t painting you in a great light here

You mean the same as you’ve got all the time in the world to come on here and comment about it?

FWIW I’m not single, but generalising a group of people like that when you know nothing about what is going on in other people’s lives, isn't being ‘rational’, its just being ignorant.

If you want to be bitches at work and make her feel awful, then leave her out. If you want to be kind, then invite her. Just because you have kids does not make you busier or better. I wouldn’t want to go out with the office bullies thanks.

The point of a night out, as you point out, is for fun. There is no place for boo-hooing all night and having a malicious tongue on a fun night out. You have your answer so go grab the fun crew and enjoy your night out 💃

She is in her 40s and single no kids so never really is busy like the rest of us are

Really offensive and dismissive comment.
Single people can also be extremely busy for all kinds of reasons as others have explained upthread.

What you mean is that this one particular women is never busy because she doesn't seem to go out, doesn't have caring responsibilities etc. Don't generalize about single people like that. You've managed to piss off a lot of posters.

If you don't want to invite her to the night out, don't. She doesn't seem to gel with the group. If she's been unpleasant to one of the people in the group then it's likely to happen again and will spoil the evening.

I knew that would get a reaction and not a response lol.

Could she be going through early menopause if there is a change in the last year or so. Frankly if I was friends with someone I would say you noticed she’s not very happy and try to find out why. If she bites your head off then at least you tried.

The thread is getting a bit sidetracked by the admittedly clumsy "she's not even busy, the big spinster" vibe you started out with.

But essentially, this woman is clearly not your friend and you don't like her. However, a night out doesn't have to be all cloak and dagger though I can see how it will create awkwardness.

If it was me, I wouldn't tell her beforehand but I also wouldn't hide it, either. So if she said "did you do anything nice at the weekend" I would say "Jennifer, Rebecca, and I went out for a drink" and when she asks why she wasn't invited I'd take the opportunity to start distancing myself socially. Just a "oh, it wasn't anything big, we just didn't think to say it to anyone else. Maybe next time." And then just don't invite her!

She sounds like a nightmare and frankly, you all sound too old to be dealing with this teenage angst about who gets left out of the group!

'I am good friends with a woman'

Are you though? It sounds like you fucking hate her. The way you talk about your work 'friend' is the way most people talk about that person they can't stand in the office.

It's not being a bitch to not invite someone rude, whiny, and difficult on a night out with friends who also happen to work where you work.

Also, are we really calling other women bitches??