To grey rock MIL

[AmberFlag]

I always had a good relationship with MIL... until I married her DS and gave birth to her GC. It's a tale as old as time really. It started with ridiculous stuff I just ignored, but a decade later and I've had enough, especially now she's upset DH as well. He still wants a relationship with her, which I respect, but I've said I'll only be visiting with him a couple of times per year - and won't have any contact with her aside from that.

It's sad, because I always thought we were close. She's essentially told DH this week she doesn't consider me to be part of her family and she doesn't like how much he does 'for me' (by this, she mostly means the school run). Add this to all the passive aggressive comments about how I'm harming my kids by working full time, not having my husband's tea on the table every night, etc, etc and I just feel done.

AIBU? Should I be able to suck this up? DH is supportive and says he doesn't blame me, but I guess people pleasing plus not wanting to make life difficult for DH is making me question everything.

i see no reason for you to have contact with her outside of face to face visits (unless she does childcare which im assuming she doesn’t). How many men have regular chats with their FIL? It’s just not an expectation for them. And if she’s a cow then all the more reason not to speak to her.

If she notices and makes a scene you could simply point out that you’re ‘not family’

We don't live close and she doesn't do any childcare. I had thought the same thing - I'm probably worrying about nothing, it's clear she's not bothered! I guess most of her updates about DC come from me though, as DH is rubbish at staying in touch. So if I don't stay in touch, she will probably feel cut off from us.

This is the result of being tolerant.
It bites you back harder.
Yanbu.
She is a CF commenting to your husband like that.
Time to tell him to contact her with updates.
Mute her.
Tell her you are too busy.
Avoid visiting her.
Hand her over to her son.

Sounds like she should have thought of that before being actively vile to you! No need for you to be in touch with her, she is DH's problem, and it is for him to keep her in touch about the GC if he wants to.

I don’t understand why you would be in contact with her when your dh could deal with contact. My pil never had my number, why would they? Let your dh contact her as necessary, no need for you to do that. Wife work!

It's a shit realisation this though isn't it?

That being a reasonable person only ended up causing you more hassle.

I have done all of the above. Guess I just needed some validation that I was doing the right thing, not being petty etc

DH can stay in contact and stop feeding back her stupid comments.

I am guessing she had not worked outside the home rather she and FIL agreed that she would be a housewife and look after the domestic and DH? (If not she is not just stupid but nasty)

So step back and let her "family" do the family "work" of visits and keeping her updated.

She is your DH's problem not yours - not your Circus not your Monkey's.

I have went low contact with my MIL and grey rock when I have to see her. Best decision for my mental health. The only effort I make regarding my MIL is trying to protect my children from her toxic behaviour

She doesn't see you as family, I see no reason why you would need to have any contact with her in these circumstances. Let DH deal with his own relationship with her and facilitate any contact with your children, if he chooses to. She'll probably find that he doesn't bother much and will come to regret her rejection of you. She'll reap what she has sown!

Is her husband still alive?
Or does she rely on your DH for anything? 🤔

Maybe she's a bit traditional in gender roles, but that doesn't excuse her being a twat with her snide comments. Fuck that shit. 😠

Let your DH deal with her from now on.
As another poster said, if your MIL complains, then just remember, you are not family, so she can swivel. 🖕
We don't reward bad behaviour in our house.
She can reap what she has sown 💥

@AmberFlag You have every right to feel pissed off. 💐

I've been repeating "not my circus not my monkeys" almost like an affirmation the last few days.

This is how I feel now, especially the bit about protecting DC. I do really feel for DH though, he doesn't deserve this.

What on earth is a grey rock?

She won't regret anything, that would require accountability 😂 what will happen is she will create a story in her head, where I have come between her and her DS. But I'm okay with that.

Well if you’re not considered family, then no need to treat her like family either. Redirect her to her actual family every time she wants to behave like family.

Well done.
You are not wrong.

Your husband could have put her firmly in her place and not told you about it.

He chose to tell you, for whatever reason.
The consequences are you now suit yourself completely.

Unfortunately this is a lesson most people learn at some point.

Its her loss.
You have been very very tolerant.
She had her chance.

He's still alive, but has the emotional intelligence of a wet paper towel. He's awful to be around and the whole family walks on eggshells around him. I think this is part of the problem. To them a woman just exists to keep her husband happy. It probably threatens their whole worldview to see DH playing an active role in raising our DC.

https://psychcentral.com/health/grey-rock-method

Thanks. I don’t think YABU re. your DMIL.

Fuck them both.
Let your hubby know that when the time comes, he can sort carers and nursing homes, as you are not their family and you have to work full time 😉

Definitely grey rock. Contemplating the decision might be stressful but carrying it out is very relaxing, very freeing. If she makes any comments about the lack of contact just that you’re sorry but you don’t have time for that because you’re too busy getting your husband’s dinner on the table for when he gets home 🤷‍♀️.

Love this 💯 😆 🍽 ❤️ 👏

So if I don't stay in touch, she will probably feel cut off from us.

Well well well, if it isn't the consequences of her actions.

This!

Consequences of her actions.

I’ve just read your post again and it sounds as though everything that has hurt you has come through your H. is that the case? It is spiteful and unnecessary to tell people things that will hurt them, are you sure that any of it is actually true? You said you used to get on with her.

You are not cutting her off, just limiting things to family gatherings. I do the same with my MIL. We are different people from different gens and I don't want to or need to be close to her.