Fed up with men not being held to the same standards re. aging

[Whatlovedoes]

I’ve just given my DH an earful watching I’m a celebrity. He commented on one of the female cast - ‘younger me knocked many a one out over her in the page 3 days’ followed by ‘she has let herself go now though so I don’t think I’d be repeating those days’.

Why is it so accepted that men will age and it’s to be expected they’ll be grey etc, but women have to face such negativity/criticism?

DH is under no illusions that he is a silver fox. Poor love, he's going bald. I am no oil painting either and getting very squishy in my middle.
Luckily neither of us is interested in pulling underwear models.

Silver foxes are extremely rare.

It’s usually bitter men, who couldn’t pull the pretty girl when they were younger, who are gleeful about women aging, and think that they suddenly have the upper hand. They are wrong. Men who are unattractive when they’re young, are usually even more unattractive as they age.

I don’t agree that the average man ages better than the average woman either. Often they lose their hair and put on weight. Women tend to put on weight with age too, but it’s more unattractive on a man as they’re supposed to have a lower body fat percentage, not be curvy.

I reckon about 1 in 500 men turns into a silver fox, and usually they are very good looking when they’re young.

I'd say you have bigger problems with living with someone who speak like that about any woman, not exactly a classy comment nor a great role model for children

Mind you the fact women think they look better with surgery to try and make themselves look better/younger where it makes them look worse than being themselves shows the delusion

The gross arrogance of declaring that someone 'has let themselves go' is so grim. Wtf?!

Life happens, time rolls on and we age with it. DP, who has seen me transition from 20 something sex-kitten to battle-scarred crone, still thinks I'm hot AF, at least in part because of how I wear my advancing years. But he respects women and the specific toll our sexed life experiences takes on our bodies.

Ugh your dh sounds like mine.Mine likes slim women even though he isn't and makes no attempt with his appearance.
Some men really do think women are there for their sexual pleasure.End of.
No idea how the woman feels how menopause affects us or any other aspect.

Well, I think it is the first time I have done so.

And I wrote what I thought - which is the point of Mumsnet, no?

I could ask 'why are some people so negative?'. But I won't.

Hope you have a good day.

Happily, I don’t know any men who behave like this and even MORE happily, your husband inflicted himself on you and not me!

To the "misery loves company" crowd, who enjoy chicken a lot more than pork it seems, beauty is subjective and it's likely why so many feel offended because all of the makeup, hair extensions, add-ons, etc. can't help their self-esteem anymore. Otherwise why would they feel the need for their vitriol? Again, you would think that people can't be suggesting "just move on" since it's obvious OP's husband has not left her for someone younger and more vibrant. He made a comment, likely never got addressed, but of course the topic at hand turns into the forum for lonely people to vent on and no one wants to be around them.

Your dh sounds like a dick. I have heard men talk about women letting themselves go and I agree that women are held to a higher standard. What some men fail to acknowledge is the toll of female hormones on the body, we grow humans inside ourselves and we have a lifetime hormonal rollercoaster. That makes us pretty amazing but also ravages our bodies in a way men just don't experience. Most men who gain weight do so through pure gluttony (beer usually) and they just have to look at a dumbell or go for a couple of jogs and the weight falls off. Not so for most women. We still live longer than them though.

I’m with you OP

It’s doubly annoying because it affects the workplace. Men can be a ‘silver fox’ or ‘distinguished’ but women must dye their hair, whiten their teeth, get botox, have a facelift, take the get-thin drugs,……

Disclaimer: Not condoning or anything, just observing.

It's not that women are held to a higher standard than men re aging, but that men's and women's value are measured differently to begin with.

A (large?) part of a woman's capital is her sex appeal, so when she loses that her perceived value goes down. Whereas with men it was always more traditional masculine traits (for example strength, status), so they don't lose as much value when their looks go downhill.

People of both sexes absolutely do talk about others 'letting themselves go', its more visible with women in terms of women's need or desire to do things to cover that over, men dont bother but suffer quite a lot of shame about losing their hair for example. However, they would be mocked and ridiculed if they wore a hair piece whereas we can wear wigs, extensions etc, make up and its fine

There was a thread here the other day mocking some bloke for standing on his toes in pictures. Not related to aging of course but people do comment horribly on others appearances and make fun of them or point out that they look older.

It’s not about ageing better. The issue is that visibly ageing at all is frowned upon in women in a way it isn’t in men. And not just by men, but by women too. Women can be horribly judgemental of other women who go grey, don’t get botox/fillers etc.

My late husband wasn't always a nice person, in fact we had a miserable marriage for most of it, but one thing he never did was talk to me in such a disrespectful manner. He may have done so with mates, but never, ever in front of a woman.

That aside, I think society in general is a lot to blame. Were daily fed this notion that beauty for a woman is glossy hair, lithe body, flawless skin etc. Social media has made it worse, as have filters and photo editing, which show women these unrealistically perfect faces and bodies (that usually aren't so perfect in real life and without layers of cosmetics). Men don't get the same ideals to live up to. When a woman ages naturally, she's not seen as beautiful for her age. We're given no allowances for menopause. Instead we're expected to keep looking like a 25/30yo for ever, encouraged to have fillers and Botox or tweaks. Men meanwhile are seen as gaining character when they get a few lines, or their hair turns grey. It's just more misogyny and I doubt it'll ever change.

Kelly Brook still looks stunning and she's 45 now. Your husband is an arse and a pig.

Same last week when Sara Cox challenged the "women of a certain age" trope
when are men ever described as "of a certain age" ?

See also
mutton dressed as lamb
Frumpy
And worst, "Karen"

Exactly.
Getting over what he said and getting to the actual point women are expected to remain forever "attractive". We were watching tv and dh said "ooh she's aged", can't remember who it was, i just looked at him said haven't we all. He floundered a bit and then apologised.
I find it irritating when you see pictures of famous people and the first comment is always how they look and what they're wearing never about whatever it is they've accomplished.

Also irritating:

’looks good for her age’…

DH often comments on the presenters on sky sports
The men are usually middle aged, but all the women are young and glamourous

Not sure on some of these comments, I have often commented on a male celeb looking old, it’s to do with I’ve not seen them for a long time and the years passing surprises me.

I fully agree some men only fancy young women, the ops partner being one of these shallow pigs, and I do agree men are often perceived to age better, the whole salt and pepper thing, but I also know many older women who are celebrated ie Gillian Anderson, Helen mirren, Jane Fonda etc, yes they’ve all had some work, but still look fab.

is it ageing in terms of getting fat etc that’s perceived as an issue, I suspect so, but that is for both men and women.

We need to make it clearer to men that they don't need to share all their thoughts. The way we don't.

The main problem is that your DH is a misogynistic arsehole. You are right that there's a lot of embeded misogyny in society and culture but you are part of the problem by having married and presumably procreated with a misogynistic arsehole. They will only die out if we stop breeding with them. Women also participate in the judgementalism of laying on the criticism of any woman over 30 who dares to stop looking like she's 25, and more of us should honestly live at the age we are and stop trying to mimic how we looked when we are young. The fundamental reason is that age brings wisdom and experience, and society values the wisdom and experience of males but despises the wisdom and experience of females, seeing females as only of value for their fertility and servitude which are more readily accessed when young so mimicking youth therefore makes a woman seem more valuable. There's no milage to a male mimicking youth because there's minimal additional value to a young man vs and old one.

There was a time when people had shame and common decency, so husbands with these thoughts would keep them to themselves.
I wonder how old he was, wanking over a 16 yr old.

To be fair there’s so much online about eg Horatio from csi Miami and how he’s aged- all women.

I don’t think this is some modern phenomenon, my husband wouldn’t dream of talking about who he wanked over, never has and can’t imagine ever would. And yeah I also wondered how old he was when he was mastuebating over a 16 year old.