To think most long-term couples aren’t evenly matched in looks and it affects staying power?

[MatchOrMismatch]

Obviously “attractiveness” is subjective and love isn’t just about looks, I get that. But the older I get, the more I notice something: people don’t often marry someone in their “looks category” (whatever that is to them) and when there’s a big gap, especially where one partner knows they “married up” or “married down”, things often get shaky long-term.

I’ve seen it play out in different ways:
-Resentment or insecurity on one side
-Complacency or power imbalance on the other
-Or one person constantly being reminded that “you’re lucky to have them”, which slowly erodes the dynamic

Of course there are exceptions, loads of beautiful people with average-looking partners and vice versa. But AIBU to think when there’s a big mismatch and they both know it… the odds of staying together long-term are lower?

(Not saying it’s right, just something I’ve observed.)

My DP were evenly matched in looks. I was not with my ex. I do think that if there are other incompatibilities alongside a a mismatch in the looks dept, that a relationship can sink.
My ex was abusive, but he also let hinself go physically. That, alongside his nastiness, eventually repulsed me.

Assessing people's looks is subjective though. You may think a couple is 'mismatched' looks-wise but the next person may not. I'd have thought people are more likely to be matched in educational level, probably class as well.

I haven’t observed this at all.

I think attractiveness in relationships has been studied and most people marry someone with similar looks

Interesting. I would generally be regarded as more attractive than my husband, looks never bothered me. After 23 years together I found out he was having an affair with a very unattractive woman from work(this is genuinely not vitriol, she is just ugly) and left me for her earlier this year. He has now massively changed his appearance, shaving his hair off and dressing differently and now honestly looks awful. So many friends and family have commented on it. I’m honestly nothing special, but he was never conventionally attractive in the slightest, ironically it was his kindness I was attracted to as I felt safe and loved with him. We had a loving relationship for over 2 decades, built a brilliant family and life together, he had a midlife crisis and ran off with a goblin 😂

people don’t often marry someone in their “looks category

I think that's rubbish!

I saw a video of a psychologist saying this the other day. It wasn’t reduced to looks though, it was about a growing gap within social standing being a leading cause for divorce.

He used the example of a head cheerleader marrying the captain of the football team (American). At the time they meet they have similar social standing. After 10 years she is a doctor and he is unemployed. The gap that is created leads to resentment, difference in opportunity etc.

My friend is an exceptionally good-looking man, and I mean exceptional. He worships the ground his wife walks on. They've been together since the '80s. BTW she's older than him, and not bad looking, but he's more model material. It doesn't matter.

Another friend is beautiful and married to a man that isn't much to look at. He's a few decades older than her, and they're crazy about each other. They've been together twenty years.

In my experience, when you fall in love with someone they become beautiful.

All the Botox and fillers level up the playing field and I don’t mean in a good way!

Most people are average looking anyway.

What a load of horse shit. Together over 30 years. I may have been objectively better looking in our earlier years but he is significantly more handsome as we’ve got older. (In my eyes anyway) Thankfully we both think our life together and family is far more valuable, satisfying and important than how we look.

I think it probably depends more on whether one member of the couple considers themselves more attractive (or unattractive too I suppose, as this could lead to paranoia). I consider dh and I evenly matched - he has occasionally been told that he is ‘punching’, but I don’t see it - I think he’s gorgeous. Attractiveness is subjective.

From what Ive seen, women are generally more attractive in couple pairings. There are exceptions, but generally the woman is more attractive.

This thread is gross.

When I first met DH, I thought his friend, and his then girlfriend were brother and sister! Everybody commented how a like they looked. That did not go down well.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that beauty comes from more than physical appearance. My partner and I are very different in many ways, yet we are very happy and have been together for a long time.

I think the exact opposite. And you’re not in a relationship with a set of looks, anyway. The couples I can think of who seem ‘mismatched’ in looks come with compensating factors which make the longterm attraction completely comprehensible.

People who think like this generally have limited exposure to things in life.

I think that’s fair. It doesn’t sound as if the OP is extrapolating from much data.

I remember reading that long term couples start to look alike because they laugh together and therefore develop the same laughter lines.

I hope that's true.

Most couples I know are matched in looks. Certainly when they meet.

I do know some where women have aged more harshly - normally because they accept the men going to the gym / cycling / football etc while women are doing all the child rearing / housework & generally running themselves ragged.

But I also know some where the man hasn’t looked after himself well at all!

I genuinely can’t think of one couple like this, every couple I know are pretty evenly matched

I have a slightly similar story. A work colleague friend and his girlfriend both really beautiful-looking, been together since university in pretty glamorous high flying jobs, both didn’t want kids. He found out she was seeing someone else - a very short, overweight bald man at least 10 years over her age and not particularly wealthy. My friend was devastated but she left him, went off with this other guy and had 3 kids. They seem really happy. My friend got together with an even more beautiful woman and they live in a kind of show home palace, no kids. They don’t seem all that happy but they are well-matched. My guess is that the first girlfriend got sick of the facade of ‘beauty’ and settled down with someone she just clicked with regardless of his looks. But who knows?

Don't know what you are surrounded with but 1) I don't think your thesis is true and 2) so what? Who is in a long term relationship based on looks? That's a bonkers reason to have chosen the person you are going to spend forever with.

Does anyone actually think like this?

Dp is more attractive than me, I guess. It makes absolutely no difference in our relationship.

My experience of long term relationships is that it's far more important whether your partner pulls their weight with housework and childcare, can be relied on and treats you well, than how they look.

I find couples tend to be of like levels of attractiveness generally. I think the attractiveness can diverge depending on how well the individual looks after themselves (or is able to) as they age. My parents are only 3 years apart but my mum has always been a yoyo dieter which takes its toll on the skin and my dad is a bit selfish and always prioritised his sports and sleep. His looks aged very well and hers much less so.

I would probably say my husband is better looking than me, not vastly so, but I'm 14 years younger so my relative youth tops up the gap.

In couples where one is noticeably more good looking I think it tends to be the woman but generally balanced out by the man being more likely to be a traditional "provider" type with a good job. I don't think it's as simple as men are more fickle about looks and women are more likely to be "golddiggers", but some couples are just more inclined towards a traditional set up.