Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

[IndSebCas]

I have 2 sons and a daughter, my DD is my middle child, she’s 25 now, successful, happy and we are still close. When my children were teenagers my boys got a lot more attention than DD, DS1 has autism, he still lives at home now and he needed a lot of support to get through the last few years of school, DS2 has ADHD and was quite challenging as a teenager, he really needed someone to be on him with homework and struggled with school. DD was a social butterfly, did well in school, had lots of hobbies and just generally didn’t need the same hands on support. However now I’m looking back I’m realising I made a lot of risky choices with DD and regret it.
Example one is when DD was 14 she asked if she could go visit her friend who’s family had moved to Newcastle for a weekend, we lived in London so this was far away, she did have a friend who had moved to Newcastle so I agreed. However I didn’t do any checks, I didn’t talk to the friends parents, I just gave DD money for the train and food/shopping while there and let her go.
Similar at 16 when she asked to go to a gig in Glasgow as she couldn’t get tickets for the London one, told me she would go with a friend, gave her money for a flight etc. and let her go, didn’t check anything. Then at 17, I let her go to Amsterdam with some older friends from volleyball, I’d never met these friends.
Luckily as far as I know nothing went wrong and all was fine, but it could have so easily gone wrong! I don’t know why I didn’t think to be more diligent, I guess I just trusted DD.
I also knew DD had a fake ID and did nothing about it, let her boyfriend stay over from just before her 16th birthday.
I don’t even recall being massively involved in her uni choices, she went to most of the open days alone, I didn’t know where she had applied to until she got accepted and had to decide where she wanted to go.
Now I feel awful, DD has never mentioned it, but I’m terrified she is going to have her own children some day and think wow my mum really didn’t give a crap about me!

AIBU to feel like I was an awful parent to DD and to wonder if it’s worth talking to her about it now?

If you have a happy, successful DD who is still close to you then you definitely weren’t a terrible parent. It sounds like you had a lot on your plate. My middle child has ADHD and certainly takes up a lot of parenting time. We have a finite amount of resources and we need to put them when they are most needed.

There is no harm in telling her how you feel. But I wouldn’t be beating yourself up about this.

She might not ever see it like that. If she does you can apologise, but you can't turn the clock back, so maybe just concentrate on giving her any attention she would like now. That's all you can do.

Those things do sound a bit neglectful and unthoughtful, she was very young to be able to do those things and also not asking where she was going to to uni.
I would talk to her about how you feel and apologise and also listen to how she feels. Waiting for her to say something is too late
But from the sounds of it you have a good relationship so it doesn’t seem as she holds a grudge, and those things are just a few instances they don’t make up your whole relationship over the years. You must have done things right if you’re close

I agree she may see it as you trusted her. She sounded pretty self sufficient (although I am a little agog at some of your choices) at a young age. Maybe she felt she had to grow up fast because you had your hands full with your boys. If you are close, perhaps you could meet up somewhere neutral and have a conversation about it. Also, no mention of Dad in this scenario - could he have taken the reins?

I was like your DD and it never occurred to me that my mother's parenting might have lacked somewhat in investment -I thrived on being trusted and felt validated by her as I made my own decisions and shaped my own life. I felt she made an active choice to let me spread my own wings. After I moved to the UK, I had some therapy about a different issue and the counsellor reflected back to me that the parenting I'd received might have been permissive and 'arm's length', and made little effort to hide their disapproval. It completely blind-sided me as it was at such odds with my own perception of how I'd been brought up and the dynamic with my mum. We explored the counsellor's alternative narrative (which was quite a distraction as it had little bearing on the issue for which I had sought therapy in the first place) but I had to conclude that my authentic, lived experience of my teens was not one of neglect -I was just capable and in a position to manifest the things I wanted to create in my life with an unusual degree of independence.
You've not necessarily done anything wrong, and your DD might not think you did either.

She probably feels you trusted her and gave her independence.

Maybe have a chat and see how she feels.

YABU to think you are a crap parent (she's fine) but YAabsolutelyNBU to share these thoughts with her and show your humility/ regret.

I'm sure it would strengthen your relationship and if there was any sadness on your DD's part, it should really help her get over it. She sounds very independent and clever so she will have realised that you had a lot on your plate at the time.

I was DD1 of three girls. My “D”M enabled the physical abuse that me and my middle sister were subjected to from an early age by our “D”F while the youngest sister was the golden child. I was a social butterfly in my teens, not that my parents ever knew it. Funnily enough both parents cut me and my middle sister dead, disowned in our 20s. Youngest sister still the golden child to both and has inherited their narcissistic tendencies even with her own 3 young DDs. It’s awful and I wish I could prevent the impact she’s having on her DDs.
You're rightly questioning yourself as most decent mothers would, the abusive or enabling don’t ever think to second guess choices they made.
In your position I would bring it up and have the honest conversation admitting your faults and let her take it from there and hopefully she will confide her point of view. If worst comes to worst, you can try to repair your relationship having admitted where you went wrong and owned it. She sounds like she’s been incredibly independent and good on her for that but she did need some safeguarding that went amiss when she should have had it, very very lucky that nothing seems to have happened to her during those times.
Don’t beat yourself up OP. You have the integrity and presence of mind to know that you did wrong and you want to make amends. Most mothers, mine included, never even get to that stage of thinking. Please do have the conversation with her. It really could make all the difference to her.

I voted YANBU not because I think you were a bad parent, but because I fully understand the dread reflecting can bring but it isn’t unreasonable to do.

It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your daughter. We can all reflect on years gone by, ultimately wishing we’d taken different courses of action at the time.

YANBU.

I could never take such a passive approach to parenting. At least she turned out great though.

My DM was like this with me, I'm the second child. I look back and I notice it - things like never going clothes shopping, doing much mother/girly stuff, trips away. You have plenty of opportunity to still do that if funds and time allow.

For some reason my parents never invested much in my hobbies in the way they did with DB and I suppose if I'm really thinking about it I wonder did they just expect me to get married off so why bother?! I'd love to know what assumptions were behind it.

Whenever I've asked DM why we didn't discuss choice of college she'd say things like but you wanted to go there...maybe she's right, I was head strong and do teenagers listen anyway.

I do feel I was very accepted by DM and I also did a lot in my teens and 20s.

You've plenty of opportunity to make sure your DD knows how proud you are, that you share in her ups and downs etc.

My parents were quite lax about me going places when I was young, but my friends' parents were the same. I never thought anything of it. They didn't let me go abroad when I was 14, but at 17 they would have if it was with a group.

Absolutely this. You are probably worrying for nothing. I've got 5, and one got one like this. No harm done, would have been more harm if I was micro-managing her at the time like I had to do some of the others. Sometimes you don't feel as close to one as the other (sometimes because they are not as difficult) doesn't mean that you love them any less, and as long as they know that, and they feel "trusted" then it's fine. But, yeah, do talk, I think it will help x

I was in a similar position to your daughter growing up.
My mum did try and have a conversation with me about it quite a few years ago and to be honest at the time it just made me feel more resentful about it as I (rightly or wrongly) felt like she was only trying to apologise to make herself feel better about it.
So I would say just focus on what ways you can support her and build on your relationship with her now and leave it up to her to start the conversation if she wants to.

As I see it, there are two principle parenting traps: being controlling (a helicopter parent), and being avoidant (a negligent parent).

Controllers stifle their child’s natural inquisitiveness, and taken to extremes, crush their child’s will. The child loses its sense of self. Such an individual is at the mercy of exploitative individuals, because the parent was unable to hear the child’s “No”.

Avoidant parents allow their children to roam but fundamentally do not take enough interest in that child’s development. Such a child may fall victim to malign influences, as the parents have delegated this role to the child’s peers. Children of these parents often fail to bond meaningfully with the primary care givers and become distant in adulthood.

Bugger all you can do about it now, though, except perhaps listen if your daughter wants to talk.

In this scenario (with slightly different destinations but basically the same ages) I could have been your DD. DM let me do lots. I am late 30s and have never once thought she was a bad parent. Everyone does things differently! I had very fun teenage years and learned to be independent early but didn't take the piss. Love my mum to bits and vice versa.

Thank you, I think I will speak to DD about it.

I wasn’t a totally disengaged parent, she played tennis competitively for a while and I did try to make an effort to be at the competitions or ensure someone was, I took her shopping often and we did mother daughter things but I just can’t figure out why I never thought to check with her friends parents before I let her go to Newcastle at 14? Or why I didn’t ask about which universities she had applied to before she got accepted or go with her to open days.

I think you’re beating yourself up too much about this. We live and learn and nobody is perfect, also many of the things you have mentioned will likely have had very positive effects on her. I’m sure she had an amazing time going to the concert and trips that you kindly funded for her.

And I have only one son now 18 with ADHD and it’s crazy how much time and energy has been spent just sorting out his educational needs, so I totally get why if you have a child that seems to be thriving alongside siblings who need more time and energy invested in their development, why you may not have spent as munch time and energy there. That’s ok, who knows, your DD might be the one to require a lot of time and energy later in life. I am one of 4 children and I really do think as a parent it’s a better approach to “give to each according to their needs” when it comes to your kids rather than striving to be scrupulously fair about how you divide your resources in general. I wasn’t much trouble to my parents as a child/teen but have really leaned on their support in adult life following an abusive marriage and divorce and single parenting and child custody battles etc. And have understood when my parents have needed to invest their time/energy/money in my siblings instead. My point is, parenting does not stop at 18 though it changes, and as you have a good relationship then you will have plenty opportunity to be a good parent to her in future so it’s probably better to focus on that rather than beat yourself up about the past.

Perhaps it’s fair to say that it would have been good to check out her friends etc before allowing these trips and yes showing more interest in her uni choices would have been ideal. I would have allowed all of this (except for letting a boy friend stay over at 16 but there are various schools of thought on that one anyway), but yes probably checked out who she’d be going off with a bit more etc. Certainly back in the day many of us did these sorts of things without our parents dreaming of getting very involved though, and nobody felt it was an issue. I do think we tend to helicopter parent too much these days, certainly on reflection of my own parenting I have the opposite regrets from you really, I feel I should have been a bit more hands off and encouraged independence a bit more.

But it sounds like fortunately no harm actually came to her and I suspect from your description of her, that she was rather mature and sensible for her age and possibly quite independent-minded anyway. Some teens genuinely don’t want their parents involved in that at all and do not see the need for their input. And if she was able to navigate the whole process without your input I think that in itself speaks volumes about her maturity and independence. I’m sure it’s much better for outcomes if the teen themselves is super involved in the process (unlike my son who had to be basically nagged to death before he’d fill in the forms and make decisions!).

I would speak to her about it and see how she felt about those things and the thoughts you’ve been having about them and your parenting of her in general. You may find as a pp said that she appreciated your trust in her and encouragement of her independence and does not have an issue with any of this at all. You sound like a lovely caring mum to me.

@IndSebCas You had two other children with additional needs, and your daughter, being the easiest, was neglected as a result. From a parental perspective, it is understandable why that might happen. Yet even easy children need a steadying hand, and I would certainly feel an obligation to intervene where safety/welfare or educational outcomes could be compromised. We all make daft decisions when young, so it is up to the parent to keep the ship on an even keel.

Sounds like you raised her to be strong and independent! Nothing to be ashamed of at all. Everyone makes their own parenting choices - most of us in hindsight would think to do things differently. But if she's thriving now a big part of that will very likely be down to how she was raised.

It's the overly helicopter parents I believe are negligent and cause harm - either the kids learn to lie and conceal from a young age and can't confide when something goes wrong, or they end up completely inept unable to cope with the world because they were stifled from learning how to do so.

You are being very honest with yourself. You seem very aware you didn’t do enough to protect her.

I would share with her thst you were glad she was such a resilient and resourceful young woman but you are sad her brothers took so much of your attention and apologise. Tell her of your love for her, and that you regret not spending more time with her.

I would then vow to be much more part of her life. You still have time to make this better. You can’t rewind, but you can ensure she is fully supported now and in the future.

I understand your concern. I realised how checked out my mother was when I had children. She basically left me to it, and there were some horrible consequences to my life (not permanent thankfully) We are not as close now. Her emotional unavailability has left me with a sadness. Her lack of true acknowledgement beyond platitudes is inexcusable. I am cross she didn’t parent me better. Or look after me properly. She was always busy elsewhere doing almost anything else. It was her loss in the end. I would address it absolutely op.

I knew you would get trite posts like this that do not acknowledge what can happen to young people without parental involvement. Its like they are switched off to the real world, and what can happen, so they can continue with their negligence guilt free.

There is a WORLD of difference between helicopter parenting and allowing a 14 year old to go up to Newcastle alone with peole she doesn’t even know. Safety checks are or should be standard, ditto uni and degree choices and being interested. It’s a very sad read tbh.

Going to be honest I’d be a tad worried about my 14yr old going off to a different city by herself. Honestly I don’t understand, did you not worry about her safety at all? I’m not trying to make you feel bad, you clearly had your hands full. She was lucky nothing awful happened.

I was kinda like your daughter.
I was completely independent and trusted from about 12.
I never did did anything risky tho so perhaps my mum knew that instinctively, I was so surprised when she insisted that we accompany my 16 year old sister on things I used to do alone at 12!
Even now though, I'm much more adventurous than my family and yet I'm also very very careful.
I do however, remember a few crazy incidents while on holiday that I now realise could've went horribly wrong and am so thankful they didnt!

So with my daughter, I tell her about all the dangers and how to avoid them.
And yet, I wouldn't have changed my upbringing, I loved being independent and being trusted.

She sounds quite independent, which isn’t too much of a bad thing. My DD wouldn’t go to uni open days herself, though she flew alone to south east Asia at 14 to see her dad who was working there. Does seem odd not to even discuss which uni’s she is interested in or actually applying to. Yes I guess one day she might say something, but I guess you’re aware and can only apologise. Maybe she has no issue anyway.