To take the money??

[Clobberdobber]

I feel a bit conflicted. My eldest has just turned 18 and my sister (who I am very close to) has presented us with a large sum of money for him, and I’m conflicted about whether I should take it.

The background is, without my knowledge, she set up a trust for my family years ago. Over the years she’s added to it and the investments have done well so it’s now a large 6 figure sum. It’s not in the kids’ names (I also have a daughter, 16), it’s for me and my husband but explicitly to use for the kids. She has done very well in life, she sold her business for quite a lot and put some of that aside for my kids. Her own kids have trust funds and things (I assume much more than for my kids) and have been privately educated etc. She offered to pay for private school for my kids but we said no.

We don’t come from money or anything so no inheritances for either of us. Not sure that’s relevant but bigger picture as to why she wanted to share something with my kids who she is very close to.

Anyway the money is in my name because she thinks (probably rightly) giving a stack of cash directly to an 18 year old could be a bad idea. So I can choose to keep it invested for later (he can buy a house) or use it to pay his uni outright (no debt). Or I can give it directly to him (he’s sensible but still so young so I am against this idea). Daughter will get the same in 2 years. Trust stipulates use must be for kids so I can’t take it for myself, not that I would.

I’m worried about it all, maybe needlessly. It’s making me stressed that I hadn’t expected it, and also she doesn’t want to tell the rest of the family in case of jealousy. We also have another sister who doesn’t have kids but she always feels she’s left out because of this and would definitely want to know where ‘her’ money was. Sister says if Sis2 had kids she’d have put money for them too but she doesn’t want to give handouts to a grown adult who has already made their way in life. She also hasn’t told her husband / my brother in law. The way she saw it was the money came from her business, it was put in a trust (not marital assets). He would definitely be funny about it - he doesn’t like the idea of sharing their / her money (their household money has all come from her business, again relevant only in that she hasn’t taken money off him to give to me). Not close to brother in law, I don’t like him, he’s a bully and unpleasant, but it still feels like something that could cause problems one day.

Basically any thoughts. Am I unreasonable to take the money?!

What a generous sister you have, she must love you and your children very much.

Please don’t turn down this incredible opportunity for your children that clearly comes from your sister’s heart. And please don’t let her feel like she’s done anything wrong for doing something so incredible.

Sorry if this has already beeen said, but surely your childen are the beneficiaries, not you?

Isn't the trust for their benefit, not yours?

If I were your kid and I found out you gatekept such a life changing gift that was never yours to refuse, I’d disown you. It’s not yours to decide whether to accept or not, it’s in your care to ensure it’s not pissed against a wall.

If I was independently wealthy and had my children all set for life the next people I would look to help would be my nieces and nephews, so unless there is something else going on I don’t understand why you wouldn’t take it, invest it for another few years and then when he’s looking at housing etc give it to him when he’s older and more sensible to manage it better.
My Auntie paid for two of her nieces/nephews to go to private school, she alongside her siblings including my Mother grew up in poverty but all did pretty well for themselves. 2 of my Cousins were offered scholarships to private school, but part fees had to be paid and my other Aunt couldn’t afford the fees for both so her sister helped her, no conditions, she herself only had the one child and she was probably the most well off out of the family due to investments etc.
I only found out at my Aunts funeral when my cousins said without her help they wouldn’t be where they were today.
You would be cutting your nose off to spite your face to decline it.

Why would you not take the money? Is it because you know it may make your children much better off than you and that makes you uneasy?

I had a similar-ish situation but a much smaller fund. The money was held by my parents, and could not be frittered away, only spent on "sensible" things.

I was told about the money, and was told that when I felt I had a need for it that met the criteria, to ask. I bought a piano keyboard with it, then when I finished uni I used to rest to buy a car.

So I guess you could do something similar, making it clear that whilst the money is theirs, it needs to have a clear purpose before being handed over.

Your sister is loving & generous and you should accept the money in trust on behalf of your children.

However the secrecy would make me feel uneasy. Secrets have a way of coming out, for example once your children are aware of their aunt's generosity might they not (either deliberately or inadvertently) let slip their good fortune to cousins or other family members and then word will get around?

I wish I had this problem. Just go with your gut. Good luck

I would say that it is not @Clobberdobber ‘s money to decline - it’s sister’s and then her children’s but not OP’s.

Sit down with your sister and discuss what you both think might work for your children, her niece and nephew. I would hold off giving the elder the cash until the younger is of age as that could really demotivate her with her A-Levels and degree pathway. Could you all wait until 21/25?

It's a very lovely thing to do for your children, what a great sister!

You have no choice. I’d never forgive my mum if she declined money on my behalf

What a wonderful and generous gift - yes you must take it and I would manage the trust until your children are old enough to use the money wisely to buy a house. If you can afford university without this money, of course!

If I was in your sister’s position I would be gutted if you said no. I would be immensely appreciative.

Take the money, get a financial advisor, use it for the kids

Lovely thing for your sister to do, accept it and your kids could put a deposit down on somewhere when they are older. Dont tell them until they get to 20+

Your sister has done a lovely thing and I would take it in the spirit it is offered and take the money. It will be a huge help to your kids I'm sure.
It's rather nice to hear from someone who has a rich relative who is doing the nice thing by sharing their good fortune. So many people seem to be more like your BIL.

Why are you agonising over this? It's got nothing to do with you. You sister has chosen to gift some money to your children when they're adults. You're just the administrator, because your sister rightly thought that giving a young person a lot of money could be potentially ruinous and/or a waste. Why on earth would you return it? Of course you wouldn't. Are you looking for some sort of moral issue (where there isn't one) or trying to present some weird reverse inferiority/superiority as a humble brag? If you genuinely feel uncomfortable, just remove yourself from the equation and ask your sister to appoint different trustees. It's not that big a deal

I'd let your children struggle through university including accumulating some debt, struggle through securing a job, and struggle to set up a home and establish a family. When the time comes to put down a deposit on a family home then release it to them. They need to understand that large amounts of money don't usually fall out of the sky, they need to understand what it is to start from scratch, budget, make sacrifices, work for what they have. It will make them more empathetic people (and also help them grow) and appreciate the value of the gift their aunt has given them.

And tell them not to let their uncle know where this money has come from. VERY weird that your sister hasn't told her husband she's done this.

I'm assuming that neither of your children are aware of the existence of this money? If this is the case, then don't tell them. I'd personally reinvest the money for at least another 5 years. It will make a very good deposit on a property for them, in the future. Being able to earn enough to buy a property, is going to become tougher in my opinion. It will give your children, a good starting point. I understand you feel awkward about keeping the knowledge of the money from your sister. However, if you do tell her, all that's going to do is cause your other sister and yourself grief. It's not worth it.

she might but you're being incredibly unfair on your kids. sorry you're renting and have huge student debt but I felt awkward resolving those issues with an act of genuine kindness and love.

you need to think what you'll tell the kids if they aren't to mention it to uncle or other aunt, but I think you shouldn't put your own discomfort ahead of the benefits to your kids.

given how much it is, I'd look at splitting it unequally 3 ways. a small pot for the Summer - do they want to travel? learn to drive? etc. Then cover a huge chunk of Uni fees and leave a decent amount left invested until they're older. then either release for a deposit or in it's entirety at 20whatever

It’s your children’s money, don’t refuse it!

I would save it for a house deposit for them.

I'd definitely accept it for my children. I'd also get financial advice as it may have inheritance tax issues (twice over? From your sister to you and then you to your children? Perhaps the trust covers that??). I wouldn't think twice about making life easier for my children - what a lovely sister! And, as to secrets, MOH doesn't know about my savings - sometimes you have to make difficult decisions.

OP, your DS has dine a really lovely thing for your DC, so take the money and keep it in trust until they need it for a deposit on a house or flat. It would be rude to your sister, and unnecessarily disadvantaging to your DC to do anything other than accept it with good grace. It’s your DS’s money to do with ans she likes, and it’s what she wants.

Ive heard although money doesn't buy you happiness, it does make things easier so if they can have an easy start to life then it's a no brainer!

I would let it stay put, not mentioning it because of family jealousy.

As and when DS and DD raised concerns about money, I’d release some to them without telling them where it’s from. It may mean they don’t need to get a job at Uni, for example, if you can send them an extra £200 a month.

Don’t tell one without the other as it’s a hard secret to keep.

When one of them is ready to buy a house, tell them both and give them the option of adding to it as a deposit, or paying off some student loan, or a bit of each.

It will be clearer by then which is the right way to go.

I’d probably put some into a LISA in their names as well.

Also, given BiL’s unpleasant nature, this is a much needed way for your sister to exercise some control in her life.