To say 50/50 shared custody is selfish and horrible for children

[5050hell]

I spent my childhood doing 2/2/3. I have begged my partner should we end up divorcing that we never do this to our children. We are actually very happy together, this is only a worry of mine due to how much I hated it as a child.

Never spending more than 5 consecutive nights anywhere. Constantly packing a bag and having to drag it to school (as that was when switches happened, leave one house and go back to another). As I got older never having the clothes I wanted, or even the book I was planning on reading next. Trying to make plans with friends, then turning up at the other parents house only to be told that my Saturday was spoken for. Parents being difficult about sleepovers at friends as would be missing 'their' night. No flexibility, parents acting hurt if I didn't want to stick to the schedule. Not to mention my dad did not pay maintenance due to this arrangement, and certain things were supposed to be done turn by turn (ie. Dinner money, bus pass school trips) often spent so long arguing I never got them!

It's mainly my father I resent, as this set up was arranged for him to avoid maintenance payments. I do resent my mother for not trying harder to fight it. We've spoken about it since, she says she thought it was the right thing.

I am extremely adverse to staying anywhere other than my own home as an adult, and feel like I always need a routine and schedule and worry about planning etc.

I haven't thought about this for many years until the stage of life now becoming a parent myself.

Perhaps I was an overly sensitive kid? Maybe it's easier now with phones etc.

I can't help but think that for a child it's far better to have a main home, and visits to the other parent. AIBU?

I separated 10 years ago ..
He moved into a one bed apartment so couldn’t facilitate the kids ever being over , never worked another day in his life , ( the consequences he said for asking him to leave ! ) We slept in separate rooms for 2 years before separation, the relationship was dead in the water ! ..
Never paid a penny maintenance but every Christmas did go halves on Santa alright..
So I brought the kids up myself , always worked , they had & still have one home & are always very happy .. ☺️

Who is the non-resident parent in a 50/50 split?

So your default position is that fathers should be entitled to spend less time with their children, and should have to pay for that privilege? Nice. How many times do we read posts about fathers not spending enough time with their children, not giving them enough attention? So you want fathers to spend time with their kids, but not so much that both parents pay for the child/ren when they are with that parent, and not the other? CB should pay for school lunches and trips, so whichever parent receives that should take care of those payments. Otherwise, each parent pays for the child/ren when they are with them, all costs covered.

This

That certainly wasn’t the case with my DSis’s DSS, whose dad was the resident parent. During his early adolescent years, my DSis was the primary carer when she was a SAHM with her own young DC. My DBIL used to do a handover at a motorway services with his ex every other weekend.

Obviously, this doesn’t add to the debate about whether 50/50 is good for kids, but in this case the DSS thrived and felt equally at home with both his parents and, when his mum moved back near them during his older teens and then he flitted between both homes quite happily.

So many people think.parental rights trump a child's happiness.
It's confusing and distressing not to have a settled home.

I think the op is sensible to have discussed what would happen if they separated, I've done the same! I love dp very much, but I'm a practical woman and I don't want to leave issues of my dc's well-being to chance!

We would do 50:50 but would try "nesting" where the dc stay in the family home and the parents move in and out. It just seems more stable for them. But obviously it's only a possibility if there's no abuse and you can co-parent constructively.

Yes, and they forget that in PR the R means Responsibility for, not “rights to”.

I was thinking this too. My Dad left for work before I woke up, and at primary age got in as I was going to bed at 7.30ish, got a story and a hug (unless his train delayed which was quite often then I didn't see him at all). At secondary age I saw him max an hour a day, and at a time he was eating his dinner and I was doing homework, so max a 10 minute chat.

Mainly I saw him at weekends, the week he was off at Christmas and our 2 week summer camping holiday. During these times he was fully engaged, present and involved, often taking over to give my mum a break. As you said, it's quality rather than quantity, and nowadays being able to video call etc must help for the non resident parent to remain connected.

Isn’t it more confusing and distressing to have to go visit somewhere that’s definitely not your home every other week? Where you might not even have a room because you’re there so little of the time and where you don’t have your stuff? I’d prefer in that case to have two homes that I split my time between. Interesting that rich people often have multiple homes and move between them (royal family anyone?) yet on Mumsnet having more than one place is seen as the worst thing that could happen to someone.

Also casting my mind back to several threads where a kid says he wants to live with his dad and everyone is telling the OP to no way in hell allow that and over their dead body would they let their kids live with their dad full time because it would kill them. So it seems the mantra of children’s happiness over adult wishes only applies when it’s dads wanting to see their kids.

@Glowingup Wills and Kate maintain one stable home in term time. Quite rightly. Their dc aren’t pulled around every week.

DC can visit the non resident parent and it’s a huge assumption to say they don’t have a bedroom. Many do. What they don’t need is school uniform and all their school things. They just need a few days worth at the weekend. It’s much better to have the stability of one main home to maintain friendships and clubs. Lots of parents don’t live near each other and the child is pass the parcel! This is not fair on dc - it’s all about the selfish parents.

Agree with both these comments
at the end of the day regardless of how cooperative and committed any parents are when they separate, even if things are as good as can be in this context it does not and never will equate to the growing up a a child and young person longing for one home and not two.
Two sets of uniforms, a nice bedroom and games console or whatever don’t and can’t replicate the permanence and identity that comes with growing up in one house and home over your formative years as a child and young adult. It’s a critical backdrop for so many life experiences and aspects of development. Not meant as a dig at parents in this set up but more an observation and consideration I happen to believe is true and most of us deep down know it.

How do you decide whether mum or dad gets residency?
Who decides which party gets the benefits and the part time working and which gets the full time hours plus and pays maintenance.
I expect the majority on here against 50/50 would change their tune if the kids decided to be resident with the other parent.
50/50 isn't the problem- selfish parents who aren't interested in their kids are the problem.
How is 3 nights eow and a night midweek any better than 7/7?

Yes I completely agree with this, so many parents work long hours / work away and don’t have daily significant time with their children, quality is more important than quantity, especially when a child’s ability to feel they have one stable home is at stake.

Actually according to the reliable source that is Hello magazine, they spend weekends and holidays at Anmer Hall and have done for a long time. So effectively they have two residences. Oh dear I do hope their children don’t grow up traumatised. To be fair their uncle claims to have been traumatised by having a smaller bedroom than his brother at balmoral so maybe they will.

It's called Mumsnet for a reason. Children benefit having both parents in their lives equally. A dad who only sees their children EOW becomes a favourite term on Mumsnet a Disney Dad with all the sparkles that goes with it. He becomes fun dad when they see him and the mum becomes both mum and dad. Then they come on here saying their kid is wayward and won't listen to them and dad is much more fun and understanding. Be careful what you wish for.

Also if someone says they’re dating a dad who has EOW, everyone always jumps on it and says the dad must be shit, EOW is nothing, clearly they don’t care about their kids. Yet at the same time, if a dad DOES play an equal role in caregiving and parenting then he’s also shit because it’s cruel for kids to not have one home, he’s only doing it to avoid paying maintenance and the kids would obviously prefer to just live with their mum. Can’t win either way.

@Glowingup They use it as a weekend home but not every weekend! They also go together! As a family. They aren’t passing dc around!

Prince William also said that children under 16 shouldn't have a phone and his children won't be getting a mobile. Good for him. I would prefer my children to have a phone seeing as they don't have bodyguards protecting them 24/7.

Thought I'd jump in with that comment. I was dying to post it somewhere.

I do think yabu because every situation is different. Some would argue that in an arrangement where one parent has EOW, one or both of the parents are selfish because one parent has the child all the time and the other doesn't. Some would say EW is selfish because that means the child doesn't get quality weekend time with one of their parents. Obviously some argue that 50/50 is selfish so what's the right arrangement really? There isn't one right answer it's just what works for that family really. I do think the 2/2/3 50/50 arrangement is a bit too much back and forth and think the week on/week off arrangement is better but I'm sure some people would disagree because it wouldn't work for their family.

You don't need a smartphone to keep them safe. A brick phone or a smart watch would work fine.

Yeah, but that’s just life though. People are mostly wankers who will jump on anything for something to criticise.

I don't think it helps that CMS value 'overnights' rather than quality day time involvement as the only measure when calculating child maintenance.
If parents live nearby, then theoretically a child could spend all or most nights at one primary home, but have near 50/50 time with school pickups, evenings, weekend days and school holiday days shared, but this would just not be a financially viable option for many as the non RP would be heavily penalised.

Also, i think a lot of people who dislike the idea of 50/50 are harking back to a time when most mums were SAHM or very part time. This just isn't the reality for many families now. STBxH and i have NO family support at all (DD7 has never been babysat in her life), we are each others support network, we both work and we will have to do 50/50 in a similar way to how we have had to support each others work hours whilst we've been married.

its still moving between two homes though. It just is and it’s fine. Oh and btw kids going from their home at mum’s to their second home where dad lives are also with family. Just saying in case you thought they went to stay with random strangers 🤷‍♀️