Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

[IndSebCas]

I have 2 sons and a daughter, my DD is my middle child, she’s 25 now, successful, happy and we are still close. When my children were teenagers my boys got a lot more attention than DD, DS1 has autism, he still lives at home now and he needed a lot of support to get through the last few years of school, DS2 has ADHD and was quite challenging as a teenager, he really needed someone to be on him with homework and struggled with school. DD was a social butterfly, did well in school, had lots of hobbies and just generally didn’t need the same hands on support. However now I’m looking back I’m realising I made a lot of risky choices with DD and regret it.
Example one is when DD was 14 she asked if she could go visit her friend who’s family had moved to Newcastle for a weekend, we lived in London so this was far away, she did have a friend who had moved to Newcastle so I agreed. However I didn’t do any checks, I didn’t talk to the friends parents, I just gave DD money for the train and food/shopping while there and let her go.
Similar at 16 when she asked to go to a gig in Glasgow as she couldn’t get tickets for the London one, told me she would go with a friend, gave her money for a flight etc. and let her go, didn’t check anything. Then at 17, I let her go to Amsterdam with some older friends from volleyball, I’d never met these friends.
Luckily as far as I know nothing went wrong and all was fine, but it could have so easily gone wrong! I don’t know why I didn’t think to be more diligent, I guess I just trusted DD.
I also knew DD had a fake ID and did nothing about it, let her boyfriend stay over from just before her 16th birthday.
I don’t even recall being massively involved in her uni choices, she went to most of the open days alone, I didn’t know where she had applied to until she got accepted and had to decide where she wanted to go.
Now I feel awful, DD has never mentioned it, but I’m terrified she is going to have her own children some day and think wow my mum really didn’t give a crap about me!

AIBU to feel like I was an awful parent to DD and to wonder if it’s worth talking to her about it now?

I can't get over the university thing. More because it must have been at least 7 months or so of never bothering to ask, / have interest in your DD's life choices, rather than a one off incident. I agree with you that it may only be when your DD has children that she reflects on her own childhood with a new perspective.

Sounds like you raised an independent woman who learnt to get things done herself. Honestly, it's not that bad. I'm older than your DD but when I was a teen myself and my friends were classed as adults as soon as GCSEs were done. We could come and go as we pleased, we sorted our further and higher education independently and found our own part time jobs. The younger generation get slated a lot for poor work ethic and resilience. I personally haven't come across this myself but if it is really happening, it's likely to be due to modern day helicopter parenting of teens. You may have done DD a huge favour.

I do think the amount of time parents spend on their children with SEN, to the detriment of their other children is pretty bad. I think it’s akin to what you read about children with SEN in state schools who use up all the teachers time and the other kids are left to get on with it, not really stretching them to their full potential.

You made some poor choices but the good news it doesn't seem to have affected your daughter negatively. I think it is wonderful that upon reflection you realise the error of your ways and of course if you could go back you would do things differently. Obviously you can't but I appreciate the fact you have reflected and feel genuinely concerned with how you chose to deal with things. Nobody is perfect but you did the best you could at that time. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course but most people who make poor choices never seem to reflect upon them or hold themselves accountable! At least there is that!

If the context was that she was very aware and capable, knew how to recognise when things weren't feeling right and how to contact you quickly etc, I think you're being too hard on yourself with most of these, particularly as the emphasis in parenting trends up until about 10 years ago was more towards building independence.
Certainly 20 years ago it would have been unusual/seen as a bit weird to have your parents with you on uni open days, that may have changed by the time she was going but I can't imagine it suddenly swinging to 'neglectful' to let them go on their own. You say you hadn't met the friends involved in her other trips but maybe the context at the time was that you felt you knew them well enough through what you'd heard of them etc.

You have described my raising actually @IndSebCas Mum was often ill and Dad was always at work so I pretty much raised myself and I am very very independent and resourceful as a result.

My childhood was far more 'neglectful' than you describe but I'm actually glad about it.

Don't worry about it. You treated her like an adult far younger than you should have maybe but look at the result.

If she ever says anything about it, tell her you have reflected on it and have regrets but she sounds far too mature to make a thing of it anyway.

We have relations that are from another country. We only discovered them recently. They raise their children totally differently to the way we do. They are treated like adults from very very young and the results are incredible.

I don't think you should beat yourself up about it but I do think you should have a conversation with your daughter.
Not to ask for forgiveness or whatever that might seem a bit like emotional blackmail or a surprising response from you if you've never brought it up before.

I would start by saying you've been reflecting on their teenage years and are aware that as the only girl, she was given more freedom but also also more responsibility much earlier than her brothers. I think it would be a good way in to discussing whether she sees any patterns in her life where she falls into the responsible role and her boyfriend/male colleague/etc is able to be the irresponsible one. Is she responsible for buying presents for you on behalf of her brothers? Does she buy gifts for her boyfriends' relatives on their behalf etc?

I grew up in a similar position to your daughter. I never said anything to my mum as it couldn't be helped - it was just the situation we were in and my sister needed her more than i did. But she has since acknowledged it - apologised and makes a huge effort now. We have a great relationship. It makes me very aware of how I parent my own kids but I recognise i have a morw space and flexibility she didn't have.

The proof is in how she is now.
You did your best at the time; as we all do.
Hindsight judgment is a thief of joy.

I think you let her do those things because she was mature and trustworthy, and if she is happy and close to you now you did a great job op.

Secondly if you are reflecting and regretting - that’s also just the sign of diligent parenting.

Thirdly, I would mention this to her when you see her. She probably doesn’t see it that way, or harbour resentment if you two are close.

I would love to have a close relationship with my daughter (she’s 3 now). So taking notes.

I think teenagers showing maturity doesn't mean they are mature though, I told my mum i was staying with my friends for the weekend at 15 i was no where near my friends house, I was all sweet and "mature" at 15 so I got my own way.

I honestly don’t think you did anything wrong at all. I left home at 16 and had a baby at 17, my parents were terrible parents for various reasons hence that situation occurring in the first place.

I’d actually say it would be usual not to check with parents about the Newcastle situation when your child was 16/17. It’s a grey area really, not quite an adult but definitely not a child and legal to do various things like have sex and drive.

Plus I don’t really know why you’re beating yourself up when she’s flourishing and you’re also both close! You clearly did a great job, she’s independent and doing extremely well in life.

Honestly, I think currently we overparent, massively, our young people and don't give them the skills and trust to make their own decisions.
There is endless discussion at industry level about how incompetent many young people are at making decisions and taking responsibility for their own actions. At school, they have been spoon. Fed all information and at home in many cases, their parents get involved in all elements of their life. Even when they at university.
Some of those things you could have done, but she has thrived, perhaps in part because you didn't over do everything.
I would discuss it with her and let her know It wasn't deliberate as differences between siblings always bad. But also let her know how proud you are for doing stuff her own way.

I’m really shocked you were so disengaged that you didn’t even ask her what universities she applied to, like it never came up in conversation at all from GCSEs onwards.

my husband was independent from a young age because his parents were uninterested in anything he did and continue to be now. From their perspective he thrived, from an outside perspective he was forced to grow up and take control as he didn’t have actively involved parents.

I was a teen in the 80s, child in the 70s and I was very much raised like this. From 10 I had a door key and came home to an empty house, my parents both worked, some days I'd start tea for them. At weekends I'd go off on the bus to the nearest town/city with mates. There was a group of us on our estate, we'd roam through local fields or derelict estates in the holidays. Yes, we got into some scrapes, but we were a mixed age group and we learnt from the older ones. I spent some holidays with a relative and she'd just leave me to my own devices all day.
Ironically the only real danger I faced as a teen was in was in a well arranged job with supposedly well thought of adults (one of whom turned out to be a nasty bastard). But I was confident and independent enough to hang up my apron and walk out.
My own Mum left home at 15.

I think what will go a long way if she ever feels like that is that you have reflected enough to say yes actually you’re right, I’m sorry, I wish I’d done it differently.

I was just turned 16, doing my GCSEs when my mum went and moved in with her bf. She paid the rent, did my shopping, but I lived alone until I was 17 nearly 18 and the flat I lived in needed to go back to the owner. Then I had to move in with her bf too. Not great parenting,

I also managed to get away with going out clubbing from age 14 etc. but I’m still close with my mum. I actually think having freedom at that age was helpful as I was pretty independent and all of my friends/people at school were doing the same.

I'm still close with my mum, I think she acknowledges she could have been a better mum but I don’t hold too much of a grudge. She’s the most normal out of me parents and my in laws. Is supportive and there for me. I base our relationship on what she is like now more than what she was like when I was a teen

I had a similar upbringing in a lot of ways. I just wasn't the centre of their world, there was a lot of other stresses, illnesses, caring responsibilities etc and it was very much up to me to sort out uni etc. (I was the first in the family to go so I think they felt they wouldn't have been of any help anyway). Mum was at parents evenings, she'd never do homework with me or anything like that, even as a very young child. Wouldn't have occurred to her to check I was going where I said I was going or to check in with other friend's parents if I was staying there. She was proud of me I know that, and I was very loved.

If it makes you feel better - I adored my mum and was close to her up until she died. I recognise the many ways she was a great mum, perhaps she was actually a better mum when I was an adult than those teen years, the chaos and other issues going on in those years probably did impact how much actual parenting she was able to do, but later on she actually was able to be incredibly supportive and help me out in lots of ways. Your relationship with your daughter is lifelong, you can focus on being the mum she needs now.

That's not to say, having had my own daughter now, that I'm not a bit staggered by some of the choices she made! I'm actually pretty shocked by a lot that went down back then, from all of the adults who were supposedly responsible for me, and for much bigger reasons than my mum being a bit permissive and vague. But the benefit of being an adult is you do have some perspective and can realise they were doing the best they were capable of. No doubt my daughter will have her own list of ways I let her down one day, no matter how hard I try not to.

I grew up like this and it still makes me feel like shit my mum has no idea what I studied, where, how I did etc. I wouldn't need a chat about it but I do notice that she still doesnt listen properly if I talk about my life so I just don't bother anymore. Do you know about her current job? Her current life?

I think part of the issue is modern life makes it hard to let kids fail.
If they get behind early on in school then it is hard to catch up. In high school they get trapped in lower streams. There's so much importance on getting GCSEs, avenues are so limited without them. Ditto uni, which is expensive. I went to a high achieving school, but there was no expectation of 4 As at A level, yet most went on to decent unis, although there were plenty of vocational options too. Even getting teenage jobs can be difficult, it was easy when I was a teen. We could arse about in our teens, but now they need worthy activities, my independent organised DD was half joking about things for her CV, when she picked things to do
We just seem to be stimying our kids. The stakes seem to be too high to let them fail, yet failing teaches them a lot.

Hmmmm. These are the kinds of things my mum and dad did - though mine did worse, too - and I was fine with it and thought I had a perfectly lovely childhood, and had a great relationship with my mum, until I hit 30 and had my own child, then I realised how utterly disinterested my parents had been in what I was doing, who I was with and my safety, and that they had forced independence on me far too early. It has made me hyper-independent, positively allergic to asking for help, and not able to receive love. I can give it, but receiving it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Since becoming a mother, my feelings about my own mother have completely changed and I find her very difficult now, where once we were best friends. I realised that your mum shouldn't just be your friend - she should be a mum, too.

My parents trusted me because it suited their own selfish ends not to have to actively parent me - they didn't have the additional pressures on them that you have, with your boys. Like your daughter, I did well at school, had lots of friends, had lots of interests - I wasn't a needy child. But that doesn't mean I didn't have needs, and I was still a child and did put myself in hideously unsafe situations - I was just lucky that nothing terrible happened to me (eg, I slept in cars with teenage boys I'd only just met rather than pay for hotels, walked home alone from town because I didn't have money for taxis, known criminals and violent men came to the house when my parents were away because they were my sister's friends). We were lucky.

If you actively parented your daughter in other ways, told her you loved her, supported her in her hobbies and interests, then it'll all be fine. But if your distraction (VERY understandable) meant she was overlooked in the round, then it's not ideal, but not the end of the world as you seem like you can recognise it and make amends. Your daughter will understand. My mum refuses to own her behaviour, goes into "I was the worst mother in the world I may as well just kill myself" mode, or "I'm sick of apologising for this" (she never has), or "You've all grown up to be independent I did you a favour".

If your daughter ever expresses any feelings about it, just be honest and sincerely apologise.

My immediate reaction was, similar to others, that now is the time to raise this with your DD.

My father was dictatorial and my mother was vaguely interested but the reality was from about the age of 11, neither of them had much interest in me as a person. I feel it to this day, decades later. It would’ve meant the world to me if my mother had it within her to have acknowledge this and talk about it. Not least because it would change the way I feel about her now that she is very frail and in her 90s. She doesn’t have it in her to take much interest and I’m sure that your DD would appreciate you talking now about your understanding and asking her what she would like from you now.

My father once asked me, when I was in my 20s, “was I a good father?“. I managed to avoid answering the question but it was only several years later that I realised that he’d asked the question in the past tense. So what I draw from this is that it is important that you realise that you are still your DD’s mother. She still needs a mother and you can still give her in some way what she didn’t have have. it is my very sincere hope that you will have many more years ahead of you, perhaps many more than the 25 years of your daughter its age now.

I assure you I longed for that relationship until I was very much older than your daughter is. In fact, I still do. Like you, my mother didn’t mean to be the way she was, but it’s the reality. Unlike you, it had never occurred to her to reflect on anything.

It does seem to me that the balance of independence and involvement you achieved with DD was fine, especially given that it has culminated in such a good relationship between you. However, with two high-needs siblings it may well be that she sometimes felt sidelined and I think that it is possible that both of you would benefit from talking it through together - if you feel the conversation is something that would 'work' in terms of the way that you interact.

I'm wondering whether ruminating on a couple of specific occasions where something could have gone wrong but didn't might mean that you are feeling at least a little anxious and depressed, or perhaps reliving the trauma associated with parenting children with difficulties?

I know that I ruminate endlessly on past parenting choices in relation to my older son, who had severe difficulties, and I don't think any parent should underestimate the traumatic nature of some parts of their lives with challenging children. I just can't bring myself to relax at all in my relationship with my surviving son, even though he seems fine and is able (insofar as any male is able😏) to have a close and sharing relationship with me.

Sorry but u sounded like u did everything right (except boyfriend sleeping over).
You just trusted her, encouraged her and let her be independent when she wanted to be. Go you!
No wonder she's successful now. She's had to get on (like the rest of us who weren't born in a snowflake generation) and as a result is coping!
You sound a brilliant mum. Giving help where it's needed and letting competent DD get on.
Do not have the conversation with your daughter. If she's unhappy let her approach u but I think you are overanalyzing it WAY too much.

Honestly, I was a fairly sensible child and most of this stuff isn't a million miles away from how I was parented in the 90s. I think you are judging your, admittedly more recent, parenting against modern helicopter parenting standards. My parents were pretty normal for my peer group, and I don't think were neglectful.

No one's parents came to university open days. Well, one girl's did, and I thought it slightly odd. I picked my universities myself. They were involved, but I was making reasonable choices so no real need to interfere.

Modern parenting probably does keep children safer in an absolute, at the time sense. But probably at the expense of independence. Everything is a trade off.

But going home to an empty house at a young age wasn’t a good thing. The term was latch key kids, which had negative connotations.

But I agree in principle that children had greater freedom and it wasn’t a bad thing in terms of resilience and life skills.