To think that beyond a certain point you're not really inviting people for a meal...

[JohnPeel]

...you're just getting them prepare your dinner for you?

I got to know someone who I initially liked as he appeared to be very friendly and hospitable. However I gradually realised that his idea of having people round for a meal actually meant co-opting them into doing all the preparation.

Every time I went round I ended up sitting at the table for hours peeling spuds and other vegetables. The house was always an absolute tip - both unpleasantly messy and not very clean. The chap in question would put the meat in the oven and then swan around like Lord Bountiful.

On the second visit I asked whether I should bring anything and was told that a bottle of single malt whisky would be appreciated. Well fuck me, I'm sure it would, given they cost upwards of £40.

In the end I got bored of going round to do his food prep for him and phased the friendship out. I felt that if you're not bothering to make your house presentable, you're not bothering to prepare the food, yet you still expect expensive gifts, you're not really being particularly hospitable - but was IBU? Or is this the modern way?

This has never happened to me however if it did, second time round I would have asked if he was joking! I certainly wouldn't sit there peeling spuds. If he's looking for a cook he can pay for one.

This has never happened to me and if it did I would be meeting them at a restaurant for food the next time if their friendship mattered to me!

Sorry but I’ve never known anyone to do that. My mates do all the cooking and I do it in return. Most they’ve brought is some limes/ a bottle of pop / maybe dessert.

Sorry but I’ve never known anyone to do that. My mates do all the cooking and I do it in return. Most they’ve brought is some limes/ a bottle of pop / maybe dessert.

Id have told him to jog on.

Sorry but I’ve never known anyone to do that. My mates do all the cooking and I do it in return. Most they’ve brought is some limes/ a bottle of pop / maybe dessert.

Id have told him to jog on.

I wouldn't mind helping prep a dinner with a mate who's company I enjoyed although I would be a bit miffed if they weren't doing it and I was. Equally I'd just say something; "Hey, George, I'm peeling spuds and you're swanning around like Lord Bountiful, how about you finish these spuds off and I'll put my feet up for a bit?"

Buying food for dinner is expensive so I also wouldn't mind taking a bottle of something.

I guess if you invite him to yours and he doesn't have to lift a finger or bring anything it probably feels uneven but if I liked their company I'd just make my hosting less generous (in terms of effort and spend) so I didn't feel aggrieved.

Surely the most important thing is whether you like hanging out with them?

Quite. The first time was impromptu, but once I realised it was a pattern and he always roped someone in to do all the boring prep I started to find it quite annoying.

I've had close friendships in the past where we'd often prepare the meal together but that's different somehow.

A boyfriend did this to me once.
As part of my shift pattern one weekend a month I work Thursday - Sunday from 7am - 6pm. So it’s a tiring set of shifts. It’s the one weekend a month I don’t cook as my son goes to his dads. He invited me round for dinner on the Saturday night with him and his kids. I thought that was thoughtful as I would have a meal after work, when I would be tired. I got there and he had to go and pick his daughter up from somewhere so he asked me to “make a start” on the curry. I ended up cooking for everyone.
I could have said, no I’ll go and collect her instead and you cook but I was so exhausted I didn’t feel like I could drive safely if I went back out in the car. So I cooked the curry but always said no to going round there for dinner again as wasn’t an offer to cook for me. Do I want to go round on the one Saturday a month I don’t have my child and don’t have to cook and cook for him and his children - never again.

He would make a big thing about how he loved hosting. Well most people would, without any of the associated effort!

The only person I end up helping in the kitchen is my sister, and that is because I offer. She has a very lazy husband who has CFS and I like to help her out because he won't.

And before I get jumped on the husband does genuinely have CFS, but he is also lazy and uses it as an excuse to get out of doing anything he doesn't want to do. He always miraculously has the means to enjoy doing stuff he wants to do.

I also wouldn't want to eat at someone's dirty house.

was this to a Christmas dinner that they needed help with?

What a bloody nerve.

I really hate arriving for dinner with an appetite and finding it hasn't even been started yet.

I've never encountered this but no one I know could possibly think their meal would be enhanced by my kitchen skills.

We do sometimes have friends round for cooking days - these are friends who love cooking (like DP) and it's their mutual idea to spend an afternoon every so often having a massive cook in someone's kitchen. Fresh pasta, dumplings from scratch, croissants, fiddly cakes - the kind of thing that no one would do by themselves and are best appreciated by a crowd. They all seem to like it. Cooking is not my thing but I make sure everyone's drink is topped up, do the washing up and benefit hugely from the resultant feast.

I have never been asked round to do this. Just a very weird "friend" you have!

No, just an ordinary Sunday meal. Although there was a Burn's Night once when we ate very late, followed by poetry reading which dragged on for about a day and a half. When this was still going at about 11pm and some pretentious twat decided to read Jabberwocky in French I made my excuses and left.

I think that's very different - and sounds quite enjoyable. But doing the mundane stuff like peeling veg definitely isn't my idea of fun.

This has NEVER happened to me. Being invited around for a meal and then me helping peel spuds and the like???

You need to find some new friends @JohnPeel !!!

Gosh, I didn't expect such a (nearly) unanimous response!

YABU to put up with this nonsense! I've never had that happen, and I don't know what universe he's living in that turns "come over for a meal" into "come and be my sous chef and general skivvy."

Tell the lazy sod to raise his game or kick him into touch.

Not really sure what your question is op 😂 it's obviously weird and poor hosting and it sounds like you've already brought a stop to it

My mum said she would help a friend of hers with a party she was putting on.

It eventually resulted in my mum doing all the cooking in her pots and bringing them to the party. Not content with this, she was also asked to serve it.

Her friend swanned around and had the cheek to loudly ask my mum when everyone had eaten and dancing was about to begin if she should take her apron off. Her apron was pristine and had only been worn as a costume of a busy hostess.

No thank you card arrived -this was in the 1980s- and so that was the end of that friendship

I quite enjoy cooking together with friends when visiting them. But if that's not what you thought you were signing up for, then fair enough.

I have ME/CFS but luckily my husband is very happy for me to spend my limited energy on things I enjoy rather than on domestic chores. I guess some people might see that as lazy but then they don't see the full impact of chronic illness on our lives.

I'm not jumping on you, just pointing out that it's very easy to call people with energy impairments lazy when you've never had to live a day in their shoes.

DD also had ME/CFS so I know just how drained it can make you feel, but it took a long time before anyone took his "too tired to do anything useful around the house" seriously in the first place because he has always been lazy.

When my sister goes away for a few days he doesn't even clean the cat litter tray so she comes back to a stinking kitchen.

It would be great to know how old your are OP???