To take the money??

[Clobberdobber]

I feel a bit conflicted. My eldest has just turned 18 and my sister (who I am very close to) has presented us with a large sum of money for him, and I’m conflicted about whether I should take it.

The background is, without my knowledge, she set up a trust for my family years ago. Over the years she’s added to it and the investments have done well so it’s now a large 6 figure sum. It’s not in the kids’ names (I also have a daughter, 16), it’s for me and my husband but explicitly to use for the kids. She has done very well in life, she sold her business for quite a lot and put some of that aside for my kids. Her own kids have trust funds and things (I assume much more than for my kids) and have been privately educated etc. She offered to pay for private school for my kids but we said no.

We don’t come from money or anything so no inheritances for either of us. Not sure that’s relevant but bigger picture as to why she wanted to share something with my kids who she is very close to.

Anyway the money is in my name because she thinks (probably rightly) giving a stack of cash directly to an 18 year old could be a bad idea. So I can choose to keep it invested for later (he can buy a house) or use it to pay his uni outright (no debt). Or I can give it directly to him (he’s sensible but still so young so I am against this idea). Daughter will get the same in 2 years. Trust stipulates use must be for kids so I can’t take it for myself, not that I would.

I’m worried about it all, maybe needlessly. It’s making me stressed that I hadn’t expected it, and also she doesn’t want to tell the rest of the family in case of jealousy. We also have another sister who doesn’t have kids but she always feels she’s left out because of this and would definitely want to know where ‘her’ money was. Sister says if Sis2 had kids she’d have put money for them too but she doesn’t want to give handouts to a grown adult who has already made their way in life. She also hasn’t told her husband / my brother in law. The way she saw it was the money came from her business, it was put in a trust (not marital assets). He would definitely be funny about it - he doesn’t like the idea of sharing their / her money (their household money has all come from her business, again relevant only in that she hasn’t taken money off him to give to me). Not close to brother in law, I don’t like him, he’s a bully and unpleasant, but it still feels like something that could cause problems one day.

Basically any thoughts. Am I unreasonable to take the money?!

Imagine if you did decline it, few years down the line children are struggling to get together a deposit for a house, you will regret turning down a very kind and generous offer.

Also 100% with your sister in that it is not her place to financial help grown ups.

It's not for YOU, it's for your kids. I can't imagine turning this down - think of the fabulous start you can give your children?

Don’t take it.
Tell your kids in about 20 years’ time how much money they missed out on, and how it could have helped their lives.
Then prepare for a lonely old age. ☹️

I don’t think that was the offer. It was conditional on being kept secret, rightly or wrongly.

Not at all!! This is a wonderful act of love and generosity from your sister. If I were you, I would invest half in a pension fund for myself and my husband, and the other half in an investment fund (like S&P 500) for the kids. It’s fair she doesn’t want this to be made public, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with keeping finances private.

She can’t invest half for yourself - the sister has explicitly requested it’s used only for the kids.

You need to view it as your son's money with you as a trustee. You sit down with him, tell him about the money, and he can thank his aunt. He can then ask for it as he wishes and you can release money if and when you think it's appropriate. So if he asks for it for uni you might think this is appropriate, but a gap year not. He might want the money for a house or driving lessons, have regular discussions about his aspirations and guide him.

What a bloody gem of a sister. Take the money.

I agree with others. Life is hard for younger ones nowadays and only going to get harder. Absolutely take the money, why wouldn’t you want this for your children? Your sister sounds lovely. And honestly, if your other sister finds out and kicks off, it’s not really up to you to deal with that, let your sister who gifted the money take the consequences. I’m sure she’s already mentally prepared for that down the line.

Not for her son, he’s 18 and legally an adult. Imagine trying to explain to him that you’ve made adverse decisions about his money.

We have done the same for our (technically my) niece and nephew, and it’s been kept secret too. We are very close and want them to have some of the financial advantages that their (very, very close) cousins enjoy as our children. Their mum is aware on some level that the children have/will have something. It sounds like a similar situation to yours.

Please take the money, it will hugely benefit your children and their futures. Does your sister want them to know it was from her? Otherwise, do they even need to? Our plan is that when niece or nephew come to a milestone, as far as the kids are concerned, their parents will pay X and we will pay Y. The bulk of X will actually come from us, but the kids don’t need to know that. As far as they’re concerned, our contribution will be less than that of their parents.

Money isn't everything. Making your own way in life is often more important.

Not these days. Young adults need all the help they can get. Would you like to explain to your children that a house deposit was on offer to them but you turned it down behind their backs?

I don't believe this. Nobody is THIS odd. So your sister is gifting both of your children a massive amount of money - a house purchasing money and maybe even more, and you want to refuse, because.... I don't even understand why, tbh. Your other sister? BIL?

Don't be crazy. And if you do refuse, I hope your children doesn't know about it. If my auntie was so amazing to share her wealth and gift me a house and my mother simply refused (for actually whatever reason, unless is something really awful) - I'd go no contact and she'd be dead to me. I'd take it as her being malicious and deliberately wanting me to suffer unnecessary hardship.

House deposits

They may never earn enough to pay back student loans so best use for housing

What a wonderful gift from your sister. Take the money for your children, thank her and let her know how grateful you are and respect her wish not to tell anyone. She sounds very generous.

Absolutely agree. Don’t use it for Uni- Martin Lewis is very clear about that. Absolutely use it for a home for them. Imagine knowing that your children will always have a roof over their head. I would consider putting the house in a family trust so it would be protected in the event of them ever being married and then divorced. What a lovely sister.

Then the mother should refuse and tell the aunt to deal direct with the children and keep control of the money herself. It would be unfair and probably impossible to place that burden of secrecy on the children.

This.

You should take the money as it will really help your kids get a start in life and things are bloody hard these days.

The thing I don't agree with unless your other sister is already doing well for herself, I think it's shitty of your sister to say because she has no kids then nothing for her. I'd feel really dissappinted in my sister if she cut the other out through not having kids.

Can’t you read?

Off course you should take it.

Op you absolutely should accept this gift for you children. It’s a wonderful thing for you sister to have done for them.

So you'd ignore all the love and happy times with your mum over a gift of money with strings. Im glad I brought up my dc better and to have more appreciation for the important things in life

Take the money and get some financial advice as to how best to look after the money until you feel your children are mature enough to deal with it. Or until they are ready to get on the property ladder.

It's a very nice thing for your sister to do