Reflecting and realising I didn’t parent DD well

[IndSebCas]

I have 2 sons and a daughter, my DD is my middle child, she’s 25 now, successful, happy and we are still close. When my children were teenagers my boys got a lot more attention than DD, DS1 has autism, he still lives at home now and he needed a lot of support to get through the last few years of school, DS2 has ADHD and was quite challenging as a teenager, he really needed someone to be on him with homework and struggled with school. DD was a social butterfly, did well in school, had lots of hobbies and just generally didn’t need the same hands on support. However now I’m looking back I’m realising I made a lot of risky choices with DD and regret it.
Example one is when DD was 14 she asked if she could go visit her friend who’s family had moved to Newcastle for a weekend, we lived in London so this was far away, she did have a friend who had moved to Newcastle so I agreed. However I didn’t do any checks, I didn’t talk to the friends parents, I just gave DD money for the train and food/shopping while there and let her go.
Similar at 16 when she asked to go to a gig in Glasgow as she couldn’t get tickets for the London one, told me she would go with a friend, gave her money for a flight etc. and let her go, didn’t check anything. Then at 17, I let her go to Amsterdam with some older friends from volleyball, I’d never met these friends.
Luckily as far as I know nothing went wrong and all was fine, but it could have so easily gone wrong! I don’t know why I didn’t think to be more diligent, I guess I just trusted DD.
I also knew DD had a fake ID and did nothing about it, let her boyfriend stay over from just before her 16th birthday.
I don’t even recall being massively involved in her uni choices, she went to most of the open days alone, I didn’t know where she had applied to until she got accepted and had to decide where she wanted to go.
Now I feel awful, DD has never mentioned it, but I’m terrified she is going to have her own children some day and think wow my mum really didn’t give a crap about me!

AIBU to feel like I was an awful parent to DD and to wonder if it’s worth talking to her about it now?

It's not until I left home that I realised my parent's permissiveness and indifference was actually neglect. I have my own children now and yes it made me see how little they cared.

I'm pretty sure my mum didn't know where I applied to uni, I've never given it a seconds thought. Like a lot of people I went interrailing at just 18 before mobile phones and noone had a clue where I was for a month. I have a very independent teen daughter and she doesn't want the inquisition about her friends etc. She is sensible and I trust her (up to a point). But she'll be a fully fledged adult in two years. If she wants to leave home and do her own thing she can. How will it help her if I'm hovering over her every move now? Our job is to give them wings to fly. That means gradually letting go over the teen years. None of the things you have said are horrifying. Slightly ill advised at most and luckily no harm done. I would forget about it. It's the hurtful things parents say or the failure to protect against abuse that is hard to get over. Also, love conditional on behaviour or exams, criticism when the young person is trying to find their own identity, nit picking, pressure to do well, not respecting their growing independence, dismissive of their legitimate needs and wants, rarely offering love or support etc.

It depends on the area.
I was a teenager in the 90's. I done what I wanted, as a younger child we'd play out for hours, not only my family, most families.
I'm much stricter on my children.
We experienced things that we didn’t have to as teenagers.
Parenting has really changed.

I have a few kids and other kids we've acquired along the way. But one of my DDs was very self sufficient from day one, I also always felt she was safe and sensible, in a way none of the others were. She did go off abroad with friends at 16 and 17 (and probably every year there after) , arranged it all herself. I did involve myself with uni choices, but because I wanted to, she was quite clear she was on it (Although she was happy to have my company). We did go out shopping together and other mother and daughter stuff, but we were always more on a level that parent and child, it's hard to explain. Also thinking about it, from mid teens, she never asked really asked permission, but was always reasonable and sensible so it was never questioned.

We have actually talked about this, and she just laughs and says I'm over thinking, she'd have hated to have me always on her case.
She's probably the child I'm closest to now.
Some kids just require less parenting.

My parents gave me similar freedom and I feel grateful to this day that they trusted me, that seems the most important part of this story to me. You could have a talk with her about this if you wanted, you say you are still close so I wouldn’t worry personally.

OP I was like your DD. My brother was 2 years older than me and had undiagnosed autism and some mental health problems as a result. Despite being younger, I was always the “sensible one”, so I was pretty much left to my own devices. I wasn’t neglected, and I always knew I was loved, but I was allowed to do things that I’d never allow my own kids.

But obviously I’m not stupid. I knew my brother needed more supervision and support than I did. So whilst I marvel at the freedom I had, I never question it, because it made sense. I’m a very self sufficient person, and I would have hated having to stay at home all the time , and not been allowed to make my own decisions.

My brother was born when i was 12, and he had a profound disability. I was pretty much left to my own devices as a teen. my parents didnt come with me to visit universities, when my friends parents did. I took myself there on my first day. I got a boyfriend at 15 for the company really, that feeling of being looked after. I am not massively close to my parents now and while I love them very much, it wasnt until I was older I realised the effect it had on me. In many ways it's been good - I am very independent, but there is a barrier between me and my parents. My brother even now gets all o9f their attention, understandably, but here is an unspoken thing like I never need any, which obviously isnt the case! I actually would, in a very managed way, speak to your daughter about it. Its not about self flagellation, or taking loads of responsibility - you did the best you could at the time, but I do wish my Mum and I had a more open relationship now, which we could have if she reflected i think.

Having been raised by a controlling, manipulative, unsupportive, judgmental and suspicious mother, I can tell you that you sound absolutely lovely.
You trusted your daughter and allowed her the opportunity to have these experiences, and I’m sure would have helped her had any part of it gone wrong.
The fact that you are still close with her and reflecting on your behaviour and wondering if you did the right thing says everything about your heart being in the right place OP 🩷

I was also like your daughter. I think my Mum was a more interested parent until my brother unexpectedly came alone when I was 15, and my parent's marriage was going down the pan by then. They never asked about my A level choices, I got myself to Uni open days alone and I just got on with life by myself. I married at 22 and no one asked me if I thought it was a good idea, they just turned up (separately!)
At the time I thought little of it, I was capable and sensible, but now with 4 grown up children of my own it does make me feel that I WAS neglected somewhat... my Mum was so wrapped up in a) my brother ...golden child...and with resentment at my Dad going through their divorce that all I was was the go between.
It took until my 40's parenting my own teens, to feel sad and a little resentful, as I had 4, one with disabilities and one who was very hard work as a teen and yet I still managed open days, and kept a close eye on everyone and was involved with their lives.

I did bring it up with my Mum once...it didn't go well! She was very defensive.

Your daughter sounds sensible and was obviously capable, but I don't think it would hurt to talk to her and apologise... and don't defend yourself even if your reasons were good; if she has children she will look back one day in their teens and wonder why .

You are clearly a thoughtful and decent person. You remind me of my dear friend, who was the only one earning in her family and who raised her only child in a similar way, only she, her husband and her dd also had to care for a live-in foreign mother of hers. My friend travelled for work a lot and when she was not at home, her daughter was also a hands-on carer for the old woman who did not speak English. She too is now beating herself up saying 'how could I dump my mother on such a young child'? Too heavy a burden, not a normal childhood. Also, she did not know what universities she applied to. However, my friend had to earn, that was her lot and your had your lot to deal with. Don't beat yourself up about it - your dd turned out wonderful, just as my friend's dd. Thank God for that.

I voted yanbu, not because I think you’re a bad parent but because it’s good that you’re reflecting and wanting to maybe discuss it with her.

For what it’s worth, I was like your DD. At the time I liked the independence…my DB was a little troublemaker and my sis a bit of a space cadet, and I think my parents just saw me as one thing they didn’t have to worry about. The thing is, I did go mildly off the rails without them realising - the sleepovers and trips away with friends were sometimes house parties and hanging around with less than savoury characters. I never developed a drug habit or let it affect my academics, but as an adult now looking back I see a lonely, confused girl who was seeking some validation and attention. I drank too much and blacked out on occasion, and sometimes I look back and thank my lucky stars no serious harm came to me.

None of that is to say that’s what happened to your daughter, it’s just my example, but it could be that she feels like, because she was so reliable, people stopped looking too hard or taking an interest. What you said about her uni choices/ open days really struck a chord with me, because I remember thinking that about my mum. I don’t think she knew where I was off to/ what I was doing until I told her the results of the ucas applications. And she was supportive in that she paid for my accommodation away from
home, and gave me an allowance etc. She was absolutely not neglectful.

Its worth saying that, in the years since uni I think my mums come to realise that still waters run deep, and just because I keep it together doesn’t mean I’m necessarily ok. I’ve got a good career, marriage, two lovely DD’s of my own (who my mum dotes on and spends lots of time with). Ours wasn’t a dysfunctional relationship, but I do tend to keep on trucking until the wheels fall off, and I wonder if that’s got something to do with being the “dependable” one as a kid. It could be that in having this discussion with your DD, it lets her know she can come to you with any struggles she has, or feels her dependability is taken less for granted/ not tied to her value as a person.

Also want to say, OP, that I think you’re actually a really good mum, because your post shows a lot of introspection and consideration for your DD’s perspective. None of us is a perfect parent and everyone gets stuff wrong - it’s the self-awareness and ability to reflect that separates the good from the bad, I think (hope 😅)

It does seem pretty hands off!
At 14 DCs were out and about in our large city but not travelling across the country!
I remember when DD was 16 she was in to a lot of Indy music and had made friends online who were also fans of the bands. We had a girl from the continent come over by coach and stay with us overnight to go to a gig! The girl was 15 I think (def younger than DD) and I said if he happy to chat to her DPs to say we were legit(!) but apparently it wasn’t necessary. I was pretty surprised!
I was also v involved in uni choices as we would be contributing financially, plus it’s a bit miserable going on your own to open days (DCs did go with friends to some of them but we took a keen interest ).
She prob realised you had your hands full with your two DSs and had to be independent. DD spoke to me a couple of years ago to say she kept a lot of problems to herself as a teen as DS needed a lot of support - I’d advise a good chat!

That sounds very much like my late 80’s teenage years - although I didn’t go abroad alone until I was 18. My parents were not particularly permissive and definitely not neglectful in anyway. I grew up to be very resilient, confident in dealing with most situations.

It actually makes me sad that I don’t think my own children are particularly independent or resilient in the same way. I think they missed out.

Another thing I've been mulling on having read the responses is that while there are clearly some things that are always abusive or always neglectful, there are also parenting styles that work very well on some kids and not others so it's not really possible to say that most things are necessarily good or bad, but can be good or bad depending on the child and how they respond to that. One of the things I struggle with as a parent is that my two DC, who are close in age, would really benefit from v different parenting styles but that's hard to achieve because I'd be having different rules for them which they will riot about.

OP you sounds like a good mum. Generally bad mums never worry about whether they were a good mum!

I agree just talk to her…… my mum wasn’t perfect but she was a really good mum. She would sometimes come to me and tell me how she worried she had failed me. Ironically, it was never the ways I had actually felt failed! It was always some random thing I’d totally forgotten about! If you loved her, she probably thrived on this level of freedom.

but if both her siblings had additional needs, it is possible she felt a little disregarded. I think the antidote to that is acknowledgement. Just have a chat to her, and tell her how incredible she was as a teenager- self sufficient, independent, socially able, hard working etc…. But that you can imagine, because her brothers had more explicit needs, did she ever feel unseen by you? If she did, just sit with her and hear that with her. Ask some open questions ‘How did that feel for you?’ ‘Do you have specific memories you want to share?’ This will help her feel properly witnessed. Then say sorry. Say you get that and can understand it. And tell her how much she is loved, and how much you see everything she is and was as a teenager too. And tell her that while she is very self sufficient etc, she can always come to you if she does need help…. You will always be there. You know she has needs too.

even if she has no such injury from her childhood, that’s a lovely conversation for anyone to have with their mum. And if she does, then it could help heal things.

set proper time for this, obviously away from her brothers or other distractions…. So it’s not just ‘I’m asking so you can reassure me’, but that genuinely you are wanting to share and understand anything she wants to share’. I think she would appreciate it.

Children don't grow to hate their parents because they made a few parenting decisions that were in hindsight questionable or because they weren't the perfect parents because resources were stretched. It sounds like your DD's wellbeing and happiness was always important to you, but on reflection you can see that you dropped a few balls here and there but luckily seem to have got away with it. So I'd just thank your lucky stars and have an honest conversation with her if she ever raises it with you.

My parents were very loving and caring and - ironically - over-protective but unfortunately did parent in a way that has had long-term consequences for their children. Lots of "children should be seen and not heard", perfect behaviour expected at all times, parenting through guilt ("I was very disappointed when you didn't play nicely with X or were too shy to talk to Y") and not enough opportunities to run wild, let off steam and make friends with other children in supportive, non-judgemental environments. A lot of this wasn't their fault - they were very financially stretched and busy when we were growing up, and the community we lived in was very small and a sort of "everyone knows everyone" kind of place. But the effect of this was to severely limit our confidence in a way that has had knock-on effects into adulthood. We still don't hate or resent them at all, we love them very much. And my DM is the first to say "let them play, they're just being children" when I worry about my DC annoying people around us.

Same here, I felt emotionally neglected by my parents as a child/teen.

I do still see them, but there is a barrier there.

I try to be much more emotionally involved/interested in my children's lives.

OP, you can't get those years back, but it goes a long way if you acknowledge and try to be more equal with your time now. Your DD is young and may not even feel this is an issue, but when she's older with her own kids, it may be different.

I think your parenting was very lax and you were lucky that it didn't end horribly. Children do want to feel like a priority even if they are the able/capable sibling, I was strongly aware that my brother got much more attention than me because he was the difficult one. It's not ok but I expect it's pretty common. BUT your dd may see it completely differently and be over the moon that she was allowed such freedom and able to experience such amazing things.

Personally I wouldn't say to her that you thought you were negligent in your parenting though, it might suddenly start her thinking - wasn't I valued? - when those thoughts weren't there before.

Maybe approach it from 'do you think we gave you too much freedom/independence too young?' and then let her lead the conversation. You can then apologise and show remorse if she does have any hurt/negative feelings about the situation.

All of these things would have been considered totally normal when I was a teenager.

I wouldn’t be losing sleep over any of this.

I was your daughter and until recently it had never entered my head what a shit parent my Mum was.
My mum has dementia now and I have had to make lots of decisions which initially filled me with guilt but I had a light bulb moment following a comment my mate made when she said something along the lines of “just think of everything that she did for you” and it was then I realised that she never did anything for me and that my Mum made many many selfish decisions when I was young, left me “to it” and I pretty much brought myself up.
It is of course too late to have the conversation with her now but if my Mum could say to me that she accepts she could have been a better parent it would have helped me a lot.

So in short, tell her how you feel.
She’ll probably say “don’t be daft Mum, I was fine” but chances are, given what you’ve said about having 2 sons, she’ll be the one doing elderly “care”/ decision making in later life. This is when she may have her lightbulb moment and feel resentful- have the conversation with her now.

I wish my parent gave me a little more freedom. I can see why you feel bad, because with this generation of parenting we are so so aware of the dangers that we shelter our children too much and that might cause anxiety.

My mum parented my sister with more freedom than she did me, and she turned out just fine - maybe better because I have a lot of insecurities and had resentment towards my mum that I spent my 20s overcoming (after I realised I had lots of mummy issues).

Anyway, the fact that she is successful now and you have a good relationship shows that you parented her based on who she is.

I say this all the time. We don’t remind parents that our children are individuals and that each one should be treated equally but your parenting choice will be influenced by their personalities, their triggers, abilities, strengths etc. you’ve shown that you know your children well enough to know the attention that they need. And for me, that is parenting.

Sounds to me like she had to parent herself, poor girl.

I don’t think you were a bad parent. You gave your daughter a lot of freedom. Which she enjoyed and seems to have thrived on. It is sad young people seem to be allowed so little freedom these days. In my teens many years ago we went camping in Wales from around 14, travelling on the train, to IoW and Reading festivals and chose our own universities because our parents didn’t know the system. I would have been mortified if my parents had attended open days. I sent my sons to open days van on their own because ultimately it is their decision and they were able to talk more freely to the students and academic staff conducting them. The proof of the B pudding is in the eating and you seem to have raised a happy and confident young woman, congratulations!

Maybe in your experience but as a teen in the ‘90’s my peers and I were all parented similarly to the OP. Trips over night with people my parents didn’t know, off to london for gigs at 16, I flew to Asia alone at 17.

Because you saw her "capable" and no trouble, your sons were your priority took up your emotional head space, I think you are going to have to just accept this is how it was, you threw money at her because you were pre occupied with your sons "stuff". You should talk to her about it see how it was for her, she might have thought it was great her mum let her do what she liked.