To think this is weird? Husband, his family and money.

[Aurielle]

my husband is great as his job - I’m so proud of him. He has had many promotions and obviously gets financially compensated for his hard work.

my husbands family - parents, aunts and uncles and siblings all ask about how much he’s getting, what his bonus is like, what our net worth is. My parents and family would never ask me such a thing.

sadly, some of the family are financially struggling too. I really hate to think they are asking how much he’s earning/what his worth is because they want money…

What if he wants to help his family out? Would you have a problem with him helping people he loves who are struggling?

Nosey bastards

I hope he doesn't answer them?

Nope! but we have helped them out where we can and been taken advantage of a couple of times.

we both came from families with not a lot and are trying to get ourselves on the property ladder. So yes, we help where we can but I have this horrible feeling they may expect more.

He has in the past because he felt so awkward! I told him now not to answer as it’s really no one’s business.

You can say ( or get him to say) “never discuss religion, politics, or money!” And trot out that phrase when they ask - with Mumsnet tinkly laugh!

Are they from a different culture/country? In many countries talking about money and salaries is quite normal. There isn't the same judgement around money and worth as in the UK. It's almost similar to talking about the weather, as in external conditions that impact you

I think feeling weird talking about money is solely a British thing. It's totally normal to talk about how much you earn, bonuses, job benefits where I come from (an EU country). Why wouldn't you? I'm not sure why the massive privacy around this in the UK. We should normalise talking about this.

I would fib and says it's less than it is. They don't need to know.

I agree with the ‘never talk about money..’, or if they ask, immediately deflect with a question of your own ‘How’s little Johnny doing at school etc’.

It might be cultural. We have never discussed money either. It’s the British way to avoid talking about money, religion etc. I imagine they are building up to asking for more bailing out. You need to become far more comfortable with saying no. Simply say you are just about to buy a house and can’t offer any help at the moment.

They need to address their own financial struggles by taking on extra work etc.

Hi @Aurielle
"This conversation always makes me uncomfortable. We have decided that we dont talk about work when we are relaxing"

They can't argue with what you have decided. Don't be blindsided.

Best wishes
X

We had similar - my husband earns very well (I earn well but no where near as much!), the second it became a bit more obvious in our lifestyle we had people enquiring 🙄 we just don’t say now, or trot out the same lines like “not well enough to keep up with festivebaubles shopping” or similar (normally gets a laugh and convo moves on). We did try the redirecting and asking them at first or just ignoring, but it got so awkward and they kept asking so we’ve moved to jokes.

Would depend why they were struggling of course, think @FestiveBauble has the best answer. Get the tinkly laugh on point @Aurielle !

I'm British and I don't think it's anyone else's business what I ordered my partner earns...why do they need to know? I didn't even know what my ex earned, as long as he paid his way and contributed equally that's all I was interested in

But that’s not British culture. So why should we Brits normalise it?

Fine if that’s your culture, have at it.

Another here who doesn’t see why we should normalise talking about what we earn, bonuses etc. These do seem like private matters to me. It does occasionally come up with family etc as appropriate but as a general thing to talk about - no. Why do i need to know what other people earn? Why do they need to know what i earn?

It is a British thing and actually I think it disadvantaged me. My parents took it to such a level that they never discussed money, finances, budgeting etc with me as a child or teenager. I was TOTALLY clueless. My in laws are much more open and there has been a bit of adjustment both ways with them realising that I cringe when money is discussed and remembering not to ask me and me trying desperately to be a bit less uptight about it when they do 😂

I do actually want to get better at having open discussions so my kids get used to us discussing how much money we have and how we are budgeting/investing/feel happy spending so that it becomes something they are aware they need to think about

@Autumn38 - yes, that’s definitely too far. I do discuss what i earn with my DCs precisely for reasons of budgeting etc but they can be discussed without sharing information about earnings in any case.

Yes why does British culture have to change to adapt to others? My friends and family would not discuss this either. This scenario seems very weird to me. Think I like our British culture on this actually. Avoids boasting and making people feel inadequate.

I broke up with my lovely ex over a similar situation. I was earning about a quarter of what he was and owned my own home, he had a room in a flat share because he was sending around a thousand pounds a month back home to support his parents and his grown up married sister.

He was sacrificing our future for them, I couldn't come to terms with it. Yes they came from a culture where talking about money was more open, but that's only because the patriarch would then tell you who was obliged to do what.

I’m British and pretty open about this to anyone who asks. My family ask because they’re proud of how well we’re doing and that it’s better than they were earning at my age.

I also don’t see why people are so coy about it. My money is mine to do as I see fit with, and the number on my payslip and in my bank is not a measure of my worth as a human. But I would also openly talk about my weight which is also frowned upon culturally. To me, it’s just data to which I prescribe no emotion. I know others feel differently though, but I do think it’s weird when people are obsessively private about their financial affairs.

I agree entirely with this, other values and cultures are not necessarily better. I like the decorum and respectful way the British consider other people’s feelings. I wouldn’t change it at all.

I wonder if it something to do with the very ingrained class system. We don’t need to know what someone earns because we are so attuned to class markers that it sort of becomes irrelevant. I don’t care what you earn but I’ll be able to place your class in about 5 seconds flat….

There’s a huge difference between being open about money to your partner and teaching children about budgeting, and informing extended family and friends about your salary. I’d be shocked and repelled if someone I didn’t live with told me what they earned, so I’d agree that jokes to turn that off are best. But I’ve done budget spreadsheets with ds and explained financial decisions/ payslips to him since he was mid teens.

I never really get why people are private about what they earn. Its not like its terribly hard to guess, there are salary guides all over the Internet and jobs get advertised with salaries on them etc.

Companies rely on people being secretive about pay as a way to keep wages down - if you knew tim in accounts was on 5k more than you you'd ask for a raise.