What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

She knew he had children, she didn't sign up to be free childcare during his contact time, while he uses work to make money and avoid parenting.

He's another BMD, bare minimum dad, using a foolish woman for free childcare who has had enough.

Whatever the split, it’s clearly no longer working and OP needs to focus on readdressing that, not blaming an unrelated woman for not providing cheerful free childcare for her and her ex.

It’s only a couple of years until the 9yo can vote with her feet, anyway.

You mean the kids John dumped on Sarah while he worked in his contact time with them ? They are his kids, not hers. Nanny with a fanny seems to be an accurate summation.

Step parent obviously (or close family) IMO but you didn't originally say that

If the dad’s at work, they should be with their mum. OR agreed childcare. Not dumped on the nearest woman who doesn’t agree to it.

Yes but she probably didn't expect to be fully responsible for them whilst her husband decides to bugger off to work!

Most people (myself included) who marry someone with children expect to take on a step-parent role which usually means being a parent figure alongside a competent father. Not just being fobbed off with his kids every weekend whilst he picks and chooses when he wants to spend time with them.

Another point is aquariums are bloody expensive. It’s £22 per child at the one nearest me, plus lunch and being hit up for something in the gift shop and you’re easily talking an extra £100 to bring two extra children. Do we really think John’s offering Sarah that?

It must be sad for you and them, he hasn’t really got time to have them 40% of the time has he? Can that be re-evaluated? If he wants 40% he needs to change his working hours, you know like women have to? Like you probably have had to do! They want us to be free childcare, 3 kids is hard and really he shouldn’t be leaving her to look after 3 on a weekend unless they need the money. Does she work? I suspect they might end up breaking up because your kids are at quite a nice age (pretty independent but without the hormones) and if they can’t work it out now it’s only going to get worse as they get older and stroppier.

OP, you and the dad should agree a more suitable time when to send the kids over to stay at dads. He should then be able to stay with them as he should/his responsibility.

Agreed.

I feel very sorry for the kids in the situation, they are still so young to excluded so blatantly. But this in an issue with their dad, not their step mum (as frustrating as that may be). He needs to step the fuck up because if he’d been around then he could have taken them somewhere fun instead or even insisted they all go to the aquarium and he would be there as an extra pair of hands. I think you do need to talk to him about this, but not in the sense of complaining about his partner, but more about his responsibilities as a parent on the days that he’s meant to be responsible for his own children.

It sounds like Sarah is fed up being free childcare every weekend for a man who avoids contact time with his children by going to work. Or 'work'.

You can bet the step kids are being taught to resent and blame their stepmum too, by both their parents. Whenever there’s a thread on here about adult stepchildren they’re always brimming with resentment for the stepmum, without the dad ever getting any heat.

Yes it’s a catch 22 for the stepmum in this scenario. It is 100% on the actual parents to resolve this for the sake of the kids.

Yup. And even on this thread without any context whatsoever we had several posters automatically vilifying Sarah, ‘bitch’ ‘cunt’ etc and even when people have realised the root problem is the bloke, the names used to describe him have been much milder.

You can twist it to make everyone the good or bad guy

John fucks off to work again despite promising he wouldn’t and dumps his kids on his wife even though he knows she has plans
or
John works really hard to support all his kids which sometimes means SAHM Sarah has to pull more weight with the kids

Sarah is a mean old bitch who resents the time and money that Johns kids take up. She wants her own child to be the only child.
Sarah has made plans but John messed them up at the last minute. He’s always doing this. Sarah needs him to know this isn’t ok. Sarah doesn’t get much leisure time and John shouldn’t just assume she is willing to give up what little she has.

The kids just want to be a proper family
The kids play up when John isn’t around and it’s too much to expect Sarah to manage them on outings when she already has a toddler.

Ultimately John is responsible for his own kids but that include financial responsibility. Sarah is allowed boundaries but having a serious relationship with a man who already has 2dc means those boundaries should either accommodate them, or she should have ended this 5 years ago. You can’t move in with a man with kids and expect him not to work but be able to support 3 kids. John doesn’t have his kids 60% of the time so why is he working extra in the 40% that he does have them. I think John is having a lend of Sarah and Sarah has made a mistake she is going to struggle to extract herself from and blended families, on the whole, are not worth the candle. I think John could avoid a lot of this upset by communicating better with Sarah “I’ve got the chance of some extra work on Sunday - will you be able to have the kids?” And with his kids “I’ve got to work on Sunday so I’m going to need you guys to help me and then afterwards we can cook your favourite diner and play a game”. I wonder when Sarah knew John was working that day - before she made plans or as she heard the door slam that morning.

OP this will seriously damage your kids self esteem and self worth.

I think you need to have a chat with dad and point out that if HE is unable to have the kids, bring them back to you because they were every subdued at having to witness their sibling going on a trip without them (which isn’t an issue but no need to rub their faces in it).

He is allowing DW to treat his kids like this, really he should have downed tools and taken them somewhere.

I would try to have this chat without even mentioning DW - she’s his problem not yours.

Nasty. Should have included all the kids

Did the sister/Aunt who invited offer to pay for just the two of them?

Blended families often have issues even if people don’t vocalise them, it’s why I decided to never date anyone who has a child.

That's so sad for your DC, OP. I'd definitely have a word with their Dad. He needs to arrange to work around when he has DC or reduce the time he has them. He may refuse of course but I think he needs to know either way. The eldest isn't too far off being able to make a choice about how much time they spend at his.

I think I'd just say to him "The DC felt rather left out that they didn't get to go to the aquarium with SM and half-sibling and mentioned hearing you and Sarah discussing it later on. They have missed out on a few other things too. I want them to be happy and feel included at yours as I'm sure you do too. How can we work together to achieve this, shall we amend the schedule so that you don't have them while you're at work?".

In reality, if the parent is otherwise occupied, then it usually falls to the step parent (M or F).

However, in this instance, he should be parenting during his contact time and I have every sympathy for OP and stepmum. Although personally I wouldn't be able to bring myself to leave children behind - hopefully she was just trying to prove a point. In my family 'steps' were treated no differently to 'natural' children

I think Sarah was very unreasonable to have a child in a situation where child has to share their family home 40% of the time with kids from a different relationship to their parents relationship. Not least as John has form for not being able to make relationships work long term.

I think Sarah is entirely reasonable not to want to look after some other woman's kids, but then again it is very mean not to take them along given she is willing to share her house with them 40% of the time.

Also the whole scenario is rather meaningless without further detail. If John works as an artist (so his kids can paint in the corner of his big studio whilst he paints his proper art) then it makes a lot of sense. If John removes asbestos for a living then Sarah was BvvvvvvUR

I don’t think there’s enough information here to accurately judge. If the dad’s working every weekend and expecting stepmum to entertain his kids by herself, at her expense, then she’s perfectly entitled to put in boundaries. What other options does she have to elicit change?

Sarah shouldn’t have got involved with a man with young kids if she didn’t want to be involved in their life.
Dragging them along to soft play or something i can understand her not being keen, but it’s just plain mean leaving them at home to take a toddler to something older kids would enjoy.

It’s ultimately your ex’s problem though, but doesn’t bode well for future teenage years.

I see from your update that dad is also not happy about the situation.
I'm not sure this marriage can last, if she continues to treat his children like second class citizens.
I'm not sure there's anything to be gained by airing your disappointment when he's already annoyed about it, and raised it.
However I might speak to him to say, well actually if this happens again, I don't want the kids being put in the position of being bored sat at your workplace. Call me and I'll spend time with them. I know it's his time but it'll be a happier time for the kids.