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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP said our anniversary is not a priority

70 replies

Chris112 · 16/11/2025 20:49

Our 8 year anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. Started a conversation with DP regarding how we should celebrate it, he grunted and then proceeded to say “I’m sorry but that is just not a priority for me”. I know he’s been under alot of stress at work and he was tired when we had this conversation. I am the one that usually plans the anniversary (after checking with him) although he gets me gifts etc. I only wanted to just check with him on how to celebrate and I got this response. Am I overreacting for being annoyed and feeling like he doesn’t value me?

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 16/11/2025 20:53

I can see why that was hurtful. Hopefully he just chose his words badly, and didn't mean it as he actually said it .. maybe he was trying to say "I'm not in the right headspace to plan that at the moment". I'd hope he would apologize though because it wasn't a good way to respond to you.

CelestialGazer · 16/11/2025 20:56

It depends exactly how much and what type of stress he is under. And when you asked him. (Eg “Just come back from work where the MD gave me a right bollocking and all I get is hassled with what am I going to do to celebrate our anniversary.”)

The 8th isn’t a particular milestone, and there are a couple of weeks to go, so maybe you are being a little over sensitive.

Twinkylightsg · 16/11/2025 20:59

My OH and I never really celebrate our anniversary. Might have gone out to dinner once in 16 years for it. But that is a hurtful thing to say which neither my OH or I would every say to each other. We always say happy anniversary and make sure to spend time together in some way on that day which is slightly different (maybe a special home cooked meal or order a nice meal to eat) and watch something together. But that was a mean thing of him to say !

TheRolyPolyBard · 16/11/2025 21:00

What is it you are expecting him to do? Not unreasonable to ask for chocolate and a great hug and him to tell you how much he loves you. Unreasonable (since he's stressed) to ask him to organise a meal out or a weekend break or whatever, since he's finding it too much. Suggest you postpone your dinner out until he is feeling less under pressure and then you can both enjoy it. Supporting my stressed husband would come first for me here, providing he is still telling you he loves you and is treating you respectfully in his general behaviour.

Zanatdy · 17/11/2025 07:34

It is quite hurtful but when you’re under a lot of work pressure the thought of having to then buy some gifts etc wouldn’t be great. But it’s not very nice to say that. Maybe tell him not to worry about gifts, but an evening together would be nice.

olympicsrock · 17/11/2025 07:38

We don’t really celebrate our anniversary other than exchange cards , a kiss and usually a nice dinner .
It just isn’t a priority for either of us.We generally have a good marriage though

ExtraOnions · 17/11/2025 07:44

In 22 years of marriage, I do t think we’ve ever bought each other an anniversary gift. It’s normally marked by one of us saying “well done us, another year of not getting divorced” and that’s about it.

For me, it’s much more about his someone is the rest of the year … anyone can buy a card and a bit of jewellery, but who gets up and de-ices your car, or hugs you when you are crying, and brings you Lemsip when you are ill … much bigger markers of love to me

Ddakji · 17/11/2025 07:47

So you’re not married? I don’t think this would particularly be a priority for me, either, really - but it obviously is for you, so I can see that would be hurtful. However, I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t value you, just not celebrating an anniversary.

GreyCarpet · 17/11/2025 07:47

I know he’s been under alot of stress at work and he was tired when we had this conversation.

I think this part is very important. Tbh.

I'm the one going through a lot of work stress at the moment, I'm shattered, I've no headspace for anything else. Work is a constant worry.

Coincidentally, it's mine and my partner's anniversary today. Not married but we've been together 4 years today. We dokt dp cards pr gifts but, normally, we go and do something nice together but I can honestly say I didn't realise it was coming up and only noted the date the other day because we were checking the calendar in his phone together and i saw he'd marked the date! At the moment, it just isn't a priority for me.

I might suggest we go out for a quiet drink later...

Gingernessy · 17/11/2025 07:56

Thought anniversary celebrations were for if you're married?
If you're not married then why should it be a priority.

ZenNudist · 17/11/2025 08:02

DP or DH? Not that it makes that much difference. I don't do anniversary celebrations (will celebrate 25 and 50!).

He seems to have used a work phrase on you "not a priority ". All he needed to say is "sorry love I've got too much on, it's ages away and I don't think I'm going to have time to go out that week, let's plan x for Christmas/new year/ easter."

IwishIcouldconfess · 17/11/2025 08:05

Sorry OP I think you're out of order here, its not even a wedding anniversary and even if it was 8 years, come on.

LessOfThis · 17/11/2025 08:06

How sad so many posters don’t celebrate an anniversary. It’s a nice thing to do. We don’t go all out, maybe a meal and a film or something. Just a good excuse in our busy lives to make time for each other.

What he said was hurtful OP. I’m sorry.

Ddakji · 17/11/2025 08:09

LessOfThis · 17/11/2025 08:06

How sad so many posters don’t celebrate an anniversary. It’s a nice thing to do. We don’t go all out, maybe a meal and a film or something. Just a good excuse in our busy lives to make time for each other.

What he said was hurtful OP. I’m sorry.

My life isn’t that busy and DH and I make time for each other quite a lot without needing the excuse of an anniversary. So that’s probably why it’s not something with bother with much.

gudetamathelazyegg · 17/11/2025 08:11

I don't see why people are mentioning that you're not married - I am and me and DH celebrate both our "dating" anniversary and wedding anniversary (this week for the latter as it happens). I would be upset too OP but as you say he is stressed at the moment. Could you have a chat about the stress but also how you have been feeling and you want this to be a nice opportunity to focus on each other?

I will say I side eyed a bit that he never organises it though. Is that because you prefer for do it or because he doesn't prioritise it more generally?

fluffiphlox · 17/11/2025 08:11

Are you actually married though? Otherwise what are you celebrating?

itsthetea · 17/11/2025 08:11

We do t bother with anniversary celebrations

if he was tired and is suffering work stress I think he might value you being aware of his situation and not add to his load

shhblackbag · 17/11/2025 08:12

He's stressed and tired. Of course he doesn't want to plan an anniversary dinner or whatever. It's just one more thing.

These conversations should take place when none of you are tired, at least.

ElizabethsTailor · 17/11/2025 08:13

What is it the anniversary of? Does he normally feel the same way about it as you do?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/11/2025 08:14

Well we don't really do anniversaries so to me worrying about celebrating 8 years is odd.

But yes his phrasing could be viewed as hurtful, so you have to consider whether it was a deliberate dig - or whether he's under lot of pressure and perhaps you were being a PITA by fussing rather than just booking a dinner reservation if you wanted one.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 17/11/2025 08:14

fluffiphlox · 17/11/2025 08:11

Are you actually married though? Otherwise what are you celebrating?

Don't be obtuse

topcat2014 · 17/11/2025 08:16

Stress means you often go in on yourself and can barely see to the end of each day or week. It is therefore hard to think give a shit about fluffy stuff etc. Pressure gets you out of bed in the morning, stress puts you in bed in the afternoon

EligibleTern · 17/11/2025 08:21

If you don't celebrate anniversaries then your opinion isn't really relevant in this situation, is it?

OP I don't think you're overreacting to find this hurtful, and a talk about priorities when he's less stressed might be a good idea. Too many people think you can just pick up where you left off when a busy time ends, like your partner's feelings have been put into suspended animation.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/11/2025 08:27

Ddakji · 17/11/2025 07:47

So you’re not married? I don’t think this would particularly be a priority for me, either, really - but it obviously is for you, so I can see that would be hurtful. However, I don’t think it necessarily means he doesn’t value you, just not celebrating an anniversary.

I picked up on this as well

after 8yrs why hasn’t he popped the Q

redskydelight · 17/11/2025 08:29

He could equally say he was feeling undersupported because you are trying to talk about an anniversary at a time when you know he is stressed and tired.

Saying that he can't prioritise this at the moment is his way of looking after himself when he's stressed. Talk to him when he's in a more receptive mind, or accept that this year you might have to postpone the celebration or just have something very simple at home.