Jealous of friend's engagement

[PlumKoala]

Been with boyfriend for almost 10 years. He knows I want to get married but I'm still waiting on a proposal and I don't see any sign of it coming. Lived together for 5 years and have built an amazing life together. We laugh every day and are there for each other emotionally. Not a perfect relationship but we love each other deeply. Tonight our friends got engaged and my initial reaction was jealousy and sadness. Am I being unreasonable to feel this way? I'm super happy for them but I resent my boyfriend for making me wait and at this stage I feel it may never happen. Is marriage that important? I know plenty of people who are in loveless marriages, so why do I feel this way?

Just have a conversation.

In my opinion if a man loves his girlfriend enough, and wants to marry her, he doesn't wait 10 years+ to propose. Have you sat and had a proper discussion regarding marriage in recent times? Have you spelt it out to him? Unless you have an open and honest conversation with him, then you aren't going to know his feelings on the subject. The fact he hasn't proposed suggests to me that he doesn't want marriage, he's happy as the relationship is.

Not unreasonable to be jealous at all.

One question though, how old are you?

I was with my DH for 7 years before he proposed BUT we met at 19. We had some growing up to do and some degrees to finish first.

Have you been together since very young?

IME though couples who were still unmarried at 10 years fell into 3 camps;

1. happily not married and still decades later unmarried (or if they are married for tax purposes never told anyone)

2. broke up around the 10 year mark when one of them admitted they didn’t see themselves marrying their partner

3. married but divorced soon after with one party feeling they were ‘forced’ into it

Yes marriage is important, IF it is important to you. You feel this way because you want to be married and your boyfriend is not on the same page. Plenty of people are very happy and content not to be married. But if you want to be married and he knows you want to be married it is quite sad and very telling that he hasn't yet proposed. (Assuming this 10 years didn't start when you were 13 or something silly!)

Have you asked why he hasn't proposed?

Has he ever expressed an interest in being married?(ie. Are you actually compatible with your life plans?)

If you are unhappy about your situation you need to communicate about it, and make a decision. Is marriage a deal-breaker for you? You say you resent your boyfriend for not yet proposing. I believe this resentment is only likely to grow and may well eventually kill the relationship anyway. But you need to communicate, get to the bottom of why there has been no proposal and if it's not forthcoming, move on.

Marriage was extremely important to me and I love being married and feel much more secure now than when I did as a girlfriend living with my boyfriend.

Ask him to marry you then - you don’t have to wait like a lemon 🍋

Why have you gone 10 years without discussing marriage?

Yes it was wonderful thankyou! I proposed on the Palentine hill, overlooking the Colloseum when we were alone. My original idea was to propose at the Colloseum, but it was too busy, and I chickened out. He was actually surprised and said yes straight away, I'm really glad I did it as big romantic gestures is more my "thing" and I'm not sure DH would have done the same, apparently he was thinking about proposing though.

My mum quickly got over it when we came back engaged, and she had a wedding to help plan. 12 years happily married and one DC.

I definitely advocate proposing or basically doing any gender role that has been deemed blue (and pink if you're a man) if you want to do it. I proposed because I was the first one to realise that is where I wanted the relationship to go next after years of getting careers off the ground and moving across the country about 3 times. I'm not a passive person and DH is very laid back so I knew it would take him longer to even think of getting married and I couldn't just wait around naval gazing, I'd rather just propose myself than hint. 😅 Also I got a really great engagement anecdote!!

Don’t be jealous of your friend, this has nothing to do with them & they haven’t taken anything away from you. This is a problem solely with your own partner, you might need a frank chat with him about your shared future. You might strongly want to get married but he might be forcing your hand to not bother if that makes sense.

Talk to him and say you want to set a date for a wedding and get it booked?

Men are so bad at seeing our needs. Tell him that he would make your life complete, with a proposal like your friend. Good luck

I think men can be really blinkered about marriage and why women might be more bothered about it. You need to have an honest conversation about what you want and why.

Have you discussed having children? If it's something you're both keen on, I'd make it clear that that's not happening without getting married first.

Or at least get a civil partnership so you are protected, he could dump you any minute and you would have nothing from him.

Why on earth, in 2025, is any woman waiting for her man to propose to her?

@PlumKoala I don't know if you are coming back to this thread, but why are you not telling your boyfriend you want to get married? Or proposing to him?!

I have a friend who is a young woman, (35,) and she's been with her boyfriend for 12 years since she was 23 and he was 25. Rented a house together for 3 years, then bought a house after 5 years together. 3 years later, upsized to a bigger house.

She has wanted to get married since about a year after they met, and has told him so, but he keeps saying 'hmmm, maybe one day... maybe....' She wants a baby, and he says 'hmmm we'll see........'

She is wasting her fertile years and the best years of her life, on this numpty who won't marry her. She has asked him, and he said (whilst laughing!) 'fuck off I'm not having my woman propose to me LOL!!!!'

DO NOT be this woman @PlumKoala Any man who refused to marry me - even after 4 or 5 years together, could get in the bin.

@Whatwerewetalkingabout Fabulous! That sounds truly lovely. And I totally agree with you on the advocacy point. Hope you get to go back to the Palentine Hill in the future and revisit those fab memories. How gorgeous! 💜(It's purple because, y'know, emperor colour!)

Came here to say exactly this.

I proposed to DH. He accepted so I asked him to get down on one knee and do it properly. So he got out of bed and did as instructed. At which point I graciously accepted.

So it was important to you that it was done 'properly' in your eyes?

Tell him you’re getting married or you’ll be leaving. And then plan the wedding.

If you really care about the proposal (which I can’t see why you would given it’s sort of too late to really mean anything now, but I get some people care), then give him a deadline as you won’t be waiting around for someone who doesn’t care enough to legally commit.

But if you stay and continue as you are not married, why would he change his behaviour?

I wouldn't wait endlessly for a man to ask me to marry him. I'd have a discussion about what I wanted from the relationship.

I proposed to my husband. He had to accept because otherwise I would not have any more reasons to stay in the UK. Married life is the best reason to stay here. A playing up boyfriend - not.

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked by now.

I’ve thought about this some more… in a relationship where you aren’t partners because his opinion about marriage is more important than yours, did you also wait for him to ask you to rent a home together? Did you wait for him to ask you to buy a house with him? To get a joint account?

I don’t quite understand it as we make so many joint decisions about our lives between me and DH, I genuinely can’t imagine having a joint goal where I sit patiently waiting for him to initiate it making it happen.

FWIW, I said to DH many years ago that after we’d bought our home I wanted a legal basis for our relationship. He agreed it was sensible, so we booked our wedding.

I’m so sorry, I can completely understand that you will be feeling this way.

I’d tell him I’m taking him out for brunch (so no alcohol). Once you’ve ordered tell him ‘we need to talk’. Explain that you see marriage (and children?) in your future. That you are sad that he has not proposed in ten years and you want to know what he’s thinking. That he’s had ample time to plan a romantic proposal and engagement of his own timing and choosing.That that time has now passed.

Is he ready to set engaged, set a date and get on with it? Because you are and have been for x years. If he’s NOT ready now - and there’s no reason to think he will be at any point in the future - then you have a choice to make.

No, it was a joke.

A friend once confided in me that her long term partner (of 30 years) didn’t want to marry her. They had a house together and she did get pregnant once but lost the baby and he was equally upset (she has a child from a previous marriage, he was married once but no children).
She felt that it meant that he wouldn’t ultimately commit. That deep down he didn’t love her as much as she hoped he did. He knows she would like to be married. It’s not just a piece of paper, but making a public declaration of love and commitment.
Another friend was with her partner for a number of years. She had to push him to live together, she had to push him to get married. They’ve been together for decades now with three grown kids, but she said it did harden her heart towards him; that she felt she had to drive the relationship forward.
People want to be wanted. Yes you could ask him. But it’s lovely when you are with someone who really wants to be tied to you, legally as well as emotionally.