To take the money??

[Clobberdobber]

I feel a bit conflicted. My eldest has just turned 18 and my sister (who I am very close to) has presented us with a large sum of money for him, and I’m conflicted about whether I should take it.

The background is, without my knowledge, she set up a trust for my family years ago. Over the years she’s added to it and the investments have done well so it’s now a large 6 figure sum. It’s not in the kids’ names (I also have a daughter, 16), it’s for me and my husband but explicitly to use for the kids. She has done very well in life, she sold her business for quite a lot and put some of that aside for my kids. Her own kids have trust funds and things (I assume much more than for my kids) and have been privately educated etc. She offered to pay for private school for my kids but we said no.

We don’t come from money or anything so no inheritances for either of us. Not sure that’s relevant but bigger picture as to why she wanted to share something with my kids who she is very close to.

Anyway the money is in my name because she thinks (probably rightly) giving a stack of cash directly to an 18 year old could be a bad idea. So I can choose to keep it invested for later (he can buy a house) or use it to pay his uni outright (no debt). Or I can give it directly to him (he’s sensible but still so young so I am against this idea). Daughter will get the same in 2 years. Trust stipulates use must be for kids so I can’t take it for myself, not that I would.

I’m worried about it all, maybe needlessly. It’s making me stressed that I hadn’t expected it, and also she doesn’t want to tell the rest of the family in case of jealousy. We also have another sister who doesn’t have kids but she always feels she’s left out because of this and would definitely want to know where ‘her’ money was. Sister says if Sis2 had kids she’d have put money for them too but she doesn’t want to give handouts to a grown adult who has already made their way in life. She also hasn’t told her husband / my brother in law. The way she saw it was the money came from her business, it was put in a trust (not marital assets). He would definitely be funny about it - he doesn’t like the idea of sharing their / her money (their household money has all come from her business, again relevant only in that she hasn’t taken money off him to give to me). Not close to brother in law, I don’t like him, he’s a bully and unpleasant, but it still feels like something that could cause problems one day.

Basically any thoughts. Am I unreasonable to take the money?!

How nice of your sister! I would take it but keep it to get them through uni and started in life with a deposit for a flat.

I think it's a lovely thing for your sister to have done. It'll help your kids out so much and I think you really do have to take the money.

However. I do understand why you feel a bit blindsided. I think it would have been better if your sister had had a quiet word with you about it when she set it up, so you knew her intention. I have extremely wealthy in-laws and I can completely imagine them offering my kid/their GC large sums of money or luxury cars etc as an adult - this would make me uncomfortable because I know from experience there would absolutely be strings attached. I think if your relationship with you sister is mostly good and simple, then you probably don't have too much to worry about in that respect.

We had something similar not quite as much money but quite substantial, an uncle just included a huge cheque in my DD's birthday card. We rang him up thinking it was a mistake (added too many 0s!), but no it was for her. She just put it in the bank and kept it in savings. Six figures may have been different, perhaps keep it invested for him until he's 21, and use some of it to avoid university loans and to pay the fees and other expenses.

Crikey - take the money! I think you're mad to even consider not letting your kids benefit from this generous gift.

Absolutely take the money - you can't deprive your children of this hugely thoughtful and generous thing their aunt has done for them. The fact that she hasn't told her DH and doesn't want you to share this with wider family shows that she's done this for completely genuine and non-performative reasons too. That's what family should be about.

Keep quiet to those who don't need to know. Take the money, for your children. Your children will benefit hugely - that is all that matters. Your sister is incredibly thoughtful.

She did it for your children not, sounds like you are struggling with the thought she did it and you didn’t.

Keep most of it invested for a future deposit, take some of it to pay the parental contribution for university.

Do take out student loans, it's a cheap debt and he may never need to pay it off. Even if he doesn't need the money, he can put it in an ISA and get the interest.

Don't tell your DS and DD! And clarify with your sister that she won't tell them either. Glad to hear she's sensible enough to not hand it over to an 18 yo.

You need real financial advice from someone qualified though.

Me too. This thread just makes me really angry! I can't stand it when people have this attitude towards money as if it's unimportant.

It's yours to manage, not to refuse.

Personally I'd want to do a comparison between the benefits of paying off a student loan early, vs putting it into a house deposit.

Also OP, if you really want to refuse, but don't want to send it back to her, you can give it to me, and almost 40 year old millennial from a working class background who has saved every penny since she was 22, and still can't afford a decent house in the cheapest areas in the country!!

My reading ability clearly exceeds your manners.

I don’t see how it’s ’sort of’ your money.

I don't think it's your money to refuse. I guess you could ask your sister to hang on to it for longer until your kids find something they could use it for rather than squandering it on holidays and clothes. But ultimately if you do decide to hang on for it until they say need a house deposit you don't need to tell anyone and it could be you or her that hangs on to it.

The whole "secrecy" issue would worry me more. Keeping stuff secret from your spouse and your other family members, that is not a good way to go. Secrets have a habit of escaping and when they do it could cause chaos.

I'm pretty sure of the responses and how it would go if there was a thread "my husband is hiding money from me for purpose x".

Id take the money for the DC
And I'd have to come up with some sort of story to tell DC about where the money had come from - if DSis doesn't want them to know. Lottery win or something.

My only issue would be if the money pot gets spent by you/DS and then in two years time for what ever reason your DD doesn't get her pot (family fall out, death, divorce whatever) as that would be awful so I'd be tempted to keep quiet to DS about the sum until DD got her trust. I'd discuss all this with my DSis to keep them in the loop may be couching it in terms of DS needing to be more mature (whether he does or not!) or release small amounts for eg a car

It’s a lovely and generous thing. Perhaps chat with your sister about some options she’d like to see it used for such as uni/house deposit - what would she like to see it used for?

I think the sensible thing to do is put it towards their first home considering house prices are getting crazier but perhaps waiting until a time they are financially stable to secure a mortgage, settled in work/career - perhaps wouldn’t benefit them to disclose it to them prior to deciding on mortgage/house in order to stop them over stretching themselves in a mortgage.

Not really for you to decline it. If your DCs struggle in the future and find out you refused the money on their behalf, it could cause your future relationship with them to fracture. Maybe it’s more about pride that you’re contemplating not taking the money? I can see how it might make you feel that you’d rather be the one helping them than your sister, so might feel a bit that it would make you feel an inadequate parent, which obviously isn’t the case.

If I had that sort of money I would definitely do the same for my nieces and nephews. It's a lovely idea, very generous and good for all concerned. I would be deeply hurt if their parents refused the gift. One difference: I think I'd give some to the adults too. For most people, there's not a lot of spare cash when you're bringing up children.

Why would you not take it? She saved it for them, what an amazing woman! I wish she was my sister! If I were her I'd be very offended if you turned your nose up at it and why on earth you would do that I cannot understand not giving your DC a house deposit in todays world...

Just sit on the news for a while, no need to rush to a decision until the kids are old enough to have the money anyway. I'm sure you will realise it is a wonderful thing. My advice is use it for uni and/or house deposits and nothing else, have a clear plan or it can end up getting frittered away on X or Y holiday that the kids (as young adults) might like to take. If you present it as 'the money is to be saved for X' then less likely to be viewed as a slush fund.

It's not yours to refuse. It sounds like you have essentially been appointed as a bare trustee and you are obliged to manage the money for the benefit of your children as stipulated by the trust. If you can't cope with that then your sister can (I assume) appoint an alternative trustee. If she has created a valid trust she probably can't even take it back for herself.

This is going to blow a hole in your family. You and your children are basically being asked to lie to your sister, and to your brother in law.

One day it will all come out.

Also, surely if she sold a business within the marriage, it was marital assets?

I’d love to be able to do this for family members. Take it- she obviously wants to help them, and how wonderful to be able to do something significant for loved ones.

Just seems a bit complicated to me. Your BIL and other sister aren't to know?..???????
Be prepared for future disharmony

To be clear, it's not up to you whether you take the money for your children or not. It's up to them.

It seems like you and your husband have been made Trustees for your children's trust, if I'm reading this right. (You are not beneficiaries, they are.) That is the only choice you have.

But, and it's a big but - when was your sister's business sold? Because if it was a while into her marriage, your brother-in-law may have grounds to say she has hidden some of the money from him.