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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law gifting..AIBU

78 replies

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 09:14

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, and I’m open to hearing other perspectives.

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years, together for 25, and we’re in our mid-40s.

Every year, I write and send cards to his family parents, siblings, and many nieces and nephews. All the children get £20 in their cards for birthdays and Christmas. His parents receive a nice gift, and a couple of his siblings who don’t have children get a restaurant voucher for them and their partners at Christmas.

In return, we get very little. His parents will put £10 in a card for our birthdays and Christmas, and that’s absolutely fine I don’t give to receive. What bothers me is that, apart from the occasional birthday card, we NEVER get a thank-you, or a simple ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Birthday’ message. My husband is one of 9, and some of his siblings have 6 children, so we send out a few hundred pounds each year.

We don’t have children, something we’ve never been able to change and recently we lost our gorgeous little Springer Spaniel. I posted a small tribute on Facebook with a photo, and not a single member of his family offered condolences. His mum sent a brief message saying, “sorry for the loss of the dog,” ‘the dog’ couldn’t even use her name that was it.

Am I being unreasonable to think about just stopping? I hardly see them from one six-month stretch to the next, and honestly, I’m tired of putting in so much effort with nothing coming back.

My DH will just say send it all as normal to stop any issues but i’m honestly thinking of just not bothering any more.

OP posts:
LivingwithHopenowandforever · 19/11/2025 14:01

Hey OP, firstly I am really sorry for the loss of your dog. I couldn’t see his name in your post as I really hate saying ‘the dog’ as he was more than that and some people are really insensitive to that. I have a dog and he is a family member and even my kids say I worry more about him than them! All this money you would have spent on these ungrateful family members I would spend on getting some nice photo frames and get some pictures of your dog around the house. If it is mentioned this year that no one has received any cards etc just blame the cost of living and you have made some cutbacks. It is pretty appalling that no one thought about you and your loss. So don’t give it any more thought!

Original poster
isitme333 · 19/11/2025 14:16

Thank you all so much for your reply’s, it’s seems I’m not being unreasonable at all.

My DH doesn’t expect me as such to send the cards & gifts etc it’s just something that I’ve always done from both of us, he’s equally capable of sorting them out for sure but is very likely to a. Not know where anyone’s birthday is and b. Very easily forget.

I think I’m just going to reduce it to cards from now on, I think maybe I should just do a family gift chocolates etc but that would mean delivering them rather then just sending in the post and that’s even more effort 🤣

Thanks again everyone and I really appreciate your kind words about the loss of my little boy.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 19/11/2025 14:21

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 14:16

Thank you all so much for your reply’s, it’s seems I’m not being unreasonable at all.

My DH doesn’t expect me as such to send the cards & gifts etc it’s just something that I’ve always done from both of us, he’s equally capable of sorting them out for sure but is very likely to a. Not know where anyone’s birthday is and b. Very easily forget.

I think I’m just going to reduce it to cards from now on, I think maybe I should just do a family gift chocolates etc but that would mean delivering them rather then just sending in the post and that’s even more effort 🤣

Thanks again everyone and I really appreciate your kind words about the loss of my little boy.

Don’t do anything at all. This is wifework nonsense. If he wants it to happen, then he can make it happen. If he forgets, then he forgets.

Absolutely nothing to do with you.

Junenights · 19/11/2025 14:27

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 14:16

Thank you all so much for your reply’s, it’s seems I’m not being unreasonable at all.

My DH doesn’t expect me as such to send the cards & gifts etc it’s just something that I’ve always done from both of us, he’s equally capable of sorting them out for sure but is very likely to a. Not know where anyone’s birthday is and b. Very easily forget.

I think I’m just going to reduce it to cards from now on, I think maybe I should just do a family gift chocolates etc but that would mean delivering them rather then just sending in the post and that’s even more effort 🤣

Thanks again everyone and I really appreciate your kind words about the loss of my little boy.

Do nothing, no cards, chocolates nothing. If anyone asks, say, dh is taking over gifts for his side, I've done it for decades now! They need to realise who's been making all the effort up until this point

Abracadabrador · 19/11/2025 14:28

very likely to a. Not know where anyone’s birthday is and b. Very easily forget.

Then oh well. He'll need to figure out a way to remember, if he cares, he will.
I've been married for two decades and have never kept track of anyone's birthday or posted cards or anything.
No one cares.

Jamesblonde2 · 19/11/2025 14:30

Just stop it. They sound an ungrateful bunch.

Winterwonderwhy · 19/11/2025 15:01

More fool you. 18years and you accepted being treated so unfairly? That’s on you. They are so certain that you will do it no matter what that they don’t even care. Does that not make you angry?

coconutpie · 19/11/2025 15:02

I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful doggy. And I’m really sorry that his family are so lacking in kindness to not even offer their condolences. Losing a beloved pet is heartbreaking and you need support. Your MIL’s message was probably worse than the lack of messages from the others as she just said “the dog”. That’s really disrespectful.

My thoughts on the gifts / cards is stop altogether since they are all just selfish and ungrateful. However, you may not feel comfortable with that so instead do the gradual approach. Stop all gifts now. Only send cards. If questioned about, you can say due to the cost of living you’re cutting back this year or you can tell the truth - we are never thanked for the gifts so we’ve decided to stop sending gifts altogether.

Make a note of who sends you a card this year. Then next year, only send cards to those who sent you a card this year. In 2 years, you’ll have stopped sending cards / gifts. Use that money to buy yourself something nice instead.

Cosyblankets · 19/11/2025 15:35

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 14:16

Thank you all so much for your reply’s, it’s seems I’m not being unreasonable at all.

My DH doesn’t expect me as such to send the cards & gifts etc it’s just something that I’ve always done from both of us, he’s equally capable of sorting them out for sure but is very likely to a. Not know where anyone’s birthday is and b. Very easily forget.

I think I’m just going to reduce it to cards from now on, I think maybe I should just do a family gift chocolates etc but that would mean delivering them rather then just sending in the post and that’s even more effort 🤣

Thanks again everyone and I really appreciate your kind words about the loss of my little boy.

Buy him a calendar and write all the birthdays on

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 19/11/2025 15:36

OP, there are many modern technological means that your DH can use to remind himself of people's birthdays/addresses etc. If he chooses not to use them, that's on him.

And I'm also sorry about the loss of your lovely lad. It is so hard to lose them.

Zempy · 19/11/2025 15:40

You can send chocs via Moonpig.

I still think DH should be doing it

PeonyPatch · 20/11/2025 17:59

Sorry for the loss of your doggy ❤️
We have no children, but we do have dogs, so I completely understand. We have a similar situation in our family with some of the inlaws. I just bought a card and box of chocolates. I don’t gift to receive, but relationships ought to be reciprocal to some extent at least. I’d do less for them if I were you, but you could continue with cards or chocolate maybe.

Jumpers4goalposts · 20/11/2025 18:01

Why isn’t your DH sending the stuff it’s his family.

ThatHappyBlueCritic · 20/11/2025 18:13

Losing a pet is losing a family member so don’t let others diminish your pain! I just lost one of my cats and he’s been my work from home companion for 11yrs to say I am devastated is putting it mildly. And this is from someone who has also lost their grandad and older brother within a week of each other this year already! And I also have young children. Sending you virtual hugs

Redwaterr · 20/11/2025 18:53

Just stop, or reduce. It's causing resentment. Sometimes people aren't necessarily stingy or ungrateful they just operate differently. They have a massive family and you're experiencing yourself how burdensome that is to provide gifts and thank you/check ins with every single person/household. Its probably why they've adopted a low commitment attitude to it all because it's too much when the numbers are that high. I suggest you do the same.

August1980 · 20/11/2025 20:15

Sorry for your loss OP. Our black lab really is our first born :) so I know how you feel about your beloved pet.
i think just stop.. just send a birthday/ Christmas card. No need to put money in it.
as for the thanks you’s I am a bit annoyed wort this. I just had a baby and I was so so very grateful for all the gifts and well wishes. As they were coming in, it was quicker and easier for me to snap a picture of her in outfit/toy etc and say thank you! However, relates were not happy they wanted a physical handwritten thank you card! (Ordinarily I would do this but really a new mum, moving house, a sick dog all at the same time!! I was so annoyed to have to send hours writing them! Also didn’t like the idea of a card with a photo of her which I know is the norm. Let’s face it. People look at it and pop it in the bin! I just got regular thank you cards and even that was frowned upon! Oh well….

Vaxtable · 20/11/2025 20:20

I would stop. If your husband wants to do let him crack on

hattie43 · 20/11/2025 20:33

I think you should stop , no big fanfare just not do it . With a family that large they may not notice and even if they did I think you’d be justified in saying that no thankyou = no gift

Nandina · 20/11/2025 20:34

I wouldn't be sending restaurant vouchers to adult siblings if they don't 'do' gifts for you.

Socktree · 20/11/2025 20:40

If you want to give a box of chocolates to the family, but don't want to have to see them to give them the present, tell your DH to order online and tick the 'this item is a gift' box at the checkout

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 20/11/2025 20:48

I think that because of the price of postage stamps. Christmas and Birthday Cards have now become an endangered species.

Just send them all a text or email each with a funny Christmas gif.

Let your husband take care of gifts

They are his family after all.

You have been far too thoughtful and generous over the years.

Let yourself off the hook and relax.

Hope you have a good Christmas and New Year
x

Jom222 · 20/11/2025 20:49

give all the info you've used in the past to cover holiday gifts to H and tell him from now on if he wants them getting gifts and cards etc HE will be the one doing it.

I'm sorry you lost your spaniel Flowers

Oldwmn · 20/11/2025 21:15

isitme333 · 19/11/2025 09:14

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, and I’m open to hearing other perspectives.

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years, together for 25, and we’re in our mid-40s.

Every year, I write and send cards to his family parents, siblings, and many nieces and nephews. All the children get £20 in their cards for birthdays and Christmas. His parents receive a nice gift, and a couple of his siblings who don’t have children get a restaurant voucher for them and their partners at Christmas.

In return, we get very little. His parents will put £10 in a card for our birthdays and Christmas, and that’s absolutely fine I don’t give to receive. What bothers me is that, apart from the occasional birthday card, we NEVER get a thank-you, or a simple ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Birthday’ message. My husband is one of 9, and some of his siblings have 6 children, so we send out a few hundred pounds each year.

We don’t have children, something we’ve never been able to change and recently we lost our gorgeous little Springer Spaniel. I posted a small tribute on Facebook with a photo, and not a single member of his family offered condolences. His mum sent a brief message saying, “sorry for the loss of the dog,” ‘the dog’ couldn’t even use her name that was it.

Am I being unreasonable to think about just stopping? I hardly see them from one six-month stretch to the next, and honestly, I’m tired of putting in so much effort with nothing coming back.

My DH will just say send it all as normal to stop any issues but i’m honestly thinking of just not bothering any more.

I'm the oldest of 8. I get on fine with 6 of them. I have never bought presents for any of my nieces & nephews bar 18ths etc. Not because I don't like them but because we'd all be bankrupt if we did. You've been doing too much for years.

Dumpspirospero · 20/11/2025 21:39

So sorry about the loss of your beloved pet. That’s sad. I’d just make a charity donation and put a message out there that instead of gifts you are donating to an animal charity this year. They really is no comeback on that.

OrangesCinammonIvy · 20/11/2025 21:46

Op unless your a millionaire stop.

How often do you see these people ?

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