What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Exactly this.

🙄 You’re being disingenuous. You know full well I’m talking about a moral obligation, not a legal one.

I’m wondering how John and Sarah split finances. An extra 2 kids to the aquarium would not have been cheap. Was John also expecting Sarah to pay for that or do they have one shared pot?

This is all on John. He should not be working when he has his DC and it sounds like this is a regular occurrence.

OP if you go decide to say something I would keep it focused purely on what is in the best interests of your DC and that is to spend contact time with their parent. This is not about missing out on a lovely outing it’s about a rubbish parent who is not willing to spend time with his DC. I’d be saying that he seems to be at work during his contact time and that contact needs to be reviewed if that does not change.

Their dad seems like a lot of divorced fathers who want shared custody to reduce maintenance but don’t want to actually parent during their time. So find a woman to fob them off on (if not new girlfriends and wives then mothers, sisters, aunts etc).

But Sarah should have never married a man with children so she is an idiot too.

Sarah is mean spirited and shouldn’t be in a relationship with John if she can’t treat them equally

No I haven’t if that meant actively excluding my stepchild from an activity. No it would not be extremely unreasonable for the stepchild to want time alone with the dad, that’s a completely different scenario.

We have SC 50/50 custody and I still wouldn’t dream of excluding them purposely. Some children are hard work, my own children are sometimes hard work but I’d never not bring any of them on a day out, that’s part of being a parent. The key is, when you meet someone that already has children, you are signing up to a package deal, which may mean dealing with a difficult child, if you can’t cope with that, then don’t pursue a relationship with that parent.

Im fairly confident the sister wouldn’t choose an aquarium to discuss a divorce or reveal a terminal illness. We all know this was an intentional exclusion of the SC as for whatever reason Sarah doesn’t want them to come. You would arrange a more appropriate setting, without children altogether for a serious conversation.

I think the key here is whether this is a one off, or a pattern of exclusion. Ultimately there’s two young children who are likely to be feeling rejected, and that’s the heart of it.

Whatever problem Sarah has with John, she shouldn't be taking it out on the children. She is acting like a stereotypical wicked step-mother

The dad needs to sort this out. He’s obviously assuming (hoping?) that his wife will act as babysitter/ nanny but she’s clearly not going to do so, and he needs to realise this.

I do think it’s a bit cruel of the step mum but equally taking 3 kids around an aquarium, is a bit different to 1 and if she wants to spend quality time with her sister it’s understandable. And it does all depend on whether she agreed willingly to have the step kids or not.

Upshot is that it’s his job to look after the kids when they are in his care and he shouldn’t be working. If he is working he needs to make some rock solid arrangements with people who will treat them well (what about grandparents?) or leave them with you (if that’s an option).

I'm starting to understand that the stereotype of the wicked stepmother probably has it's roots in having a dick for a husband and the wildly different expectations on her as opposed to him over his children.

Stuff like this happens a lot and I'm always doubting myself as to whether I'm being unreasonable or not to let it bother me.

I have said time and time again to their dad that he leaves them too often with his wife who makes it pretty obvious to the kids that she resents this.

The OP's words, just for the people who have missed the reality.

How very sad for your children not to feel loved by this woman. Agree dad shouldn't leave them alone so much but this woman knew what she was getting into. My DSS is treated, and always has been, the same as my 2 DS. Love him.

Of course they aren't 'loved' by their stepmother.

Do you think he knew what he was getting into? I cannot fathom why she is being held to such a high standard and he's basically getting 'yeah he's their dad but' and everything being shifted on to her. The ONLY reason situation happened and keeps happening is because they have got a sub-par dad and their mother on this very thread has acknowledged that and the pressure on his wife.

I agree Sub par dad for sure

It’s entirely possible to love a stepchild, just like you can love a niece, nephew, godchild or grandchild. It doesn’t mean you should be more responsible for them than their own perfectly capable parents.

Depends on the work. Most jobs will be extra pay for weekends and we don't know if there are plans to stop, change jobs or if they're saving up for a house etc.
Agree buck stops with him but it's not always as simple as avoiding weekends.

So she agreed to look after 2 children and reneged with no notice? Not reasonable, obviously

Eh? I love children who are not my own children. My nieces and nephews for a start…

Sounds like Sarah is sick of being treated like unpaid childcare, while John who presumably wanted 40% custody (either so he doesn't have to pay as much maintenance, or because he wants to be able to say he has his children 40% of the time - making him look like a decent committed father, when in reality he isn't) gets on with his life apparently with no regard for his wife or children. If he doesn't want to spend as much time with the children, he should say so and let them be with their parent.

Once again, the woman is held to a higher standard then the man - their actual parent.

I’m going to guess that dad clears off regularly without notice to ‘work’ and his Mrs has had enough of it. I would guess he manages to find time for himself when the children are not around.

He’s self-employed and having two kids in tow didn’t stop him working; it seems quite likely he decides his working hours.

There could be a dripfeed that they’re broke and paying off debt but in that case, nobody would be going to the aquarium.

Your children have two parents and it is 100% the responsibility of you both to provide it.
Not to expect his new partner with her own child to want to take care of 3 children on a day out.

Having been in Sarah’s position, I agree with this

In the light of your update I wondered do you actually need your children to go to their dad's (e.g. does it provide your childcare to work?) if not I would just tell him to let you know when he has time to look after them/see them (his self) as otherwise they won't bother coming.

Assume you wouldn't dump them if you were supposed to be caring for them and got invited to an aquarium. You would take them with you if they wanted to go.