DP said our anniversary is not a priority

[Chris112]

Our 8 year anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. Started a conversation with DP regarding how we should celebrate it, he grunted and then proceeded to say “I’m sorry but that is just not a priority for me”. I know he’s been under alot of stress at work and he was tired when we had this conversation. I am the one that usually plans the anniversary (after checking with him) although he gets me gifts etc. I only wanted to just check with him on how to celebrate and I got this response. Am I overreacting for being annoyed and feeling like he doesn’t value me?

He's under stress so I can understand why this is not a priority for him, especially if he is not a person who cares about this kind of things.
My DH usually reminds me when it's our wedding anniversary because I forget and I don't really care. If he would like to celebrate I would be fine with that but he doesn't really care either.

Next time he asks for sex tell him it’s not a priority and see how he likes it.

I don't understand why people are saying they don't think anniversaries are important. The point is, the OP does (and is allowed to). It must've felt really upsetting to basically say "let's celebrate the fact we love each other" and have him say that's not a priority. What's not a priority, the love or the celebration?

I'm sure he misspoke due to stress but I think you should tell him it was hurtful if it was! You don't get to hurt people you love because you are stressed. I doubt he meant YOU are not a priority but if that's what you heard - and I can see how you would - I'm not surprised you're upset.

Yes it’s hurtful to her but she also needs to accept that it’s less important to him and therefore he has a right to feel hurt when she prioritises something that “adds to his mental load” at a time when true love would be saying to herself “what can I do to make things easier for him , how could I help “

It's also not ok for OP to put pressure on her partner to have a celebration that she cares about when she knows he is going through a tough time.

It was my husband's birthday last week. I also had Covid. He told me that it was more important for me to rest and get better than for him to have a birthday celebration. If he'd come to me and said "I want to talk about how we would celebrate my birthday" I might well have responded in a similar way to OP's DP.

”It’s not my priority” sounds to me like he’s just communicating honestly. He’s not telling you he doesn’t care or that he doesn’t want to mark it. You caught him at a time where he just doesn’t have bandwidth to think about it.

Though tbh I don’t know many people who would celebrate an 8th anniversary of being together rather than being married, so it all does sound a bit high maintenance to me.

It’s not in the least ‘sad’. I adore DH, but am not even entirely sure which month or anniversary is in, far less the actual date.

I understand why you're hurt. However, you've started a conversation with him whilst he's under a lot of stress. There's a lot to be said for choosing your moment.

It depends. If you always celebrate then that’s a really shit thing to say. And even if that’s how he feels then there are ways he could have said it that wouldn’t have been so shit and hurtful.

I agree. Context is everything. What are the other 364 days of the year like? That’s what counts. If it’s a symptom of a general pattern then yes address it but dint make it about the anniversary make it about the real issue.

When I read comments like this one, and the one from a PP who wants to know ‘why he hasn’t popped the question’ yet, I feel like I’ve travelled back in time to the 1950s.

OP, he was exhausted and stressed and you started a conversation at the wrong time about something he just didn’t have the headspace for. You essentially just gave him another thing for his mental to-do list at a time when it was already full to bursting. He was mildly irritable in response. That’s all. This isn’t a big deal in the slightest.

Why hasn’t she?

Hit-and-run poster.

Well, for one, don’t try to have a meaningful conversation with your spouse when s/he is feeling knackered.

Of course, same here, we still manage to
celebrate our anniversary though.

My DH prioritises the anniversary of the day we got together over our actual wedding anniversary. To him, it’s more important.

Sorry OP but I think you’re in spoilt princess territory here. It’s not really common to celebrate 8 year anniversary. It’s not like it’s your 25th wedding anniversary.

I agree!!

I’m not married but every year y boyfriend and I celebrate the anniversary of when we first dated. We love each other all year round, but it’s still nice to mark the occasion and go out for a nice meal and cheers to us.

I totally understand why you feel hurt OP, mention it again when he’s more relaxed and not tired, and hopefully you can organise something lovely!

I get wanting to celebrate anniversary of meeting. We did before we got married.

card and a meal /takeaway is nice /normal for many

Then had 2 dates to remember 😀

now have a 3rd - the date I finally applied for divorce

guess depends @Chris112 what yit mean by celebrate - meal out /in or a weekend away

both nice. Both very different

I think his choice of words was unnecessary hurtful.
My DH often has busy periods at work on the month of our wedding anniversary. So over the years I learnt not to plan anything big in advance e.g weekend away ( after 2 cancellations 😟).
However his responses to my “planning” question were:
I can’t even think about anything else now.
Can you book us somewhere for dinner?
Can we stay at home, I’m completely shattered.
I won’t be able to go out on a week day, only on Saturday.
Can we talk about this on Friday evening?

I don’t think you are overreacting and your DH owes you an apology but ask yourself how busy and stressed he is. If it’s really stressful I would cut him a bit of slack and raise it when it’s calmer.

Anniversaries aren't important. We celebrated our first because it was expected but never have since. Most of the time we don't think to even mention it, it's just another day. I've no idea why anyone bothers.

Exactly my thoughts. Got me thinking if our marriage is not a priority?. And I am not expecting anything fancy. A nice meal at the local pub is not too much surely?

Why is it sad if it’s the couples choice?
We don’t really celebrate because it really doesn’t mean much to us. We were together over a decade before we got married so celebrating the number of years married seems like only commemorating a fraction of our life together.
We make time for each other all year round but our wedding anniversary just isn’t a priority. It’s a standing joke in the family that the anniversary cards on the mantelpiece are from our parents!

yes but would you look him in the eye and say “ I don’t think that’s a priority” when he mentions it to you.

Don’t be rude.

it’s a relevant question.

Is it the anniversary of the very first date?
The anniversary of officially getting together as a couple?
The anniversary of you moving in together?

All that might affect how your OH feels about whatever anniversary this is.

So I took would be hurt
But we celebrate both the anniversary of our first date (in march), and our wedding anniversary in September.... It's mainly because carving out time just the two of us is tricky with young kids- so we have at least 2 reasons to go out in a year (we tend to have date nights fortnightly at home when they are asleep)...