To think that beyond a certain point you're not really inviting people for a meal...

[JohnPeel]

...you're just getting them prepare your dinner for you?

I got to know someone who I initially liked as he appeared to be very friendly and hospitable. However I gradually realised that his idea of having people round for a meal actually meant co-opting them into doing all the preparation.

Every time I went round I ended up sitting at the table for hours peeling spuds and other vegetables. The house was always an absolute tip - both unpleasantly messy and not very clean. The chap in question would put the meat in the oven and then swan around like Lord Bountiful.

On the second visit I asked whether I should bring anything and was told that a bottle of single malt whisky would be appreciated. Well fuck me, I'm sure it would, given they cost upwards of £40.

In the end I got bored of going round to do his food prep for him and phased the friendship out. I felt that if you're not bothering to make your house presentable, you're not bothering to prepare the food, yet you still expect expensive gifts, you're not really being particularly hospitable - but was IBU? Or is this the modern way?

Oh god that’s the worst isn’t it? Sat there hungry and awkward wondering when you’ll be eating. At least give me some snacks while I’m waiting 😂 I went to a gender reveal recently and we waited 2 hours before any food was ready (some people had left already so clearly they also thought it was excessive). And I swear to you it was food that I could have prepared / warmed up in 20 minutes. I think some people aren’t actually capable of catering for a few people which is fine but don’t invite me, trapping me somewhere where I have no access to any other food and then make me wait 2 hours! I also think that people have a weird thing where they expect you to stay for ages in a ‘you owe me.’ kind of way because they’re feeding you. But I’m a really good cook and I spend a lot of money on quality ingredients so it’s not a favour to me that someone is giving me something I could have done better myself 🙈

Never heard of that, especially the whiskey!

Definitely a stone soup scenario 😄

This made me laugh out loud! Thank you, OP. And no, not BU at all, he's a CF and I would feel exactly the same as you.

As everyone else has said, you either host (with perhaps friends bringing a pud or crisps or something if you've been flat out all week but no more than that), or you don't. I bet he's the type to boast about his clever "hack" which involves getting everyone else to do the work. Ugh.

I have never encountered this for a dinner invitation. It wouldn’t bother me though.

Pretty normal if you’ve been invited for the weekend- I’d much rather chat with my friend while we cook together than have her all alone in the kitchen while everyone else is having fun.

It was more the case that half the guests were in the kitchen while the "host" was able to socialise freely.

Yes, I’ve had this. Including a party supposedly thrown to thank me for (a big) something and I ended up doing all the hosting. The worst culprit was probably a widowed male relative who invited people to his holiday home and then absolutely expected them to shop and cook for themselves and him as he’d been kind enough to invite them!

I've never experienced it like that but I think it's normal to take a bottle of wine and chip in with the prep.

One of my favourite things to do on Friday eve is share a bottle of wine with good company while I cook and e.g. if the cheese needs grating I'll pass them the grater.

I'm definitely in charged of the planning and organising though.

BF will always bring wine and dessert and do the washing up, if I'm cooking.

What happened to asking for a bottle of wine, single malt whisky is so cheeky! That's clearly just for him, whereas wine would be for having with the meal together and a lot cheaper.
So yanbu just for that, let alone all the other shenanigans.

Although Lidl do quite a decent whisky

The manky house alone is an immediate no from me, let alone doing the cooking and bringing the cheeky fucker whiskey.
So many no’s.

@JohnPeel Jabberwocky en Francais ! 🤣🤣🤣 Fucks sake

The manky house alone is an immediate no from me, let alone doing the cooking and bringing the cheeky fucker whiskey.
So many no’s.

That’s very odd. If he invites again just say you have a commitment just before and you come for when the food is ready. If pushed say you aren’t interested in helping with preparation.

The most I’ve ever asked a guest to do is lay the table and pour us drinks!

Quite.

And the pretentious fucker who suggested this had already recited about four poems.

That’s not really typical of any dinner party I’ve ever been to tbh.

My sil does this , it annoys the absolute fuck out of me. She hosts and when you ask if you can help she makes you do the shitty jobs, like peel and slice onions and press the garlic. She once asked me to keep going and make a whole jar of garlic , so she could use it for other meals. And if you don’t offer she comes and asks you to do it. I feel too awkward to say no fuck off as she has a vile temper and it’s just going to cause drama.

However when I return host she never ever comes into the kitchen and offers to help, she just sits there in th4 living room, and then comes through when her dinner is ready, she doesn’t even help clear up. Just sits there whilst everyone does it round her,

She sounds like an archetypal CF.

Ooh, I'm gong against the grain here; maybe not "dinner party" as such but with my v close friends I often find myself pitching in, hanging out in the kitchen while they cook, and offering to help out. And yes, setting the table, pouring drinks too
But these are casual suppers with friends, not "dinner parties" I guess. (And their houses are pretty clean!)

Archetypal nightmare 😃

Sounds like an upper class private school twunt who was raised by Nannies and butlers and has never worked out that he’s not so fucking wonderful that his mere presence isn’t the gift he thinks it is. Cock.

I've had this win one guy I knew who was a work friend many years ago. He was totally disorganised so when a group of us turned up for dinner at 7pm (we'd stayed late at work because there was no time to get home and back so we were pretty hungry) BUT the dinner was still in shopping bags and he hadn't started cooking and his flat was in chaos so he begged everyone to pitch in.

By 8pm we were nearly there with the food, when it transpired that he'd invited a different friendship group as well. But they'd gone to an afterwork do somewhere and had just called to say they wouldn't get there until after 9pm.... He then realised that he didn't have enough chairs for all of the people he'd invited so he took a couple of the guys to knock on the doors of random neighbours and borrow chairs.

It was 9.30-10.00 before the other group arrived ... pretty drunk while we were starving. As soon as dinner was over I needed to leave for my 90 minute journey home

Never again 🙄

Id be very tempted to test the threatened drama, and just refuse to mince her bloody garlic for her.
Just slump into an armchair declaring you're really knackered, and how relieved you are that she extended a dinner invitation so you can relax for once.
At least if it all kicks off, you need never go again! (Nor invite her. She sounds awful, so why do it anyway)

My husband had ME/CFS as a teenager. I thought he was lazy at first, but when you have only so much energy, you're going to preserve it doing things that bring you joy. Otherwise life is that little bit more crap.