In-law gifting..AIBU

[isitme333]

I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable, and I’m open to hearing other perspectives.

I’ve been married to my DH for 18 years, together for 25, and we’re in our mid-40s.

Every year, I write and send cards to his family parents, siblings, and many nieces and nephews. All the children get £20 in their cards for birthdays and Christmas. His parents receive a nice gift, and a couple of his siblings who don’t have children get a restaurant voucher for them and their partners at Christmas.

In return, we get very little. His parents will put £10 in a card for our birthdays and Christmas, and that’s absolutely fine I don’t give to receive. What bothers me is that, apart from the occasional birthday card, we NEVER get a thank-you, or a simple ‘Merry Christmas’ or ‘Happy Birthday’ message. My husband is one of 9, and some of his siblings have 6 children, so we send out a few hundred pounds each year.

We don’t have children, something we’ve never been able to change and recently we lost our gorgeous little Springer Spaniel. I posted a small tribute on Facebook with a photo, and not a single member of his family offered condolences. His mum sent a brief message saying, “sorry for the loss of the dog,” ‘the dog’ couldn’t even use her name that was it.

Am I being unreasonable to think about just stopping? I hardly see them from one six-month stretch to the next, and honestly, I’m tired of putting in so much effort with nothing coming back.

My DH will just say send it all as normal to stop any issues but i’m honestly thinking of just not bothering any more.

Absolutely this @isitme333

Going through a difficult time can really bring things into focus, re who's there for you. sorry for your loss

oh that's an easy one. You stop doing anything for his side of the family, and tell him to do it.

And that is an end to it

ETA. so sorry about your dog. It is so hard to lose them, but many people just don't see it as A Thing.

I am another one who doesn’t understand all this gift buying at Christmas. I buy for my grandchildren only. Everyone is happy with this. It is fewer presents for them to buy. I haven’t bought anything for my husband in years.

I agree with everyone who has said to leave it up to your DH. It definitely shouldn't be your job. You must be spending a fortune if DH is one of nine siblings and some of them have six children and you give them all money. If your DH takes on responsibility for giving money/gifts, you should recommend that only his parents and children under the age of 18 should get something.

They are all taking you and your generosiity for granted as there is absolutely no reciprocation.

Your PILs, who sound quite cold, "the dog" was not thoughtful and has a heavy hint of judgement for me.

Sounds silly, but do other younger family members have any contact details for you?

YANBU at all, but i would suggest to your DH, if he wants to continue, to set up an extended family What's App group so that messages can be exchanged over Christmas. I'm sure thank yous wiuld come in with that channel opened.

There are some members of my family that i was sending birthday and Christmas presents to. I noticed that there was no acknowledgement whatsoever and I don't see them very often so I just stopped.

It's never been mentioned.

I mean what could they say? Why have you not sent me a present?

STBExH and I are divorcing, I'm still not over it and devastated for our wee family, but I will not miss the life admin associated with his family. He doesn't put any value on cards at all, reckons people want another £2 spent on their present, but I now his mum and sister put a lot of value on them so always sent them after not doing it one year and getting sniffy enquiries about cards.

All that can get in the bin now like

You need to stop giving as much op why bother they're clearly ungrateful spend it on yourself ☺️

I would be tempted to send a message put just saying that moving forward you will not be doing Christmas presents and cards and are very happy not to receive any.
If your DH wants to send some, he can.
I stopped and guess what...DH didn't send anything!

Stop sending cards and gifts.

I don’t do cards because it’s just an extra mental burden and it’s a waste of money and paper however when I stopped I let everyone know I would by and the reasons why.

Look, just match their energy.

The money you would have spent on everyone else, save it for your own “fun fund.”

If anyone asks, simply explain you’re treating others as you’ve been treated. Say it with a smile and move on. No drama.

How they respond is their issue- not yours.

Sounds like this is DH's problem.
I've never once got involved in sorting presents or cards for DH's side, that's up to him..

Just stop. I used to remember all my extended family’s birthdays. My DCs never even got a single birthday card from any of them, so I stopped.

Just stop doing it, they sound ungrateful and mean.

@isitme333 another vote to match the energy they send you. If you stopped would your DH magically step up unassisted and do it all? Would the wider family even notice?

time to drop this unappreciated chore.

Sorry about your dog passing. I dog sit for folks on holidays and foster elderly dogs as I don’t have what it takes to take a dog on permanently as the idea of having to make those decisions and face that loss terrifies me. my heart goes out to you. X

Why is your husband not doing the cards/money to his family? Bat that job back to him if he’s so bothered!

Cards are up to you - sending them could be a kind of "halfway house"?

Let's face it, they don't care about the cards really, and that's the bit that takes the most work. Just stop, OP. What can they say? (I mean, they probably will moan, but just tell them that you don't want to embarass them when they don't reciprocate ...)

Stop the money from next year. Stop the cards except big birthdays

I've put a stop to it this year. My kids don't even get a card from their Aunt and Uncle, but expect something for their daughter ( our niece )from us.She's now had a baby and we've been 'told' what to buy and what not to buy for her....
DHs parents stopped buying last year for our kids- they just get a card, and it's not because they can't afford it-even though we've always been quite generous with our gifts to them. So they're not getting anything.
My brother and SIL ( aforementioned Aunt and Uncle) get £50 each from my Mum. She gets nothing from them. When my niece met her boyfriend Mum was told that she had to find another £50 for him so he didn't feel left out......
Christmas will be a lot cheaper this year.....

I don’t understand why you are doing this bloody wifework at all.

Just stop it.

My DH will just say send it all as normal to stop any issues

What ‘issues’ is he anticipating?

I would send money for any kids under 18. But I certainly wouldn’t carry on sending gifts for adult siblings or parents if you get no response from them.

Absolutely stop, but let your husband continue with the tradition of gifts and cards if he so wishes.

I was in your position in my 20s and 30s. I have a large family and I was doing all the heavy lifting emotionally and at birthdays and christmas. They never gave me birthday cards / went out for my birrhday (even now Dad often doesn’t even remember to wish me happy birthday but I’m deemed ungrateful if I don’t show up to any of their birthday celebrations). I just got to the point of just not being able to do it any more and stopped cold turkey.

You don’t owe his siblings anything, just do you own thing.

I would say I’m not sending the cards any more but you are very welcome to

I was at the stage of sending to dgnieces and dgnephews.
It was ridiculous.
Two of my nieces do thank me for their dc gifts.
The others never acknowledge them.
One dn lives in the US so I have used Amazon.com, they send me a photo, I message both parents just to say they should have received a parcel, neither message back so I stopped.
Another moved house and didn’t forward their new address so I stopped there.
I’m down to 3 out of 10 now.

Dh only buys gifts for those that support the same football team and would like related merchandise. 😆 (two people).