DP said our anniversary is not a priority

[Chris112]

Our 8 year anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. Started a conversation with DP regarding how we should celebrate it, he grunted and then proceeded to say “I’m sorry but that is just not a priority for me”. I know he’s been under alot of stress at work and he was tired when we had this conversation. I am the one that usually plans the anniversary (after checking with him) although he gets me gifts etc. I only wanted to just check with him on how to celebrate and I got this response. Am I overreacting for being annoyed and feeling like he doesn’t value me?

My husband heads up a team for an asset management company in a tricky division. I don’t know how stressful he finds it but he does work some weekends.

It is our 22 wedding anniversary today, we just got back from a holiday where we watched our favourite sport and today we’re spending the day at the gym and spa and going to early dinner (admittedly using a birthday voucher someone gave me).

Last night we found out his cousin (they were raised like siblings) is possibly going to die in the next couple of days (we thought it was last night). I asked him this morning if we should cancel our plans. He wished me a happy anniversary and said no. We’re still going ahead with our plans.

22 years isn’t a special year (he’s still looking for matching copper jewellery🤭), but every year is special to him and if his family are going through that right now and he still prioritises this day then yeah, your husband behaved badly and should be apologising. But he has to know you are still upset first. And if something is wrong (job termination for example), then he needs to communicate that too.

I meant DH not DP, we are married.

I just feel if he values me then he should value what means alot to me, celebrating anniversaries and birthdays for example. They don’t happen every day, plus we dont go out much anyways. He knows how I feel about things like this and yet he gave me that response.

My wedding anniversary was in September, not entirely sure how many years it was for we’ve been married for ever. No celebration just a joking acknowledgment that we’d survived another year together as my DH is insanely busy with a big work project and will be for the next 3 months. Fast forward a month to Mid October and I have a medical emergency requiring immediate surgery which requires a lot of support from him during my recovery, he moves heaven and earth to rearrange and manage his workload to be there to help me. That is way more important, at least to me, in a long term relationship that your DP / DH is there for you in the tough times rather than worrying if you go out for a lovely meal on a particular date.

Sounds like you caught him at a time when other things were getting on top of him.
You're questioning whether he values you but you don't seem to value him as his mental health is second to your needing to celebrate an anniversary.
What's being done to alleviate his work stress?

But then he could have just said - “can we discuss later? I am tired”. Rather than saying it’s not a priority?. I am being as supportive as I can, giving him enough space and making things easier for him at home etc until things settle at work.

One of the arts of being happily married is knowing how to choose your time and place.

Another is knowing that in a disagreement, you choose between being right or being happily married.

Because for him until this work thing is over and done its not a priority.
You're really over thinking this. One pub meal for an anniversary doesn't set the bar for how much you value each other - that comes from your day to day interactions.
He's already stressed don't give him something else to stress about.

Well, it’s up to you whether his current take on this day is more important than how things are overall. Maybe he would like it if you would prioritise that he’s stressed due to work and doesn’t need anything else to think about right now? Give and take, swings and roundabouts.

Stress at work would knock most things out of my mind too. It would be nice if my spouse could support me rather than nitpick.

Possibly, yes.

He's not suggesting your marriage isn't a priority.

He's suggesting that making plans for a celebration isn't uppermost in his head when he's got a billion other things to worry about.

I'm currently stressed to fuck about various things and honestly, if my DP came in right now and said 'Can we talk about our anniversary/your birthday/planning more date nights/whether we should book a hotel for so-and-so's wedding/where to go on holiday next year?' I would just not have the space in my head to think about that and I'd tell him so. In fact, I did exactly that when he started asking me about Christmas stuff last week.

I adore him and my relationship is hugely important to me but things like celebration are not the relationship. They're nice extras, sure. But they are extras and no, they're not going to surpass everything else in my head when I've got bigger stuff to worry about.

We are married and I am referring to wedding anniversary.

Ok that makes sense, guess I was overreacting then.

Ah OK. Well yes it’s disappointing for you. We’ve been married 40 years and still open a bottle of fizz to commemorate.

Just to clarify
-We are married (I meant DH not DP sorry)
-It’s the actual wedding anniversary coming up, not the first date anniversary or any other kind.
Reading through the replies I can see I am overthinking a bit. The words were very hurtful though. Saying that, he is going through a tough time and I guess planning an anniversary is the least of his concerns and I should be there for him. I will just have to let this one go and move on.

Thanks everyone

I think it is hurtful OP, but it might depend on how often he is like this. Someone who is temporarily stressed about work, fine, but someone who seems to always be stressed/tired etc then no, sorry, we all have to think about other life shit when we are stressed and tired from work.

Jesus, it really is a race to the bottom isn't it....

PP "we don't do gifts" - "yes well we don't celebrate at all" - "well we don't even know how long we've been married"

What is wrong with people celebrating a special day ffs. Fine if you don't want to, but OP clearly does, and so people saying how they don't doesn't have any relevance.

I think timing and phrasing of the question are important here, as well as how much time you usually take to celebrate.

Asking on Saturday after a relatively chill morning is different from asking shortly after he gets home on a Wednesday night. I know my husband can have an unfortunate habit of 'seizing the moment' to bring up an idea with me without thinking about the fact that I've been on the go for 12 hours straight. It goes down better if he lets me have a cup of tea and half an hour of chill time first.

Similarly, 'I was thinking of booking us a table for dinner on our anniversary. Would you be up for that, and is there anywhere specific you'd like to go?' is easier to take on when you're stressed than a broader conversation. Are we just talking dinner, or would you usually do something in the day as well? If you'd usually take time off for it, that may feel completely impossible for him right now.

Don't plan anything. Seriously, do nothing. Have a gift ready in case he has one for you. If he doesn't, then return the gift.

Right now, yes I would because I am really stressed due to reasons he's aware of. So him starting to talk about planning something for our wedding anniversary would be quite tonedeaf and I would def say it's not a priority right now with all that is going on. I interpret his response to you as "You see that I'm under the water with stress and instead of supporting me you are making additional demands on me"

Yeah I get not caring about anniversary and being stressed. But we would never say that. Even asked my OH and he said its a mean thing to say unless you have several life crisis happening. But just work stress and not being into anniversaries is not excuse to say that.

I'd honestly call him out on it and say it was quite hurtful. I get being stressed at work and maybe in that moment not being in the frame of mind to discuss it but saying that is not OK IMO. Sorry OP that sucks.

Of being together, the partnership. Why is that such a surprise?