To grey rock MIL

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I always had a good relationship with MIL... until I married her DS and gave birth to her GC. It's a tale as old as time really. It started with ridiculous stuff I just ignored, but a decade later and I've had enough, especially now she's upset DH as well. He still wants a relationship with her, which I respect, but I've said I'll only be visiting with him a couple of times per year - and won't have any contact with her aside from that.

It's sad, because I always thought we were close. She's essentially told DH this week she doesn't consider me to be part of her family and she doesn't like how much he does 'for me' (by this, she mostly means the school run). Add this to all the passive aggressive comments about how I'm harming my kids by working full time, not having my husband's tea on the table every night, etc, etc and I just feel done.

AIBU? Should I be able to suck this up? DH is supportive and says he doesn't blame me, but I guess people pleasing plus not wanting to make life difficult for DH is making me question everything.

Why is your husband transmitting her negative comments to you?

It just screams generational difference to me. Plus opinionated tactlessness. Let it float over your head - as long as your DC are happy her input isn’t an issue. I just accept in life that everyone has opinions - but some are better at keeping them to themselves than others.

these views could actually be your dh’s- there’s a chance he went to her giving out, as we all do. My mum once jokingly tried to change dh’s view on something I’d told her I wasn’t happy about. We all vent and family members rightly or wrongly try to help. Or maybe she’s seeing him as extra tired or something, mil once told me she was shocked how exhausted dh looked. It was true. That’s just life but maybe she’s trying to help.

YANBU. Sounds just like my MIL. I have to watch everything we say to her as it’s all stored and used for her next attack. Despite seeing me constantly running around trying to manage a baby, toddler and housework she makes endless comments about how much her poor DS does (he cooks dinner, that’s about it) and implies I do nothing and asks what I do with ‘all my spare time’!!!

I’m the only one who updates her on GC too. I used to send photos and got no response. So I stopped, then she complained to my partner that I hadn’t sent any photos for a while! So cheeky. So now I don’t send any. At the end of the day it’s his mum so it’s his choice if he wants to keep her updated.

It’s hard when you’re a nice normal person who wants to behave normally towards them but you have to keep that wall up and protect yourself.

I bet she'd be mortified if she knew your DH was telling you all this-why is he doing that? Those comments are for him only. I bet you occasionally say stuff about your MIL to DH not expecting him to repeat them all to her! I wouldn't grey rock anyone for hearsay comments, I'd just tell whoever was telling me them to stop tbh.

these views could actually be your dh’s- there’s a chance he went to her giving out

This is thr only explanation that makes sense of why dh repeats the comments to op.

"My mum says you should do more of the school runs" = "I'm whining that you should do more of the school runs".

Be more annoyed at your dh, op.

Yes, why on earth would he lie? He’s gutted by it.

I don’t see it as spiteful or unnecessary at all, I’d be furious if he didn’t tell me something like this and I was just carrying on blissfully unaware.

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The fact that you're concerned about the feelings of someone who clearly doesn't like you shows me that you're a decent person.

Your MIL is about to reap what shes sown, thats not on you, it's on her.

Take a step back, protect yourself, don't feel bad about her feelings, she doesn't care about yours, you're wasting your emotions worrying about her.

If she says anything just explain calmly.
"MIL, I've tried to have a mutually respectful relationship with you only to be met with unkind words and critism. I've been told that you don't consider me as family so I will now be taking a step back. Im sure you'll understand as you wouldn't put up the treatment that you've directed towards me"

I always sit on the fence when partners tell their OH what's been said about them.

1: Does the OH have a right to know, is it told out of a sense of loyalty and transparency?

2: Are the comments in reaction to what the partner is saying, moaning about their OH?

3: Why doesn't the partner shut that shit down at the first comment, why is it allowed to continue?

4: Is it to undermine the OH?

I don't tell anyone anything hurtful that's said behind their back, I would question the person who was saying it.

That said, definitely grey rock her and don't feel bad about the feelings of MIL or your DH, protect yourself 🥰

Why is everyone always so quick to jump on the husband when he’s done nothing wrong? MN is so strange for this.

He likes doing the school run, which is why he does most of them 😂 we have a healthy relationship, we communicate - if he wasn’t happy with something, he’d speak to me before going to MIL.

And he told me for two reasons. The first being he knows I’d want him to, and the second being he was upset/pissed off and wanted to talk to someone about it.

I don't think i would react the same way as you. I do think it sounds like generational differences and married to a man like your fil, a tough life for her.
My mil is the same, expects me to help out on the farm but also have homemade tray bakes and dinner on the table for her beloved son, whilst also holding down a job and raising 4 kids. I just laugh inside and pity her.
I don't have daily contact with her, but do maintain some contact while respecting my boundaries.
I think your mil would be shocked your son disclosed her private call.

Just read your update, I'd be the same, I'd want to know what's being said, although I wouldn't repeat anything said to me.
Only you know your DH's intentions, if they're good then that's great!
I'd still grey rock the miserable madam!

I think limited contact sounds a good way forward. Just be clear with DH that the onus is now on him to share updates/pictures etc and move on.

It’s lovely that you sympathise with your DH, but this is really on him to address with his M. He is tolerating her suggestion that you are not family and that he shouldn’t be ‘helping you’ with school runs etc. He should tell her what response that attitude is going to elicit.
She may have a rethink; she may not.

Either way, grey rock is the way to go for you. She’s his problem, not yours.

The trouble with the grey rock technique is that it assumes the aggrevator will just walk away peacefully & leave you alone. My SIL didn't, it infuriated her & made things worse. My honest advice would be to try it, but know before you start what you're prepared to ignore & if she crosses that boundary, hit back hard, immediately & decisively. You're showing them how you're prepared to be treated & grey rock can easily turn into permissive doormat if you don't execute it properly. And the hitting back MUST include DH completely withdrawing from her. Mine totally ignored his sister for a year, she then came creeping back & I've been successfully able to grey rock while they have a much healthier, boundaried (where our personal lives are concerned) relationship.

YANBU at all. I'd go as far as blocking her ability to contact me directly so she has to go through her son for updates and so on. I'd not want to know about any comments personally, I'd rather just live my life in peace pretending she didn't exist most of the time. Life is far too short to put up with shitty people ruining it.

It’s not your job to facilitate the relationship between your DH and his mother. If he drifts away, that’s on him.

Yes, my own MIL absolutely thinks I’m not family, a neglectful wife and mother because I work etc. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m quite fond of her despite her not returning the favour, and her bossiness and tactlessness. But relationships with his family are DH’s to manage.

Oh, he’s absolutely not tolerating it and he’s handled it with her directly. I’m not getting involved in that, this thread was more about my internal processing!

I am much much lighter for doing the exact same thing OP.
Be prepared for being painted as the bad DIL to family as long as your DH is on side its not too bad. My MIL tried to paint me as controlling, I was stopping her having a relationship with her GC etc etc. The story she has is very different to reality and DH has always been clear. He shuts down any other family members trying to guilt trip.
Reality I just stopped reminding my husband to call or sending her pictures and quietly backed away.

We still see her but very infrequently and always somewhere that has a time limit like a cafe as we find she behaves better in public (doesnt want to make a scene my MILis definitely narcissistic and barely has any relationship with either of her children). DH keeps her at arms length. I do not get involved at all with his relationship with her. It's up to the 2 of them.

Oh yes, I just know I’m already being painted as the evil DIL because DH called her out. I’ve seen how they speak about their other DIL when BIL did the same. Obviously he’d never do that if he didn’t have such a controlling wife 😆

Time to pull back op. She has made her position crystal clear. You aren’t stopping her seeing her son. Just let him get on with it and it sounds as if everyone will be happier.

Yes I was the same. I’d no pull at all to be close to her , she was ok but I’d no connection, I just happened to be in love with her son!

If she doesn’t regard you as family, I’d base your actions on that.
So your DH can deal with her.

You update her on the dc? Fuck that. You aren't a secretary..
If she can't respect you as dh's dw she misses out. Your dc certainly don't need her toxicity in the lives. In fact they need privacy form her judgemental eyes..
When things turned sour with dh's dps we agreed their names weren't to be mentioned in our home.
Been nc for nearly 11 years. Neither me or dh have any contact with them.

I have been in this situation myself. I was called cruel for putting my child into nursery, money grabbing for wanting to have a job of my own (bizarre eh?) and that I was going to turn my child into being an unhappy one.
I did tell her what I thought of her comments, and took an enormous step back. My husband did the same. I provided no updates of the children of anything. Our relationship has improved somewhat now but it never recovered as I can’t close that distance that she created between us.
DO NOT feel guilty for putting yourself and your family first.