To think a lot of MN are ableist?

[Sweetlifeofyours]

So I wasn’t going to post but as a mum with a disabled child myself I feel like I have to get things off my chest. I have read a couple of threads over the past week or so regarding mothers who are looking for advice and support for their disabled child/children (2 that stick out to me)

I was very sad to see that there were only a few posters who actually gave support and advice to the OP’s. The rest were in my opinion, downright rude and nasty and clearly just wanted to upset the OP’s even more for whatever reason.

As a mum with a SEN child, it is incredibly difficult and I myself don’t always get the correct help and support I need so to come on here and see that other women/parents show their (somewhat) true opinions of disabled children upset me.

I am completely 100% on board that autism shouldn’t be an excuse for everything, but surely some compassion wouldn’t go amiss to a struggling parent.

One of the worst things I read was a poster saying to the OP that they should make sure their child doesn’t turn into a sex offender because he enjoys hugs. Says more to me about the poster rather than the OP and their child.

I guess my AIBU is, do you think people (maybe especially on here) should have more compassion for the disabled community or have you read threads where you agree with the majority of comments (especially where we are talking about young children)?

I have really struggled to get reasonable adjustments at work, mainly because some things have taken the best part of a year to receive. I have an assigned desk as I need a particular set up, a specialist chair, a foot rest and some softer adjustments like WFH on days I cannot walk.

I genuinely don't believe these adjustments impact on anyone else. None of us ever needs to be in the office, we all WFH for 18 months during Covid and the nature of our work is that there isn't any printing etc which someone else may have to do for me on days I physically can't commute an hour to work. Everyone is allowed to do some WFH and has flexibility to choose when.

On days I'm not in the office people can use my desk. They just can't use my chair as it has been adjusted for me. We have a standard chair for every desk, plus all the specialist chairs, so no-one needs to use a colleague's specialist chair.

I truly hope my colleagues don't resent my and my adjustments as much as some people on here suggest they do!

I agree there are grey areas and the social model of disability is well documented. I think we are in agreement that supporting people in the grey in cost effective and practical ways make good sense and its not helpful to create tension points where people arent getting support.

But i also think you still see a binary of disabled enough for benefits, and disabled enough for protection from discrimination, you just feel the binary placeholder is different than where it currently sits.

One parent takes full time care of their child the other goes out to work.

This highlights you don’t understand the role or scope of parent carers. For example, some disabled DC, one parent cannot provide full-time care. When do they sleep? Another example, some need 2:1 at least some of the time. If parent carers reach burnout, it would cost the state far more. That is why legislation protects parent carers and entitles them to support from the state beyond benefits - although many only get support when they enforce their rights.

Do you really feel its a teachers job to assess each child constantly for emotional disregulation and act accordingly?

Surely there wouldn't be enough time to get through the curriculum in this case?

Right. This is the first response and I saw nothing about this in the OP. This is really bonkers.

But what’s the alternative then? This is why they are being failed and I wouldn’t blame any parents for taking their child out of school SEN or not. There is no answer unfortunately.

Teacher? Not necessarily, its limited what they can do i'm aware, as i said upthread, i'm a qualified TA myself. but a SEN child with a support 1:1 via EHCP? you bet.

Could I just ask sorry as I’ve always wondered, if there are children in mainstream primary schools where they need 1:1 support (with an ehcp) is that the job of already employed TA’s or do they have to employ extra support? And if it’s down to the TA do they ever feel like “this isn’t what I signed up for”

I can't speak for all schools, the one i worked in, and in the one my son attended, a TA was employed specifically for that child, or too 'share' with another SEN child in the class, depending on funding/need, with the understanding their focus was the Child, but that they may be asked to help the class at large.

my son had funding for 30 hours 1:1 so all day + breaks, and a 1:1 was considered the best use of that funding and they employed a TA who had specific ASD support training for him in yr 5&6 and his meltdowns pretty much stopped because she managed to spot them incoming and either redirected, or removed him to the schools calm room. The work she did to support him made his last two years in MS a whole different experience, i still keep in touch with her now he's 19!

I do understand.

The state stepping in to support parents is not in question. Parents 'parenting and providing care' is not a favour because parents have the primary responsibility for that. Having access to a welfare state is a privilege.

sorry didn't answer your second one. For me because i have experience with kids with SEN i didn't mind doing support, i've always worked with 4-7yo, so i enjoyed it.. i spent some time with a child with DS who was in MS and they were a delight to teach most of the time.

I do know others found it more difficult, it isn't for everyone, they'd prefer to be general class TA rather than SEN support, i think it really depends on the school you're in and how they run their TA's.

I do understand.

Your posts show otherwise.

Also, most families need two full time incomes to cope. Yes, there is DLA and CA but even in combination, it makes up only for a small fraction for the loss of income. Bills don't just stop because you have a disabled child - quite the opposite.

i'm doing it as a single parent, and have been for 8+ years. the answer to 'where is the dad' is at work, keeping a roof over his own head and paying all his own bills.

No, they don't. Nobody disputes that carers do a valuable job, it's just not a favour.

This is my opinion, yours is different. You don't have to change yours and I have yet to encounter any information that would make me change mind.

If he is not contributing, he should be. If he is, then it is nobody's business

It's still not and never will be a favour to the state to look after your own children. Having a welfare state will always be a privilege.

Yes, they do. Anyone who thinks “One parent takes full time care of their child the other goes out to work.” doesn’t understand even if they claim they do. I wasn’t commenting on the ‘favour’ part of your posts. I was commenting on the assertion one parent can take on the full-time care for some disabled DC.

Would it be easier all round if we stopped all taxes but people paid for everything they used.

So you get your wages, you get them in full so no tax deducted or NI.

However you get absolutely nothing for free. Kids pay to go to school (or their parents do anyway). You pay for a doctor or an ambulance. You pay for a policeman to come out. You pay for your bin to be collected. Absolutely everything is a paid for service between the buyer (us) and the organisation (police, GP practice, Ambulance Service ie they all run like private businesses)

There is no goverment pensions though so you have to put away for yourself. There is no benefits of any kind. You just have the money you earn which you keep in full and you get to decide how you spend it or not.

This seems so much simpler and would stop all the arguments.

People want their sen kids to go to great schools and have taxis. Not a problem. It's between you and the private school or you and the taxi company. Nothing to do with goverment or any taxpayer (because there are none)

If you want to not see a doctor even though you are ill, then that is your choice. When you die though you (your estate) has to pay for the funeral etc

I mean it's kind of a mad system isn't it. You pay tax according to some 'rule' regardless of what you use or consume.
That isn't really a capitalist principle is it? I mean we are supposed to be a capitalist society.

I bet loads of people would go for that. Even if they were worse off they would say okay I have my gross wage. I pay for my kids schooling, I pay my everyday bills, I put money away because I know there is no state pension. I had a few extras this month - I needed a doctor once and my house caught fire so I had to pay the fire brigade to attend. I think if people were paying for what they got they wouldn't actually mind.

I can think of a few things it wouldn't work for and I guess we would need a system to cover things like roads, lights that just can't be apportioned on a pay for use system. However surely it could be implemented for most things.

People could have as many kids as they wanted or not but only pay for what they decide. If they want to have 4 kids they need to be able to support them or they go hungry I guess.

I think people would take more accountability and make better decisions and be happier paying for what they use only.

That avoids all the resentment which is currently going on in society.
You work hard, you reap the benefits.
You are a lazy fucker, you reap what you sow. It doesn't affect anyone else.

Wouldn't this actually be really straightforward and really fair? I mean I think America does operate more on a basis like this (not quite) but much closer to it than we do.

It seems we have made life far too complicated.

I think everyone would be alot more motivated as you would have complete control over your own income and your own expenditure.

I get that argument to some point if parents to this until 18 but most are forced to carry on caring until the day they die. And that is not ok.

I've got an image of someone defiantly turning their nose up and crossing their arms in a superior way as I'm reading this. 😂

It depends.

My son has 2:1 TA support funded by his EHCP in mainstream primary and they were already employed and known to my son.

I did shrug my shoulders and go 'meh' when I wrote that. Does that count? 😂

Great idea Nige. How about you lead by example next time you get ran over, need months in hospital, a wheelchair due to severe disability, adaptions to your property and heavy doses of pain relief for the rest of your life. You can show us how it all works.