Im not sure what to think?

[sellthebigissue]

Not sure what to think of this comment..

Bit of back story. Ive had a baby every year for the last 3 years. Im currently 22 weeks pregnant. When I fell pregnant with our first in 2022 I was a healthy 80kg, attended the gym regular, ate well, walked alot, you get the gist.

3 years down the line, pregnancy has taken its toll. Im around 93kgs, veen extremely poorly over the last few years during pregnancy. Admitted to hospital more times then I can count. Suffered sever Hyperemesis Gravidarum, im severely anaemic with a ferritin of 7. Awaiting an infusion. Just you know, alot. I have been feeling insecure about a number of things, body changes ect and my DH is especially attractive. Very authentic, loves the gym etc. So I feel im constantly comparing myself to other women.

He this evening has said to me.. and I quote...
"I wish you walk more. You've lost definition in your bum. I used to love your bum and now i just like it"
(I can barely breathe lying down never mind walking to get a better bum).
This is followed by a comment from this morning where he was winding me up with a pair of the babies socks. When I was trying ti get them. He kept dropping them on the floor. So I just huffed but I wasnt mardy or angry, just more like hurry up ive got an appointment and he said
"You'll know when I dont love you anymore, ill stop winding you up. Either I dont love you or something else is going on with someone else"

And im honestly hurt by these comments more so because hes NEVER ever said anything like this and i dont know how to take it or if im just being a hormonal mess.

Please can I have an outsider perspective, men and women. Not arsed if its harsh truth. Thanks.

Does he work?

Why would you assume i dont like my children because my partner said he doesn't like my bum anymore?. Its an odd assumption to make. So it assuming i havent enjoyed any of them? Im a grown woman, im aware of my choices with regards to my body and contraception wasnt on the cards. I wanted my children close together.

You've every right to be upset, he's being a cock. He should be going out of his way to support you and make you feel amazing. The sock thing is childish and irritating, not what you need at 22 weeks pregnant and even a fucking 10 year old knows you don't comment on a pregnant woman's body, let alone the other of your children ffs. Please don't just put it down to hormones, I think as women, we forget we're bloody ALLOWED to be upset when people are dicks, and we blame it on hormones, when really.... No, he's just a dick. Tell him how you feel then let him make it up to you. If he's not arsed that he's upset you then you have bigger worries. Best of luck x

Hes just been medically discharged from the military

Honestly thank you.
Writing this has actually made me realise that I dont feel comfortable to sit him down and tell him how its made me feel as im worried for his reaction and im alarmed by this. I for sure know he will say that hes just telling me the truth but does that really make it okay? Im not sure.

Is there anything in particular that’s making you question yourself?

If you’re otherwise happy I would honestly speak to him and tell him everything. Don’t let him get away with saying ‘im just being honest’ that’s not an excuse for hurting your wife’s feelings. If he does respond with that immediately then it’s clear he isn’t taking you seriously and getting defensive and if that happens I would be seriously unhappy.

Theres a lot of comments on here about how awful he is and always must have been but try not to take them all to heart. Those are judgements based off one tiny snippet you’ve shared.

Only you will know if he is a good man and a good husband and father. Nobody has ever divorced anyone over one hurtful comment. But only you knows if it is just one or if there’s anything else going on?

Thank you.
Ive just replied to someone else and honestly i dont think i feel comfortable confronting him because i think deep down he will just tell me hes just telling me the truth (which i guess he is?) and I think he will expect me to accept that and move on. Im so glad i posted because I have never thought abiut him from a different perspective before.

Thank you for taking this in the spirit that I meant it - I am angry for you, because it's really not on. I would be alarmed if I felt I couldn't discuss it with him too. You should be able to talk about anything with your partner - the good, the bad, the ugly. It's called being a team, and for you it's even more than that, it's making strong foundations for your family. Unless he is usually utterly lacking in self-awareness then surely even he would see that 'I'm just telling the truth' is in no way a get-out-of-jail free card for upsetting the person you say that you love. I think someone I work with is a massive tit and I would never tell him - and I am not in love/in a relationship with him. It's objectively the truth but it doesn't make it alright to say it. I'm trying to think how to help you with this now as I don't think it should be allowed to fester and you shouldn't have to go on feeling this way.

Why is it that we bring life into the world, then fucking men don’t like it because our bodies (obviously) change?
He is being an utter misogynistic cunt, and tbh I think you need to call him out on it.

“I’m busy growing an actual human, but you’re not happy with the shape of my arse while I’m doing that? Are you really that much of an arsehole?”

He’s leaking his true feelings OP.

The thing is, while objectively you both know that you have (understandably) put on weight and changed shape, he has chosen to say something that he'll defend as truthful but anyone who cared about their partner wouldn't say at all because they'd know it would hurt them. And that's not something you do to a partner.

Your replies are so thoughtful. Thank you.

Im not sure how to approach it either. Im.obviously aware its not a nice thing to say but because its so 'unlike him', i dont know how to tell him its upset me either.

Im just trying to think how to approach it without causing a scene. Or shall I cause a scene.

I think this is why im upset as id never say anything regarding his appearance that may upset him.

What do you mean by 'contraception wasn't on the cards' when you also say you didn't want more children and this baby wasn't planned?

If you're having sex without contraception you're planning to have a baby, unless you didn't have free will either about the non contraception or about the sex. The more you post the less good it sounds tbh.

But is it really "so unlike him" or have you just always been acceptable to him so he hasn't felt the need to comment?

Please, do not let anyone, man, woman, boyfriend, friend, wife, relative, make you feel shit about yourself.

Also, don't jump to WLI. Give your body time to recover. You may lose some of the weight by yourself, you may learn to be happy with your changed body, who knows? I take WLI so am not instantly negative about them, but try normal ways first IF YOU WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR YOU.

He's a real dick - these are disgusting things to say to a pregnant woman.

Beauty and gym-honed buttocks are all very well - but it's only skin deep. What about valuing your body for doing the most amazing thing- growing your babies. What about respecting and valuing you while your carrying his baby?

We all of us (if we're lucky) will grow old and wrinkly, and lose our youth and muscle tone. Hopefully he's with you for more than your buttocks and he should have more respect for the mother of his children. He sounds vain and shallow.

You're welcome lovely, I want to help, you don't deserve any of this. I wonder if the best way to address it is as part of broader conversation about what happens when the baby arrives. Starting with some of the practical considerations - I think I read upstream that's he's medically retired from the military? So he is going to be hands on? I think you can start from there. What you will need, how you will work as a team, etc.

From there I think you can move to what you can both do to make the last weeks as peaceful as possible so that none of your health issues are heightened by stress... and then this is your opener to say: "And something that has caused me stress recently is these comments..." I think you have to do it in a no-blame way and just say: "When you said those things, you may have thought you were joking, but after everything I have been through, and continue to go through, it did not feel that way to me. It made me worry about our relationship at a time when I want to be looking forward to the future, rather than be worried about it." Then you have to let that information sit with him.

Hopefully the penny will drop, he will either apologise or ask to think about it. If he gets defensive then that's not a good sign, unless he's the type to go off in a huff, think it through, and then come back and express his regret. We all have different communication styles - I recognise that - but the ultimate issue is that he needs to acknowledge how it has made you feel and resolve to do better, even if he thought he was being jokey. Does that make sense? If he gets angry then that is a bad sign of course - but I don't think you should shy away from the conversation on the basis that he could react that way - in fact I think you need to know if being straightforward about your feelings is something he can deal with, because as I say you are building a family with this man.

Oh darling x
You sound so bloody lovely.
You should ABSOLUTELY cause a scene!
Why the fuck should he get away with saying these things about you??
You have given him beautiful babies, and he thinks he has the right to criticise your body?!
Arent you absolutely livid?
I know I would be.
Find your anger, how the fuck does he think what he has said is ok?
I am bloody fuming on your behalf.
This is utter disrespect, even if he looks like Brad bloody Pitt, what the fuck gives him the right to criticise your body?
Dickhead.

I knew i wanted my babies close together.
The first two were planned. Therefore I did not take contraception. And I certainly wouldn't take it just because a stranger on the Internet advised me too. Thats not what i was seeking advice about.
The third was not planned, albeit I am happy.

You are right.
My babies are beautiful and I know my body has changed but I dont think its hideous. I have out in some weight, im 5ft9 so I also dont think I carry it terribly either.
Im just lay here like I cant believe he said it and questioning if ive missed things because of 'love'.
Truthfully you wouldn't intentionally say something to hurt someone you love, would you? I know i wouldn't x

Oh OP I feel so angry on your behalf.

You have given birth to his babies and are pregnant with his third, and your health has suffered and what does he do? Starts negging you.

I'm sorry OP but given his absolutely uncalled for criticism, his change in behaviour, and his ott protestations about not looking at other women, I would very much suspect he has had his head turned.

You need to call him out on his negging and you need to ask him what he thinks he is playing at treating you with such disrespect.

I think this is how i will approach it. Im going to leave it for this evening and speak to him tomorrow about it. I wonder if he will note something is wrong and approach me first. Im terrible at hiding how I feel.
Im hoping hes just not thought about his comment before saying it. I did used to be really active but honestly I cannot walk without gasping for air. The iron meds are so unforgiving so its a blood transfusion then and iron transfusion. Or one or the other. I. Sent remember, ill find out at my appt tomorrow.

Thank you for being kind. You open yourself up to all sorts on these sites.
The Internet is wild and people love to tear others down instead of offer advice or to make themselves feel better.

Ive never heard the term negging. I will look it up.
Aside from not initally really knowing how to approach it face to face, I have autism and much prefer to type my worries. However I know thats not a great form of communication.

For instance, when he said it, some people may respond right away with a what the fuck attitude but I felt embarrassed that id let myself go so much so that hes commented on it and I generally didnt know how to respond to him