To think most long-term couples aren’t evenly matched in looks and it affects staying power?

[MatchOrMismatch]

Obviously “attractiveness” is subjective and love isn’t just about looks, I get that. But the older I get, the more I notice something: people don’t often marry someone in their “looks category” (whatever that is to them) and when there’s a big gap, especially where one partner knows they “married up” or “married down”, things often get shaky long-term.

I’ve seen it play out in different ways:
-Resentment or insecurity on one side
-Complacency or power imbalance on the other
-Or one person constantly being reminded that “you’re lucky to have them”, which slowly erodes the dynamic

Of course there are exceptions, loads of beautiful people with average-looking partners and vice versa. But AIBU to think when there’s a big mismatch and they both know it… the odds of staying together long-term are lower?

(Not saying it’s right, just something I’ve observed.)

How long have you been married op?

I disagree that most couples are mismatched in looks. The opposite is true, IME.

Did you mean to say long term couples ARE evenly matched?

Because obviously this is true. Anyone with eyes recognises this and the research backs it up.

I think it's fairly unusual for couples to be mismatched in looks. Certainly not at the point they meet.

Most people gravitate towards people who are at similar levels looks wise, who have similar social backgrounds, views, intelligence etc

'Long term' couples in itself say its working i mean it could change but not sure it will over these expert pop psychology threads

On paper, I’d be considered more attractive (and I’m over ten years younger) than DH. People tell him he’s ‘punching’. In reality, there is no imbalance. He is the most wonderful man I’ve ever met, and I thank my lucky stars every day that he’s my husband. And for all the people that say I’ll end up as his carer, he’s actually mine. I am disabled, while he is super fit and healthy, still runs marathons in his 60s, and has the body of a man half his age.

I don't know where you're observing this OP. Do you live in Stepford?
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I think my husband is way better looking than me and when we met I had to pinch myself that he could find me attractive. Been together for 40 years so opposites must attract.

Have you changed your username pattern?

I think that some people age well and some people age badly.

You might have a couple where one is a 7 say, and one a 6, so similar when younger. The 7 might age well to become an 8 or 9 when older, and the 6 not age well to a 5.

That’s not what your thread is about, but aging well is not guaranteed.

Most couples are evenly matched lookswise.

Which is something that incels struggle to come to terms with.

If we're going to rank people's appearance on a scale of 1-10, which is a stupid reductive thing to do and I hate it but for the sake of argument let's do it, I'd say a vast majority of people marry within 1 number of their own and not much more. Most 5's marry 4's, 5's or 6's, most 10's marry 10's or 9's. You'll very very rarely see a 10 with a 2, and if you do it's usually because the 2 has something to balance things out.

Looks don't really come into it. Even if someone isn't that good looking, they start to look better if you find their personality very attractive.

I'm in a long term couple and what if looks change over time? I'm aging very well, my DH isn't. Am I meant to be less attracted or is it meant to end our relationship since we're not evenly matched for looks at this point? On the contrary, our relationship is solid.

That’s really shallow op and shows a lack of understanding of long term relationships and love. I’m considered more attractive than my husband, and yes I can admit that it’s true on appearance but our relationship is much more than looks, it’s a life built together with the kindest man I ever met,

How do you reckon any longterm couple (gorgeous or gruesome as either may be) is failing in the staying power stakes?

Correlation and causation

justification of personal hypothesis

mixing lust and love

Sitting at an outdoor restaurant few weeks ago my newly single friend and I were observing couples our age (60s). By and large the women were much better looking than the men - who all seemed to be bald potatoes! I’d say three decades ago they probably were more or less the same in looks, but the women just take care of themselves better. Make up of course helps.
My friend is still stunning at 61, despite recently having undergone radiotherapy for breast cancer. Her ex was good looking, but has not aged well. But their looks are not why they have split, and I imagine in those cases where there is a disparity in attractiveness from the beginning looks aren’t the reason they eventually separate either. Relationships are much more complex than that.

I think most couples are evenly matched in terms of “social currency” albeit not necessarily looks, but given that millionaires are in short supply, it’s more common for couples to “match” in terms of looks than not.

Love this

Totally agree, it's really rare. And also very much missing out on the whole thing that makes couples endure... which is compatibility on far more many levels.

If they didn't like each others looks they wouldn't have married, what you perceive as good or not so good looks isn't necessarily what other people see. You like skinny some people like chubby, you like cherubic, they like strong features, you just have no idea what other people like. I hear people rave about someone's looks and I may think they are pretty ordinary, each to their own.

Most of our friends have been married for 35/40 years. It's remarkable how similar to each other many couples have become.

I have never noticed this, and most of my peers are in marriages that have lasted over two decades. Obviously some have separated over the years, but the vast majority who married in their late 20s/ 30s are still together. I haven't noticed a looks mismatch in the separated or the still together couples tbh.

I think that a big looks disparity only happens when there's also a financial or power mismatch (i.e one partner is attracted to the other's power/ money - or to be generous the charisma of those things - and the other to looks, both equally superficial...) but I don't know couples like that IRL.

although this is more to the point 😂

This.

It’s also frightening how often I come across couples who look like they could be twins.