What do you think of this situation? unreasonable or normal?

[inapickle99]

Sarah and John have a young child together (3) and John has two older children (7&9) who stay with them 40% of the week. They have been together for 5 years.

John is self employed and was working at the weekend, Sarah was at home with all children. Sarah invited to go on a day out with her sister and niece and agrees. She drops off two step children with their dad to spend the day at his work with him and goes with their joint child on the day out (to an aquarium).

Do you think this is reasonable? No option given to the other children to go along.

On the basis of this post alone, it would seem pretty cruel of Sarah to take just one child, and dump the other two. Especially if she's been in their lives for pretty much all their living memory, particularly the younger one.

But I suspect there is a LOT more to this story. Like why is the father of these two children leaving them to go to work? Why isn't he caring for them? I would guess there's a lot of history of the father suddenly being "busy" when it's his turn to have his children, and leaving all the childcare to Sarah.

I'd be interested to know Sarah's interpretation of this.

Utterly mean.

If Sarah posted here, I bet it’d go something like this:

I have two stepchildren, here 40% of the time, and a toddler. I get no time off because DH chooses to work on the weekend and I’m left looking after SC, who are lovely, but hard work. AIBU to think he should change his working pattern or contact schedule?

The response would be a resounding YANBU.

God, it sucks being a stepkid. The golden child gets a trip to the aquarium while they have to hang out with their dad at work. Blended families are the worst (speaking from experience, I come from one).

That's the sad thing about it - the only people who suffer in the end are the children.

I'm sure Sarah does love the children, but she's probably also sick to the back teeth of always getting stuck doing the sole parenting for 3 kids, 2 of which aren't hers.

Yes, she knew that going in, that he was a package deal. But I'm certain he lured her in with the whole "the kids are my world" spiel. Despite what people say, most women don't procreate with men whom they've already seen be total deadbeat dads, unless they've got issues of their own. Which I'm sure OP would have mentioned, if Sarah had.

OP, I'm not really sure if there's anything much you can do about it. Although, certainly in the case of the 9yo, they'll start making their own viewpoints known soon enough. Kids aren't daft. They can tell when they're not someone's priority, and they'll stop wanting to spend time with that person.

You should probably stay out of it but it really does suck for the kids. The worst thing that happened to me was my stepdad and mum took my younger brother (my stepdad's son) on the trip-of-a-lifetime to Australia and left my sister and I with grandparents. As a mum myself now, I cannot believe my mum actually thought that was OK.

The golden child?!?! Or the child who actually belongs to the parent who is taking the trip to the aquarium?!

Why is this not on the dad? Why is he not taking his own kids to the aquarium rather than fucking off to work?!

The OP has clearly stated that he leaves it on his wife all the time. She, the ex, the mother of the children, has been absolutely plain about that. Sarah is not the parent. So why she is receiving the lions share of condemnation from people - well theres only one reason isn't there.

That's irrelevant from the POV of the kids who are (consistently) being left out of 'family' trips and events.

But it's not irrelevant from the point of view of objective adults who know, but are choosing to ignore, that the step mother isn't the actual problem.

Well then that is on their mum and dad to sort out isn't it?

If the kids are (consistently) at their dads whilst he is at work then they need to arrange a different contact schedule as it's pretty fucking pointless (not to mention unfair on the step-mum!) to keep dropping them off when their dad isn't even around!

It's all the Dad's fault.

Good for Sarah.

Just because you marry someone with children, it doesn't mean they can palm you off with their kids while you go to work. Not without discussion and agreement.

Does he spend many days with the 3 children while Sarah works?

But this post is about the kids struggling. The dad sounds shit, for sure. But it's the kids who are being upset by all this.

OP, if he’s consistently dumping the children on his partner like you say, why haven’t you changed the contact schedule?

Is it because it’s convenient for you too, and normally Sarah provides high quality free childcare for you both?

No judge would agree to a schedule that dumps kids on an unwilling third party.

So it’s up for their parents to improve the situation, isn’t it?

Yes, which means all three of them.

Well no, there are only two parents.

No, Sarah isn’t their parent.

She took on that responsibility when she married their dad.

Obviously that doesn't mean he should be dumping the kids on her. But if she didn't want to be a stepparent or have any responsibility for his children, she shouldn't have married a man with kids.

No, she didn’t. She’s not legally or in any sense a parent or responsible for them.

But it isn't on her to decide or agree a contact schedule for the children!!!

If the dad is working on weekends and "Sarah" is looking after them, then the mum and dad need to come to an agreement where the kids stay at other times when their dad is around!

Wow. I revert back to my original point - this is why it sucks to be a stepchild.

she displayed admirable agency here by not taking the two children.
We have no idea (except OPs update which was good) how the situation arose, but we can make an educated guess.

And it is right that OP addresses this with the children's father.

And other pp are right - the casual misogyny on here is gob-smacking.

I’d speak to dad about impact on kids - they were subdued and had a crappy day sat at work and knew half sibling was on a fun day out. I’d say if he’s working weekends you want to renegotiate contact arrangements.