What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

Who decides contact schedules? Parents, not Sarah.

Who decides medical care? Parents, not Sarah.

Who makes schooling decisions? Parents, not Sarah.

Who has legal parental responsibility until they’re 18? Parents, not Sarah.

(also, tbh, i occasionally went to work with my dad and we had a BRILLIANT time, but that is because his job was a bit cool at the time. I took my DCs to work sometimes when i had to work weekends, and they loved it. They still talk about it now they are fully grown adults with jobs of their own)

The problem is it is blindingly obvious Sarah was trying to make a point but John clearly doesn't actually care about his kids, as he has avoided spending time with them, so he is unlikely to care about them being upset.

If you can have them back with you OP I would say to John if he's not actually present for contact he needs to increase his maintenance and bring them back to you.

This one million times over.

Sarah is bloody heartless.

Well Sarah sounds like a bloody awful stepmum but fundamentally the responsibility is their father's for exposing them to that.

I would suggest you as their mother have a talk with their dad about whether the current custody arrangement makes sense, which it doesn't seem to be if he's leaving them with his wife so much. If I were you I would be seeking to redress the balance and have them be at his only when he personally is able to look after them, as it is obvious she doesn't want to. If this is about maintenance for him (as I suspect it often is with dads seeking 50/50 or something like it) maybe offer not to claim, which i know is galling for you but better than your kids having to go somewhere where they are treated as less-than. You can't make her love them, you can't make him prioritise them, but you can do what you can to try and fill the gap and minimise their exposure to this treatment.

So? It still sucks for the kids that they end up feeling that nobody can really be arsed with them. It's clear that their dad and stepmum can't, anyway.

And - coming from a 'blended' family - I've experienced this first-hand. It's all very well saying it's not the stepparents' fault (hmmmmm) but if you don't want to fuck the kids up, then don't get involved with a man (or woman) with kids if you're not interested in them.

That's really sad for the children.

Of course, but that’s not the situation here. If she didn’t want to look after her stepchildren and wanted the flexibility to just do something with her child she needs to not take them on.

Well, sure. It’s extraordinary how many rubbish men manage to find a woman to do their bidding. He needs a kick up the arse and Sarah needs to wake up to the situation she’s walked into.

This!

By changing the contact schedule, the children will be happier, Sarah will be happier, the children will form better relationships with their dad by actually seeing him, and with their stepmum by not being forced on her…

Good for Sarah for taking the stand. If she has enough and leaves, John’s not going to be able to do any weekend overtime as a single dad to four. He should stop pushing his luck before it’s too late.

Yeah, good for Sarah taking her frustration with her useless husband out on the powerless kids.

I agree with this - it sounds like it's pointless them going to their dad's, seeing as he's not spending any time with them anyway. I would look into changing the custody arrangements. I always hated going to my dad and stepmum's TBH - mainly because my sister and I were always just afterthoughts, and I'd rather have been hanging out with my mates at home.

I agree with this, but bare in mind if he is self employed and doesn't pay through cms the chances are he will refuse to increase maintenance, and there is fa op can do about it. I've been in a similar situation and had to drop a day at work to facilitate and now can't work any overtime. Can i afford it? Not really, but luckily(?) I have some inheritance money which will cover the loss for a couple of years. It's really hard when you're trying to do it all yourself. That doesn't make it the step mums problem to solve though, it's the ex that's the problem.

OP’s aware that her children are regularly dumped on their stepmum, who doesn’t want this, which creates an atmosphere that upsets her children, yet she hasn’t changed the schedule.

John prioritises work over time with his children or giving his increasingly resentful wife a break.

Both parents are letting down their children, yet you’re making it an unrelated woman’s fault they’re unhappy? Why are you holding Sarah to a higher standard than these kids’ actual parents?

Exactly this. It's astonishing how many people on this thread think it's fine for stepmums to treat stepkids badly, whether making a point to the (deadbeat) dad or not.

Then Sarah needs to refuse to look after them from the off so alternative arrangements can be made. Not say she will look after them then dump them when a better offer comes along. Just like the dad shouldn't say he'll have them and then palm them off on someone who clearly doesn't care a jot about their feelings.

I'm not holding her to a higher standard. They all sound pretty awful.

Hopefully the mum will change the custody arrangements so the kids aren't regularly dumped in a household that doesn't want them.

Well it would depend on what felt convenient and feasible at the time. If the aquarium goers felt they would be overwhelmed with the extra two and they were happy to go to dad's work then it's fine.

As long as the children not going weren't desperate to do so and flatly denied. And that they get other opportunities to do fun stuff with both their parents.

It does depend on the dad's workplace though. I mean some wouldn't really be suitable for kids or would just be really boring.

We have no idea what happened, just the kids’ second-hand perspective. For all we know, this trip could have been planned for months and Sarah’s repeatedly told John he needs to find alternative childcare instead of dumping the kids on her like usual.

You're surmising and blaming Sarah. He may have just fucked off without mentioning it to Sarah, who already plans for the day.

But presumably you'd have found it less fantastic if you knew your sibling was meanwhile having a grand day out you weren't deemed worthy of.

Well the obvious losers in this situation are your poor kids. I do wish women would think long and hard before taking on a man with young kids and vice versa. You can argue the toss all day long as to whether the parent should step up, but it's the kids that suffer, especially when they have half siblings. It's cruel and Sarah should be thoroughly ashamed

Questions ..
Were the older children invited?
Did the older children say that they didn't want to go?
Was the aquarium trip focussed on very small children?

All of the above would be fine to leave kids with their Dad.
If the kids wanted to go, were invited and if the activity was one directed at their age level, then Sarah should have included them.

Also from Club Blended Family here - you can always tell which posters have been on the boot end of this kind of arrangement and which haven't.