What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Sounds like their marriage is in trouble, but your kids shouldn’t be feeling the backlash of that. You need to talk to their dad.

OP, I can well imagine this must be very upsetting for you and for the children, however this is 100% on your Ex.
He is dumping his children on his new partner.
He needs to return them to you and you increase your CM claim.

He clearly is with this woman for free childcare and she didn't sign up for it, or she has had enough and is putting down boundaries.

Many men do this, but not all.
She has her own child that she would like to take out on her own.
She is not wrong to want to do that.

He expects free childcare.
Your children have two parents and it is 100% the responsibility of you both to provide it.
Not to expect his new partner with her own child to want to take care of 3 children on a day out.

This is on your husband and you would be wise to speak to him and not to blame her or even mention her.

You and he have no business commenting on how she spends time with her child at the weekend.

I know it reads as harsh but this is the reality when you split.

He's just another man who got hooked up and had a baby with the first woman he saw, as he needed childcare after you split up.

She no longer wants to play ball so both of you need to step up and look after your children between you, not expect his new partner to give you both free weekends to work and socialise without your children.

This is unpalatable for many who expect women to suck it up, but its the truth.

Your children, your responsibility.
I really feel for your children.
Its a miserable childhood when you get caught in the crossfire.

Mean . Sarah may as well have said to those children “you don’t mean much to me - I’ve got my own child” - even very young children would have divined this message from the behaviour .

There is a back story here isn’t there?

Saw your update - their dad is at fault allowing his children to be treated like this and for marrying someone who doesn’t accept his children as part of the deal . Strong word to be had with him as your children don’t deserve to feel unwanted and an inconvenience.

No stepmum who is previously reasonable is doing this because she hates the kids. She’s clearly had enough of being de facto childcare whilst her partner doesn’t bother.

You absolutely should say something, but not making it the stepmum’s fault. Something like “the kids were disappointed to spend Saturday at work with you. Can we review the split so they’re with me when you’re working?”

Op whereas I agree dad needs to be the one looking after his kids not just his new wife , i also think if you marry a man who already has kids , to some extent you take them on too especially if his working pattern is such that he works during the time he has his kids. This is probably not his fault. He does have three kids to contribute towards. SM sounds awful and shes clearly hurting the children. Speak up and if it was me I wouldn't send my kids to an environment where they aren't wanted (if you can of course i realise its not as easy as that) and I would have a calm talk with your ex , you sound fair , seeing it from the new wifes pov. Personally I don't see her point because she chose to marry this man and have another child with him... the kids didnt pick this. Tell him u understand the issues faced but kids came home sad and youre sure neither of them wants the kids to be sad so can they sort it out their end.

Absolutely this.

As a step-parent, I look after DSD when DH needs to work on weekends (not very often) which isn't an issue at all but if it was every weekend or a lot of the time, I would be pissed off (although DH would never do this).

More so because the point of the step-child coming to the NRP is so they can actually spend time with them!!!

You’re making loads of presumptions here. I have stepchildren and my DP does overtime because he likes it. I have a toddler too, I work full-time, and I have put my foot down on him doing overtime when his children are here.

Yes I signed up to be a stepmum, but I didn’t sign up to be free childcare to three other kids, on the only days I have off work to see my own child, whilst DP has a calm and enjoyable day of quiet overtime.

I have said time and time again to their dad that he leaves them too often with his wife who makes it pretty obvious to the kids that she resents this.

Well to be fair, as a step-mum, I would resent my husband agreeing to have his children every weekend then fucking off to work and leaving me to look after them all day!

I happily look after DSD but only because it's not expected of me. And on the rare occasion DH has to work on a weekend it's absolutely no problem at all. But if it was happening every weekend I wouldn't be too happy.

Stuff like this happens a lot

Well then she's probably had enough and wanted to make a point. Not fair on the kids, no. But how else is she going to get through to him that HE needs to be the one looking after them. They're there to spend time with HIM ffs!

Between you and your ex, you need to be making arrangements for him to have his kids when he's actually at home. What's the point in them even going over otherwise?!

Are the visits court-ordered or a decision between the two of you?

If the children aren't really seeing their father then you need to get them changed

To be fair she probably DID accept the children as part of the deal when she thought that she would be a step-parent with a partner who took care of his own children when he had them!

But the OP says this happens all the time so she's probably grown hugely resentful of having to look after his kids whilst he fucks off to work every weekend!

What did I presume? My opinion is not a presumption and I based this on what op said about her situation... not yours!

John should be looking after his own children.

You said the kids aren’t wanted and that you don’t see the stepmum’s perspective. Becoming a stepmum doesn’t equal solo parenting whilst the kids’ actual parents choose to do something else.

i’m sorry OP, that’s so sad for your children. Your ex needs to either change his working patterns or step mum needs to treat the kids nicely. Have no idea how you can influence any of this though.

I see OP has cleverly phrased her post. What this means is the kids are with their father and stepmother every single weekend. Being school age that’s what the “40%” of the week translates to, because if she’d said “I never spend any time with my children at the weekends” the responses might be a bit less sympathetic. How about instead of criticising the stepmother for not being a free nanny to your children, you occasionally take them out yourself at weekends? I was on the receiving end of this for years, and it has caused permanent damage to the children’s relationship with their mother because they became aware (entirely from their own experiences) that she very much saw weekends as ‘her time’, and that did not include them.

On the face of it, this is ludicrous. But I suspect Sarah is absolutely sick of being the default parent to two children who are not her own whenever they are at her house and is putting up a boundary. In which case, fair play to her.

Very normal for his partner to want to spend time with her child.

The difference on a day out looking after 1 and 3 children is HUGE.

OP acknowledges that he is taking advantage of his partner.
She has had enough.

These relationships often fall apart when the new partner realises their value is free childcare and they no longer will tolerate it.

My friends daughter was with one such man.

He moved into her home and his two children 5 and 7 would come and stay every other weekend.

As a teacher she decided to spent 3 weeks with her sister at her villa in Spain and her two children also of 5 and 7.

Her partner was most put out when she refused to take his children with her as it would help him and his ex out during the school holidays.
He called her selfish.

Thankfully it was the wake up call she needed.
She asked him to stay elsewhere while she was away and had her locks changed.
She finished with him and he continued to call her selfish for abandoning his children.

Batshit and a narrow escape.
She will never date a man with children again.

And his work can’t be that critical or important if he can do it with two kids in tow.

I strongly suspect the stepmum is reconsidering her relationship and spent that aquarium trip debating it with her sister OP. How will your ex maintain his contact schedule without his live in nanny?

Sarah shouldn’t have excluded her stepchildren. If they were teenagers I’d understand but they’re the perfect age to appreciate an aquarium. Sarah is a bitch.

Given your update, I think you should lay the blame entirely where it is due, you already know he’s a useless parent, it’s presumably why you’re divorced.

i would be re-assuring my children that she doesn’t resent them at all, and be contacting your ex to rearrange logistics, if it’s possible for you work wise, so that if he isn’t there to parent them, then they stay with you and he pays more child maintenance. This situation is making your children unhappy and surely he does not want that for his children?

Just saw update. I think you need to have a serious chat with him. This is the exact sort of thing that will destroy your children’s self esteem. She clearly resents them being around which to me is utterly insane, she knew he had children when she met him…

My goodness me. Check your misogyny. If you read the update you can see the person to blame is the father. Jumping straight to call the woman in the scenario a misogynistic term, without even pausing for thought to look where the root of the problem is, is a classic example of internalised misogyny.

That is some stretch😂There are plenty of ways to split 60/40 you know?!

We have DSC 40% of the time and isn't "every weekend"!

It's usually 2 weeknights and one night at the weekend. Or sometimes it can be one weeknight and 2 nights over weekend.