What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Sarah is mean. Poor kids being left knowing that they can’t go. It doesn’t sound like Sarah likes the kids or she’s had enough of doing all the childcare on the weekend while John decides that he’d rather be in work.

You need to tell your ex to stop dumping his kids with his partner and actually be their parent.

I reckon this is why OP’s not replying… She knows she won’t get more £ for more custody because her ex is difficult, and the custody schedule is such that she currently has all weekends free to work or have time to herself. Sarah’s unpaid labour has been benefiting both parents.

Awful way to treat those children. I don't know how anyone could do that. The issues they're going to get from feeling unwanted. It's just awful.

Why are people assuming 40% is every weekend? There's lots of other ways they could be splitting things?

Exactly. OP is a CF.

Because lots of shit dads with other women to palm their kids off to prefer that, than having the drudge of school.

Op, I thought you must have been their mum and have seen your update. Like another poster has suggested I would say to your ex that the children were upset on Saturday and rather then it happen again can you review the split of visitation so that he is definitely around to spend time with them when he isn’t working.
Hopefully that will be the kick he needs to realise everyone is aware of the impact on the children, if he asks to drop some of his days then if your work/life allows I would not send them rather then the children witness arguing and feeling left out and make sure he ups his maintenance accordingly.
They must have met when your children were tiny, and had a child of their own pretty quickly and it sounds like their Step Mum is getting fed up with looking after extra children in his contact time when he should be there. I couldn’t have done it to the kids in her shoes, they aren’t recent additions….. However is for you Ex to sort so I would definitely mention it to him.

But not many mums do, because they actually, you know, like their kids and want to spend time with them?

I think two extra children at that age would be fine. I think it was rather mean tbh unless they are badly behaved with you.

It’s John’s job to protect his children.

It’s a bit like when people say the OW is equally to blame - she isn’t, you are blaming a woman for a husband/father not protecting his family.

Sarah’s actions weren’t nice, but it’s dad’s place to ensure his children’s wellbeing so he shouldn’t have left them with her.

Stick up for your kids. I was just thinking I didn't do this for mine and got quite upset about it.

No she’s a step-parent whose child is their half sibling. If she has a problem take it up with John when his children are asleep .

This, unless they didn't want to go

Absolutely this!
As always a woman is at fault for a poor father.
She wasn't very nice but probably sick of him taking advantage.

I would think any 7 or 9 year old would feel left out and jealous. Was it some sort of punishment not taking them? Were they being naughty? Could he not have taken the day off work and did something with them instead?

His children, his responsibility.
He knew it was his weekend.

otherwise he steps back and just goes for every other weekend and increases the money he pays the mother for them.

Silly Sarah getting involved with a man with 2 children.

And their father is married to her, they aren’t. Maybe they would sometimes love to have the chance to be treated as his priority by him, rather than passed on to her.

Should have said she'd go with the three children. You take on a man with children, they come as a package.

Shame the dad doesnt see himself as part of the package then!

I'm so sorry your children are being treated like this, OP. No, they're not her children but if she wasn't prepared to love them and treat them with kindness then she shouldn't have married their father. She didn't have to take them to the aquarium but neither did she have to dump them and swan off to a better offer.

My sister is a step mother and if I invited her for a day trip she had better bring her husband's children - my son would be devastated otherwise! We all adore them! I wouldn't say we treat them like our own family - we respect that they have a mother and plenty of biological addticts and uncles and we're not replacing them - but when they're with their dad and my sister it is expected that they come to everything the rest of the children come to. Love grows if you nurture it. There's plenty to go around.

I would say something to the effect of - Just wanted to let you know the kids came home last week a bit subdued, then told me what had happened with Sarah and the aquarium. They are feeling sad and left out. I also know they'd love to see more of you during your contact time with them so if it's possible to reschedule your work so you can give them your undivided attention more i think they'd appreciate that. But appreciate your domestic arrangements are your own so it's obviously your decision, I just thought you might like to know how they're feeling.

That’s very unreasonable in my opinion. How cruel.

I took one of my kids to florids this year and left the other home with his dad. My partner and I have one child together. We took only that child. The older one who isn't his child we didn't take,we also left him behind on a trip to Paris in June. Is this fair?

Maybe not when you sah it that way but for context: the older child is almost 14 has been to florids 10 times before. He's going with his dad in February of next year and with us in September. We were doing a disney only trip and he isn't too into it. He likes the star wars stuff but otherwise he's not fussed. We took him to Disneyland paris in January and he complained the whole time. He doesn't like kids rides and doesn't like hanging out with his 3 year old brother

Maybe the older kids didn't want to go to the aquarium. Maybe it's too babyish or boring. Maybe they like to hang out with dad at work and given the option they'd rather do that?

On the face of it, I think Sarah was mean not to take the other children along, if it was something they'd like. Maybe Sarah's sister was being the mean one, in that case I think I would have declined the 'day out'.

Presumably the children's dad didn't mind them being dropped off to him at work but how did they feel about being 'parked'?

Ultimately, his children from previous are his responsibility, not Sarah's, but we don't know what private arrangements they've organised between themselves or how well she gets on with them and they with her.

Honestly, I do hope people take note of these threads and run a mile from potential partners with kids. It is so difficult.